R.I.P. Kayla Itsines Killed Me

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Kayla Itsines is living the millennial dream: Getting paid to do what she loves.

Kayla Itsines is also secret plotting to take over the world via mass murder, through her ever-so-sneaky work out and nutrition program called, “Bikini Body Guide” or #bbg if you’re on Instagram. Through physically impossible, timed circuit workouts and portion controlled food suggestions, she will soon have us all under her control, so she can kill us, and be queen HBIC of the universe.


It’s working.

I’ve been sporadically half-assing her workouts over the last 8ish months and they’re hard af. I literally die when I’ve completed the work out, every time. Ghost me is blogging this. And ghost me is sore.

Not only is Kayla murdering us and living our dream life, she also dropped out of college to do so. So like, congrats to you reading this blog, for sticking it out for your bachelors degree and/or MBA to get the 30K millionaire job you have now, because her drop out ass is worth 1.5M.

And by M, I don’t mean macros. #haha #diethumor #macros

Her Bikini Body Guide plan that launched in 2014 is somehow still relevant in a world full of ADHD millennials who are bombarded with different diets and half naked IG fitness photos every second.


Well I remember the first time I tried to drop out of college and become a global fitness guru.

augusta bbg2

waist size goals

But like so many almost-made-it-on-the-Forbes-list failed entrepreneurs before me, I wasn’t lucky enough to drop out of college to pursue my dream career path of posing in midriff-bearing work out clothes on Instagram.

But I’m a survivor.

Now I can be the office worker using Kayla’s #BBG. Which was my 2nd dream career goal. Yay.

And let me tell you, don’t let the fluffy Instagram quotes and sweet innocent Australian face fool you — THIS WORKOUT GUIDE IS NO EFFING JOKE. IT’S NO EFFING JOKE.

But this is not a before and after story. This is not a personal journey blog post. This is an expression of my utter confusion and mindblownness over how hard this program actually is.

Five things you need to know about the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide

1. Just plan on not being able to walk or breathe deeply for 2 days months post-work out

I’m going on four days since my last KI leg work out, and I’m still sore enough that it hurts to walk. AND I AM NO STRANGER TO THE #GYMLIFE. But it feels like I’ve never worked out in my life. and im confused.

2. It’s 28 minutes of BST then it’s over and it’s like oh

The program is designed so that you do 4 moves repeatedly for 7 minutes straight, rest a minute, and do that 4 times, to total a deceivingly short time-span of only 28 minutes. “Twenty-eight minutes that’s it?? I’m going to have to add a run on this, it’s barely a work out!” I thought to myself in all my ignorance, embarking this journey.

But the moves all use the exact same muscle group so LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW YOUR QUADS FEEL AFTER 28 MINUTES OF LUNGE VARIATIONS.

3. You will do the HIIT treadmill run. And fall off of it. And die.


who did this

On the 2 days you don’t do a circuit/strength work out, she has the audacity to ask you to complete HIIT and LIIT run. There will be 30 seconds periods when  you have to hop from side to side on a treadmill. And it will be 6:45am and you will literally fall off in front of other gym goers in  your tiny apt gym. And die.

4. Your head will actually explode off of your body when you see the transformation photos



My first reaction to seeing all the transformation photos is, HOW DID SHE STICK TO THE PROGRAM. The caption will be like “lalala week 12!!” and it’s like DOES NO ONE ELSE HAVE OFFICE HAPPY HOURS OR OFFICE DONUTS OR OFFICE TEQUILA DAYS??? 

And my second reaction is “o wow ok then.”

5. She cares about macros but who is macro


ahh, yes, i’m a fitness blogger now, we’re talking about macros now

Literally tho. Is counting macros the same as counting calories. How many macros are in 4 glasses of pinot noir. Are there less macs in 1 bottle than 4 glasses. How many macros do I burn typing a subtweet.

so hard.

happy saint patrick’s day i guess. i have to do a HIIT run tonight. bye.

read more of my v exclusive n professional diet tips by SUBSCRIBING TO IFIF top right of this page or scroll down on mobile THANX


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Filed under humor, wellness

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