TIARA, THE CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST, BROUGHT AN ACTUAL CHICKEN, SO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES, STRAP IN, BUCKLE UP, ok.
We see Ben and Chris Harrison crash Bachelor viewing parties, and it’s all very eye opening. There are women in pajamas, babies wearing shirts that say “#hometowns,” men playing “Bachelor Fantasy leagues,” and full blown cakes with Chris Harrison’s face.
So much happens on Monday nights in America.
Then Ben Higgins walks into a house of circa 40 girls, what we can only assume is a sorority. Like screw you talented boy pop singers, screw you nobel peace prize winners, this is Ben Higgins, this is what girls really want.
Just to really drive it home, here are pictures from tonight’s episode, all real occuring events and factual.
But like yeah, I would scream a thousand girly screams if Ben walked into my apartment.
I don’t think I’ve watched a Women Tell All since Juan Pablo’s season so I’m just excited I might even run to CVS for wine and go all out idk idk
I miss Olivia. I miss Lace. I miss Jubilee.
Finally, with all the girls in the same room and a live studio audience, they all watch highlights of the season together, which is just a montage of girls talking behind each other’s backs, and Ben randomly jogging shirtless. A little box at the bottom zooms in on girls’ reactions as they watch.
It’s all just really beautiful.
Olivia has some serious false eyelashes going tonight.
OH GOD THE CHICKEN JUST STARTED FLYING, WE’RE UNDER ATTACK, JUBILIEE DO SOMETHING.
Chris Harrison takes control, ignores the chicken, and calls out Leah. You know, that one time she lied to Ben about Lauren B. She amazingly thinks she did nothing wrong. She is defending herself. It’s amazing how girls can convince themselves of anything.
I forgot that Jubilee is only 24. god. Tonight her title is “War Veteran” and like me too.
Y’all this is hard to blog. Everything is happening really fast. Girls are stressful.
Everyone decided to wear the most low-cut, boob-squishing dress they owned.
Jubilee, Jami, and Amber are now arguing about who’s the most black and has the right to jam out to Beyonce’s “Formation” or something to that effect basically. But like, tonight is the first night people realized Amber and Jami were two different people so why are we here, people.
Chris Harrison moderates the racism discussion.
Jubilee apologizes for being offensive.
This is like a literal presidential debate.
Jubilee in the hot seat
They play a full Jubilee montage, which is full of a lot of awkward serious moments, none of which are believable as a relationship, despite Ben saying, “he could see himself falling” for her.
The video sequence ends with a flashback of Jubilee breaking down, saying “I am the most unloveable person in the world,” which was like, sad, I guess, but also like, why is everyone saying that, why is this phrase the new “I never let my guard down.” I’m sorry.
With that said, Jubilee was very real about what it’s like being on the show, how Ben was behind the scenes, and her past. I just like her.
“Hey Ben, my whole family died, let’s make out.” -Jubilee
She’s winning over the girls. Soft tears and looks of pain are littered throughout the crowd. Chris, the class act he is, thanks her for her service and reminds her how special she is.
“This is every man’s worst nightmare.” -Lane upon seeing previews of Ben sitting in a room of women he’s dated.
Lace in the hot seat
Lace lightened up her hair and cut it into a short lob and it looks amazing. We see her montage, ending with her leaving the show to love herself.
Chris half-way tricks her into saying the lessons she learned on the show, she feels like she can use in the real world, but it’s fine because he’s Chris Harrison.
OH MY GOD. A MAN JUST CAME OUT OF NO WHERE, PULLED UP HIS SHIRT, AND SHOWED HIM A TATTOO OF LACE’S FACE .WHAT IN THE WORLD.
I NEED WINE.
I think he likes her??? question mark??? Somehow he doesn’t propose or ask for her number so sucks to get a tattoo of someone and get turned down, we’ve all been there.
Then Chris asks her to go to Bachelor in Paradise. She says yes. Because obviously it makes sense that if The Bachelor was too overwhelming, that means The Bachelor In Paradise is the right fit.
Olivia in the hot seat
She is wearing a loose fitting jumpsuit that is approximately four million times classier than most the dresses on the show, so it’s unflattering, but whatever.
Olivia admits it’s brutal to watch herself.
Love it when the camera cuts to a man in the studio audience.
Olivia again apologized for her teen mom comment, but Amanda piped up and reminded her she didn’t apologize for anything else, to which Olivia immediately turned around on her, “neither have you,” and shut it down.
ouch kind of.
The twins attack Olivia over everything she said about things not even related to them. #whichisannoying #yourenoteveninvolved
One of the twins attacks Olivia for saying “I can’t wear lowcut things, I’m trying to dress like marriage material” which was “basically calling the twin a slut” because the she had on a low cut romper at the time (AND BY THE WAY IS WEARING AN EXTREMELY REVEALING TOP RIGHT NOW).
Olivia tries to defend herself for always stealing Ben away. It is not going well for her.
Jennifer, who no one even remembers, chimes in to attack Olivia. Like, get out of here who are you.
Now the twins are attacking her for “ignoring them” and arguing with her about the order of things Olivia did and what she meant by it and like I’m exhausted. How are they able to remember exactly when and what happened. That’s outside my mental capability and I can’t.
Olivia brings up that she was severely bullied as a child, hoping that takes some of the negative attention away from her.
The girls are NOT letting up. The attacks continue. Like 89 girls to 1. Chris Harrison isn’t even trying to stop it. He’s like literally just sitting there.
What’s funny is the most vocal girls are the ones who were barely on the show. Like y’all can just go home now. Jubilee, the twins, Becca and Amanda can handle this.
Olivia finally breaks down when Chris asks about how the past couple months have been.
I MEAN OBVIOUSLY REALLY SH*TTY, CHRIS. HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE INTERNET LATELY.
She’s crying and talking. She apologizes to Amanda again and now it’s like okay get a grip ur fine stop apologizing. PUT SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HOT SEAT I’M SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
Caila in the hot seat
First of all, what is your hair Caila. SHAKE YOUR CURLS OUT. She is literally sporting ringlets. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU.
Watching Caila’s highlights from the season was stressful and everyone is silent.
She said that it was really good for her to see Ben’s dates with Jojo and Lauren B., because she wants a man to look at her like that someday. I have mixed feelings about her saying that.
Like, A, that’s mature I guess?? Which is annoying I guess??? But B, how twisted are we that we want the guy who dumped us for 2 other girls to look at us the way he looks at them????? wait what??????????????
Caila said she misses Ben. She’s still in love. I guess. I never really believed she was in love and now I don’t know what I think, and everything I thought I knew, I’m learning it again.
Ben in the hot seat
“Is that a chicken?” -Ben
The crowd laughs. Caila remains serious.
They discussed “compartmentalizing” the girls rather than “grouping and comparing them”
Hm yeah so I hate that.
Ben gets praised for “treating every girl like she was the only one there, like she was his #1” BECAUSE THAT CLEARLY WENT WELL FOR HIM, as opposed to comparing all of them.
NO, LIKE COMPARE THEM. LIKE YOU’RE HERE TO LITERALLY DATE THEM ALL AND COMPARE THEM ALL. WHY AM I SO WORKED UP. BYE.
Leah attacks Ben (watch the clip here) –WHICH IS TOTALLY UNJUSTIFIED– and he handles it so articulately and rationally I’m half way convinced he’s a sociopath.
Jubilee chimes in. She gets on to him for liking other girls who also “held back,” but that was the reason he “dumped” her. She refers to Jojo and Caila. I think this is just a classic case of #HESJUSTNOTTHATINTOYOU
Amanda lost her voice and so it’s even tinier and smaller and squakier than normal so kill me I can’t. She compliments him kill me I can’t.
Chris gives Becca a chance to talk. She compliments Ben. UGH. This is real. The girls are just raining sweet words on him like he didn’t just tell two girls the L word or something. Becca said it gave her hope that more guys may be out in the world like him blah blah actual blah.
Chris asks him to guess which twin is who. Ben nails it. is there anything he can’t do. that’s not a rhetorical question. I need to know if there is ANYTHING he CANNOT do.
Chris brings up the finale. Ben get’s excited about it.
“I would marry her tomorrow if I could.” -Ben
That quote is great and all, BUT DOES SHE WANT TO MARRY YOU AFTER WATCHING THIS SEASON???????????????????????????????????????
I’ve literally never been more invested or committed to blogging a season of The Bachelor so I’m scared for both my well being and blog views when it’s over.
FOR THE RECORD, I HATE SPOILERS AND AM ONE OF THE FEW WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHO WON THIS SEASON. MY BOYFRIEND THINKS LAUREN B. WON. I THINK JOJO WON. I REALLY DON’T KNOW AND I’M SCARED.
Also, this episode was the struggle of my life to blog, and was way easier to live tweet I’m sorry.
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