Tag Archives: i have a college degree?
IS EL NIÑO A DRUG LORD OR A HURRICANE????
These stories are all accurate accounts of interactions with brands and businesses this week and I approve this message. buckle up. grab a snack. this one’s a reader.
You know those “Letter to myself at 18,” or “A lesson to a younger me,” articles? Well those are stupid.
Last night, single sober and home for the holidays, I was up late and sifting through my childhood bookshelves. I stumbled upon 3 diaries that I literally have not cracked since before Facebook even existed. I know. Can you even think that far back. I know.
It may be too late for 23-year-old me to go back and advise Mexico-traveling Augusta to not put her hair in cornrows, but it’s ABSOLUTELY NOT too late for 12-year-old Augusta to give me wisdom in my current quarter-life-crisis age. This blog will have direct quotes and/or wise proverbs from multiples diaries from circa 95-2004, and you’re welcome.
Circa 1995: It is absolutely possible to pinpoint the downfall of my generation
See here. I wasn’t coherent enough to write in a language that already exists, but I still gave myself the “You’re #1” sticker. A sign of self-entitlement, narcissism, and overall “A for participation,” also known as, the downfalls of millennials.
Circa ’95: You can predict your own future
Foreshadowing that I would eventually one day become an amateur calligrapher.
Circa ’99 maybe: If you don’t want someone to read something, write “The art of algebra mathematics” on the front of it
This entire book is filled with entries, but from GOD ONLY KNOWS what year. I put the dates and the time I wrote in it, but apparently, years were not important to me. The book was published in ’99 so we’ll go with that.
January 2, 1999: It’s not official unless God OR Jesus signs your contract “at any time”
Take notes, peasants.
February 5, 1999: You can’t teach people to be cool
So don’t even try
Circa 2003: Don’t commit to lockets
This diary was found like this. The picture is worth a thousand unlocked words.
September 14, 2003: How to play hard to get
At the time, it’s evident that “kool” was more in touch with teen-culture than “cool.” I should also note that above this step-by-step survival guide, I had listed the top 10 hottest guys in my class, and Ashton Kutcher was number one. #notinfluencedbymedia
I promised a friend that I would include a picture of me in cornrows in this blog and I literally cannot find a picture and my mom is rushing me to go run errands with her and my life is hard bye
This is a story of a real white girl who thought she had actual cancer because she had a sore throat and suspicious tongue/throat bumps for three straight weeks. It is not dramatic or ridiculous at all.
It all started the Tuesday after Halloween. My throat hurt. I thought nothing of this.
Two weeks later.
It’s 1:13 PM on a Saturday afternoon and I’m babysitting. Grand Master 2 and 1/2 year-old Wesley had just laid down in his bed chambers for his daily nap. Since my throat still hurt, I decided I would take a casual glance at it because why not.
The face of the devil himself was staring back at me in the form of bumps. Bumps I had never seen. All the bumps. FREAKING BUMPS Y’ALL
NOTHING LIKE FREE TIME AND WIFI. I proceeded to spend the next hour or so incessantly Internetting/self diagnosing/stressing/sweatIng and taking four thousand iPhone photos with flash. Literally do not go through my camera library right now.
My “omg i have cancer” thought process
ok so i have bumps on my throat, they’ve been there 2 weeks, I’ve had no other symptoms of being sick, i don’t have allergies, so basically i have pre-HIV, because problems with the tongue are usually just results of bigger diseases going on, so no big deal, i either have diabetes, cancer, or pre-HIV/pre-pre-AIDS, even though i’ve never even done illegal drugs, but i made out with a stranger last new years, and delayed symptoms are real, and i had the stomach bug a month ago and i lost 7 pounds in 3 days so it’s clear my immune system is crashing and oh my god what if it goes to my brain then i have to decide if i want to go the death with dignity or just the old fashioned way and oh god now i’ll NEVER finish the Not That Kind of Girl book
I literally hadn’t been this distraught since I found out Nelly had his own reality TV show, naturally titled Nellyville.
I texted friends. I told them I’m dying. I told them cancer is real and I have it. All of them told me to stop googling.
As weird fate would have it, I was due for the bi-annual teeth cleaning. I made the dentist stick a flashlight in my face and look at my throat. I was ready for him to tell me I’m fine and it’s nothing, but that’s not what he told me. I repeat that is not what he told me.
“Yeah, those are odd. Let’s get you back here next week to see what those bumps do. If they’re not gone, I’m going to take a biopsy.”
I realize biopsies aren’t necessarily a big deal, because there is such a thing as benign, and things aren’t what they seem, and things go away.
On the other hand, I’ve never broken a bone, I have 20/20 vision, and my worst injury to date was drunk-spraining my ankle in Deep Ellum Labor Day weekend 2014. SO THIS BIOPSY REVELATION THREW MY HEALTHY ASS FOR A LOOP.
Then I had to make a decision. do I tell my parents about this? do i really want to freak them out, make them worry, ruin their Thanksgiving, panic them??? will my mom send me to M.D. Anderson?? So of course I decide not to. I tell my sister I’m not telling the parents so everything is official.
48 minutes later.
My mom, who has been a hygienist longer than most of my blog readers have been alive, responded to my I MIGHT HAVE 23 YEAR OLD CANCER text with “cinnamon candy” accusations.
Not too much happened in the countdown week to the biopsy appointment. Just some mild precautions on my end. You know. Like scheduling 87 appointments with different doctors in Dallas.
One with my OBG (for literally no other reason than to be extreme, SRY IF IT’S TMI~*~*~*~), an appointment with a Baylor doctor specializing in otolaryngology, and one with a general ENT doctor who could get me in A.S.AP. on ZocDoc. SO, if you’re into math, including the dental appointments, that is five appointments in a two week span for a sore throat because I’m not extreme.
So now we’re all caught up to the day of biopsy, also known as, this morning.
My computer alarm rang out at 6:45 A.M. Yes, computer. My one iPhone charger broke last night and I had to use all my cunning survival skills to figure out how I would wake up in the morning without an iPhone.
I don’t want to talk about it but 1 car charger, 1 wall, and 3 cords later, I had literally spent $70 on chargers.
I was on time for the dentist appointment. My bumps were still there and I was still in pain, so I was certain I would be getting a biopsy. I had mentally prepared myself. I had sent out car selfie snapchats saying “biopsssyyy tyymmmmeee” and everything.
WELL I WAS WRONG. He examined the bumps and instead of going the biopsy route, he decided to prescribe me antibiotics (clindamycin???? i’m pretty sure i once took this as an acne medication??? i’m pretty). Then he scheduled me another appt for the following week. ok then.
EXCEPT I’M STILL CONVINCED I HAVE ALL THE DISEASES IN THE WORLD.
Which is fine because i had another appt that morning with the ENT guy from ZocDoc.com it’s fine hehe. This doctor knew everything there was ever to know about tongues and all things mouth and idk he might have been God himself.
He took one good look at my throat and told me it was all entirely normal. NOT EVEN SICK. LIKE JUST ACTUAL NORMAL. OKAY THEN. He pulled out a large text book filled with pictures of tongues. He pointed to one that looked like mine. The text under the photo said “Prescription: reassurance.”
so i guess inflammed lymph tissue and a possible case of acid reflux all mix together to create an anticlimactic diagnosis complete with an over the counter drug recommendation.
it’s fine. i’m actual fine.
I was recently requested to blog about budgeting. HAHA. ok.
I’m obviously a perfect candidate to blog about personal financing in the adultworld because I have ABSOLUTELY NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE done any of the following things:
- Lost my debit card, especially not Halloween 2014
- Accidentally signed up for a credit card at Marshalls
- Forget to sign up for a toll tag, then forget to Google how to pay, then forget to pay
- Over-drafted. Ever.
….idontwanttotalkaboutit. ihaveamarshallscreditcard. thestruggleisreal.
REALIZATIONS ABOUT MY FINANCIAL HABITS COMPARED TO THOSE AROUND ME:
1. Everyone and their dog has a 401K and or “roth” savings, and at least most people have dabbled in stocks and bonds.
Was there a personal financial class in college that I missed???? Was I supposed to register in the Barnes & Noble self-help budgeting aisle for my graduation party????? How did I miss the “know everything there is to know about money in the adult world” memo???? CAN YOU NOT HAVE AN IRA ROTH ACCT???? YOU’RE MAKING ME FEEL BAD????? I NEED A HUSBAND???????????????????
2. Some people are saving their receipts
There is no moment of self-doubt and reflection quite like when shopping/eating with a friend, and she asks for her receipt and saves it in her wallet. *wait should I have saved my receipt?? is there a chance to win $3,000 by taking a survey on the back?? what is she doing???*
Apparently people get tax money back if they save their receipt??? WHERE DO YOU PUT ALL YOUR RECEIPTS??? HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF THEM ALL AN ENTIRE YEAR??? HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU ACTUALLY SAVE?? WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS???? DO YOU SOMEHOW MAKE YOUR RECEIPTS DIGITAL OR IS THIS ALL LITERALLY TANGIBLE PAPER BECAUSE I’M SCARED.
3. Then there are those who make Google Excel Docs and manually enter their expenditures
I am so not one of these people that it actually hurts. I have a Mint account (more on that in three seconds) and that is a HUGE LEAP AND BOUND for me. I didn’t even really monitor it for about 8 months, I just had it so I could receive death-threat e-mails every week and feel suicidal looking at the “eating out/alcohol/shopping” trends.
My budget-saavy friends say Mint is basic and doesn’t even budget right. like WUT??? So instead, they do it all manually in Excel and keep track of every cent with just a calculator and their checking account like HAHALOLWUT??/ so much wut
4. Mint.com is not a fashion blog by the Olsen twins
I was once introduced to this magical witchcraft technology that keeps track of everything you spend and creates colorfully whimsical graphics and pie charts of your spending habits. This is called mint.com and it will not tell you what was on the ready-to-wear spring 2015 runways.
I use mint. The other day, I updated the budgets in it. In November, I’m doing this new thing where I ACTUALLY stick to budgets. So far it’s been easy because you can’t spend money when there are only $2 in your account #SAVINGSACCOUNTSAREREAL
About two weeks ago, I bought a $20 candle. For myself. It’s sitting next to me as I type. I just felt like I really needed a chic candle, and when you’re single, I subscribe to the theory of self-pamper. Sometimes you have to do weird things like buy yourself absurdly chic candles and flowers.
Click here if you want the candle. Or don’t. I don’t get commission if you buy it. bye.
Image/gif creds: http://giphy.com, http://www.thedreslyn.com, bookriot.com, pandawhale.com, gifrific.com