The Bachelor Ben Higgins Episode 7: No.

Alright well Ben is straight, and if you didn’t believe it before, just see the opening of this episode, and his unique choice of a leather jacket. #dressingyourselfishard #menwhoneedwives

Warsaw, Indiana

Ben’s hometown, parents, and childhood are so picturesque I want to die.NO BUT REALLY, HE WAS THE QUARTERBACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. He and his hometown life are adorable, and exactly what you want to blast on TV and marry into.

He tells his parents about the girls. The highlights:

• There’s a great side to Becca “and also a stand-offich side” (no.)
• He’s more himself around Jojo than anyone (oh??)
• Amanda is shockingly beautiful (ok.)
• Emily is a twin (gr8.)
• Caila is scared to fall in love (mhm.)

I want to like Caila but I just wish one time she would say a non-cliche/non-basic sentence. I just want her to say a sentence that isn’t a combination of every sentence ever said on The Bachelor, really, is all.

Now we’re all in Ben’s hometown living room and he tries to make a joke about his parents having sex bc they’re still in love so.

First date: Lauren B.

He warns her she only has 30 minutes to get ready, and she’s mortified, despite already being in full hair and make up. If you could say a quick prayer.

They proceed to drive around in his red truck, and he points at things and tells her memories of his life. Starting with his first kiss and exactly how it went down, it was cute, it’s fine, then he asked Lauren B. to kiss him, and ruined the story.

They stop at one of the most IMPORTANT PLACES IN HIS LIFE. WHAT IS IT??  A CAFE??? A QUIET PLACE NEAR WATER????????? SONIC?????????????????? SOMETHING A NORMAL HIGH SCHOOLER CARES ABOUT??????

no.

It’s a youth center that focuses on extra curricular activity for kids.

He worked there for years. Because Ben is literally a disciple. He’s a saint. He’s basically just a young version of the pope.

So I hope you feel insecure and not worthy to date Ben, because you’re right, you’re not worthy.

It’s all too perfect. Remember when Ben said he was unloveable? I hate him.

There are like 49 little kids yell-chanting “KISS! KISS! KISS!” and it’s giving me anxiety.

Ok Indiana Pacer players walk in and it’s not Lebron so is it even a big deal, is it really. Also, WRONG DEMOGRAPHIC?????? DO ANY OF THE WHITE GIRLS WATCHING THIS SHOW KNOW WHO THESE NBA PLAYERS ARE????????????

Date night with Lauren B.

THE DATE NIGHT IS AT HIS ACTUAL APARTMENT??? THIS DOESN’T SEEM SAFE???? STALKERS ARE REAL?? but really what’s ben’s address. 

Lauren dives right into the awkward conversation they had last week, the one where Leah lied to Ben about Lauren B, and we all wanted to murder Leah, that one time. Ben assures her that one negative comment hasn’t ruined his image of her. He says he knows the true her. mmkay.

All of the sudden we are at a bar with his hometown friends and Lauren and he says he feels like he’s in his hometown with his potential wife/girlfriend so like DON’T SAY THAT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT BECAUSE THERE ARE 5 OTHER GIRLS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER OTHER GIRLS AT HOME WHOSE FEELINGS YOU’RE STIRRING.

Honestly, this was the best date you could ask for. Lauren B. said she felt like she just fell in love with Ben from Indiana and not Ben The Bachelor, and it’s like yeah ur rite, and it’s like no other girls are getting special Indiana-memories-Ben, so.

2nd date: Jojo

The date card mentioned Chicago, and it’s Jojo’s first trip to Chicago, so like, lol, I remember my first date in Chicago. I remember my first date with Ben in Chicago. It was v special.

Ok he had a message for them on the sign at the Wrigley field, and they GET THE WHOLE FIELD TO THEMSELVES, AND SHE IS WEARING A JERSEY THAT SAYS “MRS. HIGGINS” AND SHE IS REALLY GOOD AT BASEBALL????????????????? KILL ME?????????????????? 

AND THEN HE HIT THE BALL TOO?? WITH THE BAT???? I AM CONFUSED HAVE THEY BEEN PRACTICING??

i would not have pulled that off, this would have given me actual anxiety, just let me frolick in my higgins jersey, dont make me sports.

they’re laying in the middle of the field UGH CUTE. IM NOT EVEN SURE I UNDERSTAND BASEBALL AND THIS IS CUTE.

Again, Ben says he’s more himself around Jojo than anyone. so THAT IS A VERY SERIOUS THING TO CASUALLY SAY. Like, so you’re not yourself around the others??? So if you don’t choose Jojo to be your wife, you’re not fully being yourself??????????

no.no.

Date night with Jojo

STILL IN THE WRIGLEY FIELD. JUST A TABLE, TWO CHAIRS, AND AN ENTIRE EMPTY STADIUM. He asked why she’s nervous. She said she’s trying to not hold back. He said he questions if her feelings are really there. because unless you’ve cried and told ben you were kidnapped as a child, you’re not being vulnerable or opening up enough.

Like all of us, she said her insecurities are from her past, not from Ben. HASHTAG MARRIAGE PROBLEMS ARE SINGLE PROBLEMS. Ben is all over her being insecure over her past. JOJO YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE YOU HAVE PAST.

Group date

They all go to a pond and pair off for row boats. He reminds them it’s the most important rose in the entire world. Bc next week he meets families. No pressure to be perfect on this date at all.

And here is where group dates just become tiny one-on-one dates.

Ben and Amanda. Boring. My brain already forgot whatever they talked about. Probs her kids.

Ben and Becca. She is really pushing him away, but at the same time reminds him how much she likes him. She said at the very least she deserves someone who really wants her, and wants to be with her. YES, EXACTLY. ALL GIRLS SHOULD READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN. She reiterates she’s insecure about his connections with other girls. BECCA IS VALID IN ALL HER INSECURE FEELINGS. He didn’t really validate anything she said and i just feel empty.

Ben and Caila. THEY START OUT BY MAKING OUT SO THIS IS PRODUCTIVE. Then she starts talking so here we go. Her hometown isn’t as special as Ben’s because she moved like 8 thousand times before high school, so “all she has is her family” to offer him ok, then he’s gonna dump you, bc he is rly looking for new roots and a new hometown.

GROUP DATE ROSE: He “wanted to make this person feel confident” about introducing her family to him. It’s kind of obvious. Amanda gets the rose.

I mean it makes sense???? She has actual children????????? Those are important, it’s hard, i don’t blame him???

Message to the other girls:  YOU DON’T HAVE CHILDREN, YOUR FAMILY SUCKS, YOU DON’T EXSIST.

Becca is crying. She says she feels like she’s getting nothing from him. She said she doesn’t know what else she’s supposed to do. She doesn’t know where their relationship will go from here.

Caila is crying. But it’s more about not “having a community back home” and “not having roots” than it is that she didn’t get the rose. She doesn’t think her parents will “be enough”. I don’t think Ben is like trying to move in to your “hometown” i think ur fine.

Becca is still crying. Her feelings are hurt. She’s never opened up to someone so fast.

I think Ben just wants to be everyone’s #1. He has the woo quality.

Date with Amanda

Since he gave Amanda a rose, they get a one-on-one. Hence why the other girls are suicidal.

They to go MCDONALDS “because Ben just wants to do what he would normally do” because it’s clear that Ben and his man-physique normally eat McDonald’s and he’s definitely not in any McDonald’s commercials, and this is not sponsored by them, and it this is natural.

They proceed to get behind the register and serve burgers.

Ben loves “her goofy side.”

no.

“Her goofy side” is literally the same as all her other sides. Amanda is blindingly stunning but like mild to moderately boring. Lil blandsies.

The night’s not over, he has a huge surprise for her up his sleeve, it’s a carnival, they’re at a carnival.

but this is no ordinary carnival date at a hometown.

THE ENTIRE TOWN IS SURROUNDING THEM AT THE CARNIVAL LIKE IT’S BEATLEMANIA, LIKE THE MAYOR ANNOUNCED BEN WAS THERE, LIKE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE WHEN GEORGE BAILEY’S WIFE RAISES THE MONEY THEY NEED TO SAVE THE BANK UGH OMG WHAT IS BEN’S LIFE RIGHT NOW. 

Ben interacts with kids at the carnival. Amanda watches and says he’d be a good dad. Strategic. Dating is strategic.

They’re on a ferris wheel. They make out on top of it. SCADS OF HUMANS WATCH FROM BELOW. WHY. THIS IS SO WEIRD.

Date with Emily

They boat to a lake house and Ben is introducing Emily to his parents?????????? Which is deceiving bc you think this is a good thing and then you remember it’s Emily?????????

oh god, Emily and the mom are chatting alone, white wine involved. She’s talking too much. Too fast. Oh it’s painful. Oh I’m embarrassed. Emily’s dreams and aspirations: becoming an NFL cheerleader.

ok.

no.

THE MOM HAS NOT SAID ONE WORD. CORRECTION: HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO SAY ONE WORD.

The mom describes Emily to the camera: “She’s young. She’s excited.”

Emily is alone with Ben’s dad now. She said she loves to watch movies. Would do that all day if she could. alright then.

This would be so awkward. FOR ANYONE. I honestly think she’s doing well considering how weird this is. Like she is speed dating his parents. And she’s making light of it. That’s all she can do. help.

Ben is alone with his mom and she starts crying, so clearly the date is going well.

The dates over. Emily doesn’t get the hint that the parents don’t like her. Like she’s “overwhelmed with happiness” because “he could have picked anyone” and “this is just the beginning” so help.

two seconds later.

“I don’t think I can see you being my wife.” -Ben, to Emily.

This is happening at the house, outside, where the other girls are watching through the window. This. Is. Normal. Not. Staged.

butlikewowthatsux

“Is she sad right now?” -girls through the window. lol.

IT’S LIKE DAYLIGHT OUTSIDE. BROAD ASS DAYLIGHT.

Emily goes inside, Ben boats away into the sunset. She tells the girls what happened and she cries, and they all basically just bond over having long hair and dating the same guy.

They comfort her. Some of them even cry with her. So like.

“What do you say to her at that point?? Man, he’s a dick!!!” -Lane #boyfriendswhowatchthebachelor

Rose ceremony

Ben and Chris Harrison sit on the stairs. He’s more stressed than usual. Man PMS is real. 4 girls without roses, 3 roses.

Roses:

• Lauren
• Jojo
• Caila

BECCA. WAS. CUT. 

no.

no.

no.

no.

she’s angry. she won’t hold his hand. she asks “Why did you do that?” Somehow that question stings. No one ever asks that.

They’re sitting on a bench and he’s trying to explain that it’s best he cut her now before families get involved. BUT YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T BLINDSIDE HER?? AMERICA???

I CALL IT NOW THAT HE REGRETS CUTTING HER AND BRINGS HER BACK. CALLING IT.

lane is making homemade kind bars right now how kewt is he

Ben is sitting on the bench with his head in his hands HE IS JUST AS UPSET IF NOT MORE UPSET THAN BECCA.

PREVIEWS: 

LAUREN B.’S MOM LOOKS LIKE ALL OF US, LIKE JUST ANOTHER 24 UR OLD WHITE GIRL, JOJO’S BROTHER (DAD?) IS YELLING AT BEN, SHE’S CRYING, BEN IS CRYING, OMG, AND I’M HALF WAY SCARED THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.

THOUGHTS ON BECCA:

Becca may have gotten cut but she did this whole thing right. Mr. Unloveable gave roses to girls who were openly obsessed with him, and Becca just wanted to be pursed. She’s not doing the man’s job. AND NONE OF US SHOULD SHOULD. THERE IS A BIBLE VERSE FOR THIS SOMEWHERE.