The Bachelor Episode 4: Worst Behavior

I’m just going to jump right into it, Ben FRUSTRATED ME TO NO END this episode. Marriage is so hard, y’all.

Chris Harrison enters the room and announces Ben is no longer in L.A., but is now in the marriage capital of the world, which is apparently Las Vegas,#Houstalantavegas, which is apparently where the twins are from, which is apparently why they’re hot, blonde, and twins.

Ben shares a deep thought in a personal moment with the camera: “People do find love in Vegas”

EXCUSE ME?!?!?!? PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE IN VEGAS? NO BEN, THAT’S PARIS, OR IN A NORTH CAROLINA NICHOLAS SPARKS NOVEL, OR IN SMALL TOWN TEXAS, NOT SIN CITY. THERE’S ANOTHER FOUR LETTER L WORD FOR THAT ok im done.

A building-sized sign says “Ladies, can’t wait to see you -Ben” which would be really romantic, if he wasn’t talking to like literally 10 women.

First date with Jojo: I’m so Uptown

Yay Dallas girl! At least one person isn’t threatened at all by Jojo. Because the more you talk to the camera about how stable you feel about a man, the more stable you are.

“Ben is my peace. I’m zen with Ben.” -Olivia

#stopOlivia2016

Jojo and Ben sip champagne on a roof when of course a helicopter picks them up. CAN WE HAVE ONE DATE THAT’S NOT IN A HELICOPTER??????

The table holding their champagne, knocks over, the bottle breaks, Jojo barely has any clothes on, and the two of them find it to be the perfect time to kiss. And of course, all the other girls can plainly see from their hotel room bc LOL.

Remember when Olivia was confident, well now she is make-up-less at the hotel about to slit her wrists after seeing Ben and Jojo kiss.

Now BOJO kiss in the sky. GLAD THEY’RE REALLY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER ON THIS ONE-ON-ONE DATE. TIME WELL SPENT.

We’ve magically sped through 6 hours and it’s nighttime. Like where did the entire day go, where did Jojo’s non-outfit go. She’s now wearing a form-fitting, high-neck black dress and like I just need it. I need the dress.

 

Jojo has the middle part that all of us want, but can never have because our foreheads are weird. They’re having sentimental conversation, and I’m too distracted by the middle part. It’s powerful.

JOJO JUST DROPPED THE BOMB THAT SHE IS BARELY 5 MONTHS OUT OF A 1.5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WELL ALRIGHTY THEN TAKE A SHOT FOR ME.

Five months is not a long time?? Like even if you don’t want to get back together with your ex, it still takes time to get over them and so I’m just mad.

Ben gave her a rose because he is equally mesmerized by her middle part.

They go to a roof. There are fireworks. She wears his sports coat. The girls in their hotel room can also see the fireworks HAH, at this point why don’t they just slap a live stream go-pro on Ben’s head while he’s on dates and get it over with? Like if you want the other girls to see the date, IT’S TIME TO JUST GET EXTREME.

Group date: Make me proud

THE GROUP DATE SURPRISE IS A TALENT SHOW. The GIRLS HAVE TO SHOW THEIR TALENTS LIVE ON STAGE TO 1,200 PEOPLE. I AM GOING TO VOMIT.

All of the girls are talentless and terrified, and you know what me too. I’m equally talentless and terrified.

Olivia is dressed in a full-on showgirl get up, and if you’re going to make me spell it out, it’s lingerie and feathers what do you want from me.

I guess I just hope Ben finds out how bizarre Olivia is before she accidentally wins the show.

The girls’ talents

Jubilee: Cello. While wearing jeans and a crop top. Representing millennials everywhere.
Twins: RIVER DANCING?? LIKE IT’S REALLY GOOD???? I’M SPEECHLESS???????????
Lauren H.: A chicken costume
Lauren B.: Juggling
Amanda: Hula hooping
Caila: Belly dancing

There was a clown costume somewhere in there, but it doesn’t even matter because Olivia.

Olivia. They wheel out a cake, she pops out of it, she struts around, except it’s not strutting, and tries to do funny dances, except it’s not funny, and shimmy’s and bends over, and everyone is pain-laughing and cringing, and dying, and I’ve never seen Ben more uncomfortable.

So she of course goes to the audience and forces him to hug her.

After the show, the girls are backstage, and Olivia can barely breathe she’s crying so hard, but like for the first time on the show, she is trying to not be shown on camera. #bless

The awkward part is she hasn’t changed and is having a panic attack in lingerie, which honestly can’t be easy, so respect.

“I couldn’t even look up because I knew he was mortified.” -Olivia so it’s hard being aware of other people’s feelings and reactions.

yikes. She is so embarrassed, like genuinely hysterically embarrassed. It’s hard to watch. iminpain.

Can we talk about the twins for a second?

They are the kind of twins that are constantly together and sitting close enough to be touching 24/7. Are they siamese twins? I just kind of feel like they’re here for fame, not Ben.  You don’t go on a reality show with your hot twin sister looking for true love. As a rule, you just don’t. FAME? ABSOLUTELY, THOSE WOES CAN RIVERDANCE LIKE A MOTHER.

Group date cocktail hour: 0 to 100 real quick

Ben and Caila get away, and she immediately puts her legs across his lap and jumps down his esophagus. He says she’s like a sex panther. Like I repeat, it was actual zero to actual 100, all over each other, ben cannot keep it in his pants this episode (OR ANY EPISODE THO) #worstbehavior.

Paige had strong opinions about Ben tonight.

Now Ben is with Lauren H. in the theatre where the talent show was. I’m addicted to Nut-Thin crackers help me Oprah, help me Weight Watchers.

Their alone time is boring and what do you know, they kiss. I don’t even need to watch the show to know what happens when Ben gets a girl alone. USE YOUR WORDS, BEN.

Olivia is wearing an extremely low-cut silky romper that isn’t helping her cause to come off as MaRriAgE MaTeRiAL (and btw, can we all, as women, vow to stop using that phrase thansk).

She’s telling Ben she felt awful about her performance in the talent show. Ben is just letting her talk, and asking her “Why?” WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY BEN???????? WERE YOU WATCHING OR NOT.

A TWIN STEALS BEN FROM OLIVIA. SLOW CLAP.

Post-commercial, we see Lauren B. with Ben. so what happened to the twintime. Ben is obsessed with her I think. I’m obsessed with her I think. he is ALL OVER HER.

Lauren B. expresses concern about him dating others and how much he likes her, “when there’s so many more beautiful women” and honestly, like yeah, she makes sense, I would be concerned too.

HE ASKS HER WHY SHE WOULD QUESTION HIS FEELINGS FOR HER.

OH I DON’T KNOW BEN, MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE DATING 4967 OTHER WOMEN. MAYBE I WANT TO MURDER YOU.

Ben, a man who has been on the other side of this show, tells her not to hold back his feelings for him. okthen.okthen.thatseemslikeagoodplan.thanksben.

Now Ben & Twin are having pointless convo, and Olivia walks up. She said she wants to start over. She is dancing, probably trying to lighten the seriously weird mood, and he says, “What is happening right now.” HA. ha. haaaa eehhh eeh eh. eeeeeeeeeeeek

He soothes her, and they peck, so she can sleep peacefully tonight now.

I PREDICT LAUREN B. GETS THE FIRST ROSE.

AND I’M RIGHT. THERE IT IS.

Ben always gives the girl with the most recent good interaction with, the rose. SO SUCKS FOR JOJO, GREAT DATE, BUT IT WAS TOO LONG AGO FOR BEN TO REMEMBER.

ben isn’t hard to figure out bc he is male.

Date with Becca: OH WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

Becca gets a huge package for the date with Ben, AND IT’S A WEDDING DRESS KILL ME??????

Ok I think I’m starting to like Jubilee she is funny ok.

Becca rides in a pink convertible to a church, WHERE BEN IS WAITING ON HER IN A TUX SO HAPPY WEDDING DAY.

He gets on one knee and asks her if she will marry……………………………… “OTHER PEOPLE TODAY?”

GOD BEN I COULD MURDER YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

So they’re officiating people today? Is this legal? Where is Zack Galifinackis? Now she’s in a different white, non-bride dress, and her hair is like loose and half up, half down and I want to do that too.

Now a sober couple is in the chapel getting married on The Bachelor. Ben is actually a gr8 officiator. They married 4 other couples so desperate to get married, it didn’t matter it was on The Bachelor.

Then they go to some place with old Vegas signs and i want to go.

BECCA AND HER LEGS IN THAT DRESS. I LITERALLY REWINDED THE TV. AM I A LESBIAN. IS SHE TAYLOR SWIFT. Is it her legs or is it the heels. GOD.

Ben is really into Becca. I think she has clip in extensions in, but like, respect.

THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT GOD ON THE BACHELOR. STOP EVERYTHING. HAS THIS EVERY HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF 20 SEASONS???

Ben brings up her decision to save herself for marriage because of faith. She says it’s not an issue that he’s not a virgin. They’re holding hands passionately.

He compliments her on her ability to make a commitment. BC IF YOU CAN COMMIT TO ABSTINENCE, YOU CAN COMMIT TO MARRIAGE is the obvious assumption.

Ben says he wants to make vows to Becca. They’re dumb BUT CUTE. he likes her so much. omg. this date.

She makes up vows on the spot God bless. They were good though, not generic. Ben tells the camera she’s perfect in every way.

Date with the twins: Just hold on, we’re going home

To make things impossible for Ben and America, the twins wear similar clothes in the exact same colors, with the exact same hair. THEY’RE GOING TO THE TWINS’ CHILDHOOD HOME CAN’T BREATHE.

Can’t wait for him to cut one of them. omg he goes into Haley’s room and THERE ARE FRAMED PHOTOS OF HER WITH AN EX EVERYWHERE. HAHA. 

Haley tells Ben she doesn’t want Ben to treat them like a “pair,” as she wears matching clothes with her sister, okay then, and does everything to be a pair so okthen.

Now Ben is talking with the mom alone. She explains everything about the twins’ personalities, and if she’s smart, she’ll hit on Ben, and try to steal her daughters’ spots on the show wait what.

After learning Emily is the more outgoing one, he breaks up with Haley, in front of both Emily and her mom.

IS THIS RESPECTABLE OR SH*TTY???? I’M CONFUSED ABOUT HOW I FEEL????? WAS IT HER PERSONALITY OR THE PICS OF HER EX????

Haley cries a lot. Now Emily is crying. But now he’s kissing her in the limo so like, she’s fine.

Cocktail hour: Over my dead body

Jennifer, WHO HONESTLY HASN’T EVEN HAD AN APPEARANCE THIS WHOLE EPISODE MUCH LESS ALONE TIME WITH BEN, is interrupted by Olivia.

And honestly like why do we have to honor the interrupter??? My boyfriend, sitting here on his computer pretending he’s not watching, says he thinks it’s Ben’s fault and that he should tell Olivia, “HEY I NEED MORE TIME WITH THIS OTHER GIRL GO AWAY,” and I agree.

Olivia is wearing a heavily beaded silver/black dress, and it’s short but loose around the hips, and I mean, I love it.

It’s clear Ben isn’t into Olivia tonight, despite the fun dress. let’s pray.

Later, Ben is with Jubilee. She tells him she’s been anxious, and Ben asks why, AND LIKE I JUST WANT TO HIT HIM. 

Rose ceremony: Take Care

Ben fully believes his wife is one of these women. That’s a rly strong statement.

ROSES CALLED IN ORDER:
Amanda
Lauren. H (wut?? over Lauren B.???)
Jubilee
Emily
Caila
Jennifer (Olivia audibly said “seriously?” WOWOWOWOWWOw)
Leah

LAST ROSE:
OLIVIA

Cut Episode 4:

• Rachel (Lane said, “At least you have time to go apply to a job now”
• Amber (I AM NOT SAD TO SEE HER GO)

Rachel is crying, and reveals she was THE ONLY GIRL WHO HASN’T KISSED BEN, so that’s probably why she’s going, it’s hard.

Amber immediately takes off her heels. GOOD FOR YOU AMBER. TAKE THE SHOES AND BRA OFF, THERE’S NO POINT ANYMORE. She’s crying at an alarming speed. She is laying on a pool chair saying things to herself and sobbing, it’s hard.

Next week: The girls go to Mexico, Jubilee “acts erratic,” Amanda has perfect hair, Olivia insults Amanda with a “Teen Mom,” joke, and Ben is worried there is a side to Olivia he hasn’t seen.