The Bachelor Season Finale Ben Higgins: The Biggest Upset Of The Actual Century

Falling in love with Ben Higgins together has been a long, bittersweet journey. Let’s take a moment before diving into the turning point of all of our lives.

Rewind…

1. We started in episode one, (btw, the most viewed Bachelor recap post by far), and made onesie jokes, felt insecure over twins, and wished the redhead would be the next Bachelorette.
2. I am not crazy in episode two.
3. Lace finds love (for herself) in episode three.
4. Classy girls be on their #WorstBehvior in episode four.
5. Five sodes in and still no one knows who Leah is in episode 5.
6. I wanna talk smart things in episode 6.
7. I remember my first Chicago date in episode 7.
8. Hashtag mom is chugging wine out of the bottle again in episode 8.
9. I love you too. And you. And you. In episode 9. And you.
10. Finally, the women tell all, but nothing changes in last week’s episode.

We finally discovered the real reasons Ben Higgins is unloveable, and realized the women on the show have everything to gain, only dignity to lose.

It’s been real. It’s been fun. I have gray hair now. Let’s move on.

The Bachelor Ben Higgins Season Finale

We open with the live studio audience, I repeat LIVE, in case Chris hasn’t made that clear yet. We learn that Ben could get married TONIGHT. Like, both Lauren and Jojo’s families are there, Ben’s hometown pastor is there, Neil Lane is there, Obama and the pope are there.

It would be the first wedding in After the Final Rose history.

touching.

Picture it. Jamaica. 2015.

Lauren talks about her feelings while walking around a pool in daisy dukes.

Jojo talks about her feelings while walking on the sand in daisy dukes.

Ben sits by a massive tree, perhaps it’s the weeping willow and he’s seeking her advice. He’s trippin like David in Psalms rn. Desperate times. Like you would literally think Ben had just murdered someone and slept with their wife. not in that order butyougetit.

Alas, tis only a love triangle.

He goes on and on about how he could possibly genuinely propose to one girl while still being in love with the other.

Apparently his parents are in Jamaica too, ok then. “Life’s not going to bring me two better women than who I have here.” But Ben’s mom makes it clear that she is really disturbed by Ben falling in love with two women, while the dad seems to be pretty accepting of this idea so YoLo.

Lauren meets the parents

She brings flowers and wine, great. Good. They sit with the family in a beachy living room  and he’s touching her back while she talks. PDA + parents stresses me out, even when I’m not involved, pls stop.

Dad & Lauren: Dad is a silver fox I guess. He asks her if she’s in love with Ben, and it’s like, don’t play stupid. She asks if Ben is ready for the commitment to get engaged. He says yes, but are you. The dad is trying to play hardball but he’s a softie. It’s the mom we all need to be scared of.

Mom & Lauren: Lauren looks at the world differently, because of Ben, apparently. Or you got on a TV show, gained 100K instagram followers, and then “saw the world differently” ok. The mom said Ben is his worst critic and needs someone to walk him off the ledge AKA the next time he falls in love with two women.

Ben & Mom: Mom learns that the two girls do not know that Ben is in love with both. She says she has no advice to offer. Nothing significant here. Good luck, son.

Lauren & Ben: Lauren said she’s ready to get engaged. RLY????? I DIDN’T GATHER THAT FROM YOU GETTING ON A TV SHOW TO GET ENGAGED. She said she wants to be in the Higgins family.

So Lauren’s meet the parents date went perfect. but did it go tooo perfect???????????????

Jojo meets the parents

Her flower arrangement is much smaller. And no wine.

GET OUT OF HERE.

She’s really nervous and Ben says, “I’ve never seen you this nervous,” and it’s like well Ben, you’ve known her about a month so maybe there’s a lot of Jojo you haven’t seen. Maybe.

Oh Jojo is really awkward around the parents okay wow. Stop telling the parents you’re nervous you’re fine it’s fine. She’s trying really hard. Talking a lot. Someone pass the Xan.

“I’ve had moments with her that I’ll never forget.” -Ben talking about Jojo.

Okay.

They bring up an inside joke they had about making out in the helicopter over Vegas so like happy meet the parents day please tell me more about making out places with Mama Higgins right here.

Dad & Jojo: SHE SAID BEN IS HER BEST FRIEND. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAwut. like u do not know ben higgins like that. let’s calm down. don’t drop the best friend bomb. idc what you feel you are not best friends.

Mom & Jojo: Jojo tells Mom Higgins that she and Ben are in love. The mom smiled. Because yelling, “YEAH LAUREN TOO,” would have been off putting I guess. Apparently Jojo is the girl on the show that makes him calm. And she cries telling the mom that her intentions are so pure.

Jojo & Ben: Ben says, “You know how I feel about you,” which is the last thing any girl wants to hear. I don’t want to know how you feel about me, I just want to hear you tell me how you feel about me wait what.

They say I love you and part ways. gr8.

Now both girls have met Ben’s parents, which hopefully helps him come to a conclusion about who is The One.

So still no conclusion

Another successful meet the parents date. Truly, most people don’t get this many perfect MTP dates in a whole lifetime. Good for you, Ben. You go, Ben.

Ben talks with his parents, and says he loves Jojo and Lauren “the same”….WHAT?!?! BUT EVERY PINTEREST QUOTE AND ROMCOM EVER HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME EACH LOVE IS DIFFERENT??? 

Even after both dates, and a chat with his parents, he still doesn’t know what to do. And the mom is rly stressed over it. No clarity. Only confusion. Just Ben and his crimson pants.

I’m really not surprised at all that Ben can picture his life with either girl. A) he completely watered both relationship seeds and so they became relationship flowers and B) I don’t believe in soulmates, I believe any of us could love and marry and be happy with a number of people, so I’m sorry Ben Higgins, this is a real pickle.

Date with Lauren

Ben is on a yacht. Lauren pulls up on a smaller boat. Lauren is at peace and fully confident that things will work out with Ben. I’m sea sick. Her nails are white. Ben says he hasn’t slept well. YOU DON’T SAY. 

She asks him what he’s thinking. He says, “that you’re beautiful,” so lying is hard because we all know there might be a tad more than that on his mind.

They’re on a beach and Ben’s preoccupied mood is basically ruining everything. Ben opens up and says things have been absolutely perfect with Lauren, but when things are too good to be true, it makes him nervous.

Ben tells the camera that he and Jojo have had tough times, but they overcame, and Lauren and him haven’t????? What, you and Jojo ran out of wine one night??????????? You were forced to take a Limo ride instead of the helicopter??????????????? Tell me more about you and Jojo having hard times????????????????????????

THIS JUST IN — NEW INSECURITY FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE: YOU’RE TOO PERFECT. IT’S BEEN TOO EASY DATING YOU. PLEASE FIND THE FITTING TAYLOR SWIFT SONG FOR THIS SITUATION ACCORDINGLY.

Couch talk with Lauren

Lauren, back at the house at night, said she left the date feeling defeated. Tonight’s date is crucial because it’s the last time she’ll see him before he proposes to someone. They’re talking on a couch, and he’s like wearing a hoodie while she’s wearing a cocktail dress so like why. Miscommunication? what is that.

That slit up her dress stops at a scary place when she’s sitting, someone do something, help her.

Ben tells her she’s made him a better person. He’s so somber. This sounds like a break up. His voice is so depressed. They’re both teary eyed, even though nothing is really happening.

Are they not eating dinner I’m confused. Are they getting food delivered. I’m concerned about the food.

They have a long, passionate hug.

He says, “goodnight beautiful,” and leaves.

She said she doesn’t want to go to sleep alone tonight and I yelled WELL GO TO A BAR at the TV because I’m classy.

Date with Jojo

It’s a new happy day in Jamaica, and same ol’ confused, sweet Ben.

“I’m going to pray for clarity, because I need it.”-Ben

ok, David.

Jojo is very uplifted and spirited today. They’re driving around in a Jeep. She keeps saying that Ben is her best friend. This is so annoying to me. I’m scoffing. WHAT ARE HER REAL BEST FRIENDS THINKING RN????

They’re at an incredible waterfall in a magic jungle kingdom. They’re making out in a water cave. Jojo smiles to herself, thinking how much more fun it is to make out in a water cave than 6th Street Bar.

Jojo pushes the “hard times” talk on Ben because she’s figured out that he likes to stress about things not happening yet, and in turn, her doing that calms him down. The “you’ll be in Denver, I’ll be in Dallas” talk is the new “tough times.”

Ben tells her he’s confused. She gets the idea they’re not on the same page, even after a great waterall jump/make out in the cave sesh. Jamaica is hard.

Couch talk with Jojo

“Hey beautiful” Ben said entering the room. I’m glad he sticks to “beautiful” so he doesn’t get their names confused. V smart.

Pimpin ain’t easy but replacing adjectives for names is.

Jojo is pulling out the big guns tonight in a plunging neckline halter top, and it may or may not be a romper, it’s hard to tell.

HER NAILS ARE LONG ACRYLIC, GOOD, I FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

He just told her that what he feels for her is deeper than anything he’s ever felt.

IF HE PROPOSES TO LAUREN TONIGHT, I SWEAR. HOW DO YOU SAY THAT AND THEN NOT PROPOSE. 

Jojo makes me want to pencil my eyebrows darker.

She asks what he doubts about the two of them. He said he doesn’t have one. she rolls her eyes AND HE TELLS HER TO NOT ROLL HER EYES. VERBAL ABUSE jk.

Oh good, her short plunging neckline romper is also backless. Like, just wear a swimsuit Jojo. Just get it over with.

He tells her she’s his best friend I SWEAR. I STG.

He soothes her, they kiss, but she’s not satisfied. It’s time to get dramatic. It’s time to sit on the bathroom floor.

IS THE BATHROOM FLOOR SCENE ABOUT TO HAPPEN??????????????? OH THANK GOD.

They walk into the bathroom. (im trying to drag the bathroom floor scene out as much as physically possible i’m sorry)

“I’m sitting here… on a bathroom floor…. with you tonight…..” -Ben, sitting on the bathroom floor

this is so raw. so emotional. feelings are deep tonight.

“But you love her too?”

He said yes. He tells her everything. She is really upset. She says she feels foolish. She says she doesn’t want to compete anymore, she’s tired. She’s bawling. He’s silent.

Well at least Jojo got the real answers out of him. He didn’t confide in Lauren like this. He tells Jojo it doesn’t feel right to leave her tonight. He didn’t tell Lauren that.

srsly if he doesn’t choose Jojo, srsly I swear.

His last words before walking out the door were “I love you” and not “bye beautiful” so ifhedoesntchoosejojoiswear.

She cries on the couch in her black plunging neckline, backless romper. It’s not as easy at it looks, y’all. To cry in a backless romper.

Camera confessions, Ben admits he’s a lost man right now. Emotionally lost, doesn’t know what to do. Just lost. #david

Day of The Proposal

Not scripted at all, the camera catches Ben as he wakes up and crawls shirtless out of bed.

Fast forward — Ben meets with Neil Lane. Neil shows him the biggest rings we’ve all literally ever seen in our lives.

Neil innocently says, “Tell me about her,” and Ben literally doesn’t respond because he doesn’t know which girl to talk about.

YOU CAN’T PICK OUT A RING UNTIL YOU PICK THE GIRL BC THE RING HAS TO MATCH HER PERSONALITY I’M FINE

He finds a ring that apparently reflected one of the girls’ faces back at him because in that moment, he said he knows who he’s choosing.

oh??????????

Lauren keeps saying, “I could be engaged today,” and it’s like R U MORE EXCITED ABOUT A FACEBOOK UPDATE OR LIFE WITH BEN.

“In a moment, the woman I love is going to arrive here. And I’m going to break her heart.” -Ben

I’m chanting, “PROPOSE TO BOTH. PROPOSE TO BOTH,” because emotional but giddy.

The Rose Ceremony

Ben is struggling. Today he breaks a girl’s heart, and also proposes to someone. That’s a lot in a day. Like I’m exhausted. I hope he naps in-between.

Jojo steps out of the helicopter. She’s wearing heels in the grass, please pray. PLEASE TELL ME HE IS NOT ABOUT TO BREAK UP WITH JOJO. PLEASE TELL ME HER BEING FIRST DOES NOT MEAN THIS IS GOODBYE.

She walks a mile through a forrest to meet Ben. Seriously how does she walk this long in heels with her hair still in tact. The women on this show are the real troops.

 

She said Ben promised to not blindside her (BECAUSE THAT WENT WELL FOR BECCA) and that she totally trusts him, so what could possibly go wrong. This is clearly true love.

She finally gets to him. She gives a little speech that is actually v touching. She went on and on. I can’t imagine saying that to someone who I’m not 100% certain is going to say it back.

And there it is. Ben tells her everything he’s felt for her this whole time has been real….. but that HIS LOVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE IS GREATER.

She said she feels blindsided. He keeps trying to explain himself but she keeps cutting him off, saying “it’s fine” and “it’s really okay.”

She said she doesn’t understand how he could say everything he’s said and not choose her, asks where they went wrong. He said nothing went wrong.

So there’s that. Nothing went wrong. HEY JOJO. NOTHNG WENT WRONG.

He’s walking her to the limo, they’re both crying. People in the live studio audience are crying.

Now Ben is crying to the camera and saying how he doesn’t deserve Jojo OH PLEASE.

Jojo tells the camera she wishes she could hate him but she can’t.

Jojo isn’t an ugly crier and it’s unfair. She’s a pretty crier. Stop.

Lauren’s arrival

Ben is back at his little proposal podium. He said losing Jojo had to happen so that he could marry a love he can’t bear to lose, and that is Lauren B. He proceeds to call Lauren’s dad on speakerphone and asks for her hand in marriage. The dad is v happy and says yes. Ben refers to the dad as, “man,” so they’re already more casual than he and Lauren are, that’s great. Good for them.

Lauren lands in the helicopter and is already about to sh*t herself. She for sure thinks she’s going home.

A bright blue dress is an interesting choice. She looks like a fetus in it.

I’m trying to figure out what Ben sees in Lauren other than she is beautiful and sweet. Maybe he is just more into blondes.

SHE HAS NO IDEA.

He says, “You couldn’t look any more beautiful.” Her little love spiel was much much shorter than Jojo’s.

.interesting.

He is visibly happier right now than 10 minutes ago with Jojo. Like he’s a new person.  Ben tells her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, wants to wake up to the most beautiful woman in the world every day, then gets on one knee. She is literally shocked. I am literally shocked. Ben’s mom and Lauren’s dad are literally shocked.

They keep saying, “you’re my person” and like nothing against that phrase, but I guess I’m just wishing they were saying something different rn. I just wish they were saying something different with Jojo instead of Lauren right now I guess.

I just want to convey how this was not just me being partial to Jojo and wanting her to win. Everything about what we were shown on TV would have made you believe Jojo was the one. It rly was the biggest upset of the actual century, bigger than all the sports things. yes. sportsthings.

On a related note: I LIKE LAUREN. I JUST THOT JOJO HAD IT IN THE BAG. #BENLIKESBLONDES #UPSET

ALSO: how did he know what type of ring Lauren liked honestly tho. how does that work.

yay love the end

After the Final Rose

And I forgot to record After The Final Rose and missed the first 26 minutes it’s fine i’m fine.

The only important news you need to know is that Jojo is the next Bachelorette, which might mean I’ll actually watch The Bachelorrete for the first time in years.

1. Oh also, Ben proposed to Lauren another time, Jimmy Kimmel showed up with naked Barbies, and no, Ben and Laruen are not getting married tonight, they’re having an actual wedding.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE US WEEKLY MAGAZINE THAT SHOWS THE HIGGINS ROYAL WEDDING.

ty 4 reading. see you next year.