The Bachelor Episode 2: I am not crazy

Good morning, I hope you were all prepared for the opening scene of Ben in blue boxers.

First date card

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace.

These girls are *MIND-BLOWN* when their names get called, like they didn’t realize being on The Bachelor meant going on dates.

#Shitlaced

“I’m not a crazy girl at all.” -Lace

(i just came up with #shitlaced and was so impressed w myself and i told my boyfriend and he fake laughed at it so)

Remember ladies, the best way to win a man over is to repeat, “I am not crazy! I am not crazy. iamnotcrazy,” to anyone who will listen, including said man, or the nearest person with a camera.

First group date

Principal Chris Harrison appears: Welcome to Bachelor High!!!!!!

The girls compete in order to win the title of “Homecoming Queen,” because going through the traumatic experience that is high school once isn’t enough.

We begin in a science classroom full of experiment tools. The first group of girls who can make Ben’s volcano explode wins the round. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????????? why am i even surprised tho. i feel like i’m living inside a real life cards against humanity game.

“I’m not sure if Lace can read. I won’t murder her, but she may very tactfully disapeear” -Jubilee, Lace’s teammate/army veteran. Queue awkward laughs from everyone at home watching. #murderjokesarefunnytho

We move on to some sort of apple bobbing activity and I can’t think of anything more unflattering.

Oh, spoke to soon, because now it’s time for basic United States geography.

All the girls have to do is place Indiana on a map. THAT’S ALL. BEN WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU’RE SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER. We see Becca and Jojo suffering greatly, which makes me suffer greatly.

Only one woman can be dubbed the ever-wanted title of homecoming queen, both in life and on the show. Amber and Mandi competed in hurdles, and then….

HAPPY HOMECOMING, BEN, MANDI IS UR QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the Spanx & TUMS out, it’s cocktail hour

Now Ben and Becca (#BECCA wait) play basketball (yes, during cocktail hour). She is wearing the shortest, smallest, barely therest dress and she can absolutely pull it off but I guess I just wish there was just a little bit more left to the imagination.

GOD HER FACE IS SO SYMMETRICAL AND PHOTOGENIC IT KILLS ME YOU WIN.

Becs & Ben hold hands while repeating uber-genuine phrases like “I’m in this.” “I’m excited to be here.” “I’m ready.”

gr8

WAIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED I’VE BEEN BLIND-SIDED Ben is now sitting with Jennifer out of nowhere AND THEY BEGIN KISSING OUT OF NOWHERE what. what. what. So this was the first (official, not forced by Lace) kiss.

Within seconds, Jen tells the rest of the girls and Lace continues her borderline-phsyco-babble to the camera about how she WILL get a rose tonight, despite the obvious setbacks.

Cut back to the mansion Caila gets the first date card does anyone care yet.

#shitlaced rants continue.

“Ben got a different Lace that I didn’t want him to see.” -Lace

#GetLaceOnMeds2016

But can Lace and her perfect eyebrows pull of winning Ben over another week?

Now Ben and Lace (#BLACE) are alone together. She apologizes for her behavior at the last cocktail hour. His response is as normal and understanding as humanly possible. They hold hands. He tells her she’s beautiful and wants to get to know her better. I puke.

Perfect eyebrows: 1. Ben: 0.

Jubilee and her skintight midi purple dress swoop in and what do you know Lace is pissed BECAUSE LACE.

Ben and Jubilee sit alone together (#BUBILEE!!!) He tells the camera he is “extremely” interested by her . She goes into how she was born in Haiti, lived in an orphanage, and was adopted.

This is all very deep and fascinating but all I can think about is her nails.

JUBES AND HER NAILS ARE KISSING BEN LET’S START THE DRINKING GAME.

Jubes is back with the girls, and Lace actually attacks her because of how much time she got with Ben.

“I’m not crazy, I just need one more minute with Ben,” Lace says interrupting Jojo’s time with Ben (#BOJO). Jojo and the other girls get REALLY worked up over Lace’s interruption and at this point I’m just mad that Ben is letting this happen.

Lace’s Eyebrows have talked to Ben twice now, while most girls haven’t even seen him once.

Meanwhile: all the girls hate Lace.

Ben plucks Jojo out of the bunch, like a petal off a rose, and takes her to the roof, WHICH IS BY FAR THE BETTER DEAL THAN WHAT THE OTHER GIRLS GOT. #ROOFBONDING #THEBESTBONDING

He goes on and on about her happy, bubbly attitude, and how he was so attracted to it during Bachelor High games. Meanwhile, every cynical, non-bubbly girl watching the show death glares at the TV, dead and empty inside.

They’re about to kiss. They kiss. Everyone take a shot. Say a curse word.

Honestly: this makes me so much less attracted to perfect Ben. LIKE STOP KISSING EVERY1.

He is all over her. THREE GIRLS AND WE’RE ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT, FOLKS, STRAP IN.

Jojo gets the first rose, so apparently she was the best kisser, hashtag Dallas, hashtag she learned everything she knows in uptown, hashtag if you live in dallas you’re a good kisser hashtag hashtag hashtag.

First one-on-one date: Caila

We see Kevin Hart and ICE Cube driving up and it’s just like what. The girls lose their actual shit bc it’s the first time they’ve seen a black man since they’ve been on the show.

Kevin and ICE aren’t here to promote a movie at all. Lace isn’t crazy at all.

Kevin is like a real-life movie scene. Like he is constantly performing stand up. Line after witty line after line. He and ICE are leading the date, so first stop: Cheap, ghetto liqor store. 

~*~*~*~butterflies*~*~*~

Next stop: Hot tub shopping, where the Ben & Caila (#BAILA) come out of nowhere in a swimsuits, because of course, being half naked half the time is a law here. Baila get in a hot tub with Kevin and he even pulled his pants down because #desperate4laughs.

THE BAD DATES ARE FUNNY ENOUGH ON THEIR OWN, BACHELOR PRODUCERS, WE DON’T NEED ACTUAL COMEDIANS. 

meanwhile there are literally two, count them, two commercials for Kevin’s movie and I still couldn’t tell you the name of it so

Now they’re at dinner and Ben gets real deep real quick. How he’s felt unlovable, how it hasn’t been a “two-way street”,  how people have flaked on him, etc… (HI, IT’S CALLED DATING, BEN, WELCOME TO BEING A DEPRESSED MILLENNIAL HAPPY 2016)

She gets a rose.

They walk out of dinner and see a theater with a marquis sign reading “BEN AND CAILA”

“Today has been beyond my wildest dreams.” -Caila.

They walk into the theatre, and it’s Amos Lee, one of Ben’s favorite artists, and they dance blissfully in their own private concert, god.

Caila pretends to know who Amos Lee is.

Ben’s favorite song of all time plays, I HOPE YOUR READY FOR THAT SONG TO BE RUINED FOREVER AFTER THIS SHOW, BEN.

They dance and it’s emotional, bc you could literally be on this date with a paper sack and fall in love, it’s all to perfect. THIS SONG IS GOOD HELP I’M FEELING THINGS. BEN IS SINGING. I’M CALM.

“There’s no way he’s unloveable. Snowball’s chance in…..you know where.” -Caila.

JUST SAY HELL. JUST SAY IT PLS. I NEED YOU TO SAY THE WORD.

Group date No. 2

Amanda and her ombre hair facetime her children. Sweet moments everywhere.

Next group date: Emily, Shoshana, Sam, Olivia, Hayley, Amanda.

Ben and “Dr. Love” will be conducting experiments on the girls to decide who has the best chemistry with Ben. Seconds later we see the twins talking about being a “science person.”

The chemistry tests:

1. Retina tracking: monitoring the girls’ eyes as they look at photos of Ben and Sean Lowe, and where their eyes go first.
2. Pheromone sniff test: FORCING THE GIRLS TO GET ON TREADMILS AT THE SAME TIME, THEN BEN GOES AROUND AND SNIFFS THEM UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL KILL ME SQUINTING AS I TYPE I HOPE EVERYONE IS OVULATING RIGHT NOW
3. Thermal heating color screen: One by one, the girls sit in a room with Ben, while the others watch their body heat on a screen, everyone in underwear, because this is The Bachelor, and if you’re half naked in the woods with no one around are you even half naked.

Don’t worry, because during the pheromone test, BEN ACTUALLY SAID SAM SMELLED SOUR, after calling other girls “sweet” or “fruity”. I NEED AN ACTUAL THERAPIST AND I’M JUST AT HOME WATCHING.

At the end of the tests, the lowest score was 2.42/10 and went Sam. 😐 😐 😐

The highest score went to Olivia at 7.45/10, which is like, unfair, because how do you trick a man into being chemically attached 2 u. where r the mind games we all so desperately rely on here. 

This date was so extremely interesting and yet so cringeworthy and yet I want to take the tests and yet I want to die.

CoCkTaiL HoUr

Ben steals Olivia (#BOLIVIA) first bc she had the highest score in the Love Lab obvi. He takes her to his “Bachelor Pad” and she looks exactly like Cameron Diaz and I can’t focus.

they kiss.

YOU COULD HAVE JUST DOWNLOADED TINDER IF ALL YOU WANTED TO DO WAS MAKE OUT WITH GIRL AFTER GIRL.

Olivia refuses to talk about her time with ben to the girls, which comes off bitchy, but at the same time I respect it??????????????????

But the other girls aggressively overanalyze her silence and accuse her of trying to get into our heads and “it’s working.”

Now we have Ben alone with Sam (#BAM) and he smells her neck and says “passionfruit” and like is that honestly any better?????????????????

OLIVIA GETS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE —— AGAIN…. IS SHE GOING TO OPEN UP A FLOWER SHOP WITH ALL HER ROSES ok bad joke sry

“I don’t know what rose ceremonies are, really.” -Olivia, the most modest girl in the house.

Amanda cries to the camera, saying she doesn’t know if it’s worth it for her to be here, clearly discouraged by Olivia’s success and overall presence.

Hashtag we all have an Olivia in our lives.

Olivia steals Ben from a girl, after already receiving a rose, so it’s like why. why. #howtogeteveryonetohateyou

Later, Lace talks to herself.

“Insecure Lace came out. The Lace I promised myself I wouldn’t be came out.” -Lace, to the camera, and herself, still.

Later, Ben kisses Amanda (#BAMANDA), mother of 2.

Later, Ben gives Amanda some plastic barrettes for her daughters and she starts crying.

Later, Ben stresses out about not having enough time for all the girls.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME EVERYONE BREATHE

First rose goes to Amanda and her daughters and their barrettes.

Next called in order bc order matters: Jubilee (wtf), Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Rachel (who is she), Lace (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT), LB ….

LB PULLS HIM ASIDE TO TALK

LB IS WEARING PANTS.

LB DOESN’T THINK SHE CAN DO THIS

LB LEAVES

so apparently it’s possible to not want to date Ben.

Back to rose-giving: Jennifer, Emily (the hotter twin????), Jamie (but who is she), Lauren H., Shoshana (has she spoken english yet), Hayley (less hot twin????).

Last rose: Amber.

Cut episode 2:

• Sam (smelled sour)
• Mandi (dentist, rose hat, RIP)
• Jackie (idk tbh)

Sam was really emotional, understandably. I would be crying too if I went through that. And by that I mean the “sour” moment, not being cut.

So to recap, Lace got a rose and I’m not crazy.