The Bachelor Ben Higgins Episode 9: I love you too. And you. andyou.

Leap Day 2016: The day the impossible happened. The day Ben Higgins fell in love with everyone and we fell out of love with him. Let’s see who can wear the least clothes and be the most vulnerable and I don’t mean at the same time.

Jamaica.

In a weird 3 minute sequence of events, we learn that Ben tells two girls the L word tonight, we see flashes of him groveling in despair, then him talking about being grateful for 3 amazing girls right before giving us an overview of each one.

ok.

Caila: He’s never been around someone as beautiful or joyous as Caila, but she is too bubbly and smiles a lot, so he’s worried she’s stupid and shallow, and that she won’t fall in love with him. Kay.

I wish I knew what nationality/ethnicity/race/whatever the politically correct word is that would describe Caila. I’m sorry.

Lauren: Ben said she was the closest thing to love at first sight *cue olivia somewhere rolling her eyes and/or stabbing a voodoo doll and murmuring about first impression roses* but he’s holding back from her, and she from him, so he doesn’t know what to do with his hands.

Jojo: Instantly connected to her and her horse head, feels the most confident and like himself around her, so in reality, where is the competition after a phrase like that I mean.

First date: Caila

Luckily, Caila and her all-nationality hair has defied all means of science and humidity and is able to maintain a frizz-free, sweat-crimp-free hairstyle as a local steers her and Ben with a stick through a creek in the jungle.

They have small talk about anxiety while sipping coconuts through straws, so this is the most American tourist thing I’ve ever seen.

Unrelated entirely: How does it work when these girls PMS on this show? Do they tell Ben they’re moody and pissed off and there’s nothing he can do to escape their wrath? Do they hide it and actually wear pants? Does Chris Harrison buy the tampons? I have questions.

Date night with Caila

Ben comments that “today wasn’t what he expected” probably bc they didn’t just make out the whole day and that “he’s nervous about tonight” because now he’s forced to listen to her get deep and confusing and VuLnErAbLe.

Caila always looks the exact same with different clothes. Same hair, face, make up, hair, face, hair. How does she do that. And why.

She begins to speak. Piano music chimes in. Fire torches and the ocean flickers in the background. She tells him she’s in love with him after maybe 2 whole minutes of speech. He kisses her. I.E., he hasn’t said it back, and they’re still making out. but don’t worry, because Caila “can feel it in his breath that he feels the same.”

oh can u. that’s interesting.

I guess I’m confused why everything is normal rn bc he still hasn’t said it and he invited her to the fantasy suite and obviously she said yes because you don’t just walk around as half naked as she does and not say yes.

Now they’re reenacting Twilight Scenes as they frolic in the ocean at night outside their private cabin.

Then we see them making out on the bed and she’s in a swimsuit and I’m eating popcorn and carrot cake and suddenly feel mild to moderately insecure help.

Morning after with Caila

Good morning, Jamaica. Caila, AGAIN, looks the exact same she always does. Same make up (? no make up ?), same hair, SAME FREAKING SMILE. Ben asks her if she always looks like this and yet fails to ask if she’s a robot.

Second date: Lauren B.

can we just call her lauren yet.

NOTHING LIKE ROLLING OUT OF BED WITH ONE GIRL AND STARTING THE DAY WITH ANOTHER. LAH TEE DAH, BEN HIGGINS, LAH TEE DAH.

“Lauren has so many qualities that I want long-term. She just has this authenticity to her.” -Ben

so Lauren is a marketing plan.

They’re on a beach and a guide is showing them how to save baby sea turtles. I apologize for what I’m about to say, but I think I’m grossed out right now. I’m sorry.

Lauren tries to draw this comparison to the turtles starting their first day in the world to her and Ben starting their relationship and it’s just like, no. stop. don’t. nope.

Now they’re sitting on the sand and Ben tells her how he cried talking to her family, when her family said, “Lauren could have anyone she wants, what makes you special?” which brings me to the soapbox of how strong of an influence friends and family can have over your feelings about who you’re dating. did that make sense. The power of talking someone up is real. bye.

They make out in the ocean. Didn’t see that coming. Shocked.

Date night with Lauren B.

Lauren is wearing a peach two piece outfit that is two sizes too small, even for her zygote-ass body.

Ben starts out the date by doing something I can’t stand, something none of us can stand, and that is fishing for compliments, and asking questions you know will lead to flattering answers.

DEAR BEN,

YES, SHE WAS NERVOUS LEADING UP TO TODAY. YES, SHE’S ANXIOUS ABOUT WHERE YOU STAND WITH THE OTHER GIRLS. YES, SHE PICTURES A LIFE WITH YOU.

CORDIALLY, FEMALES EVERYWHERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US. WHERE IS THE EMO SONG FOR THIS. FEELINGS. 

Lauren B. tells him he’s the man of her dreams, blissfully unaware of the reality that he’s the man of everyone’s dreams.

He gives her the fantasy suite invitation from Chris Harrison.

Ok EITHER CHRIS HARRISON’S HANDWRITING IS RLY GIRLY OR THERE IS A FEMALE INTERN SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE.

ugh, she accepts it, what are morals, what is patience, what is mental stability and self worth

We’re all in the suite together, and Lauren tells Ben she’s in L word. HE TELLS HER HE HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER “FOR A WHILE” OH MY GOD NOW THEY’RE JUST REPEATING IT AND GIGGLING HAPPY LEAP DAY I’M FINE ugh. like i knew this was coming and i’m still mad.

Morning after with Lauren B.

They’re at Sandals. Lol. We see clothes strewn about the floor. He brings her breakfast in bed. Caila only got coffee. So he rly is in love with Lauren.

She has an ugly high bun in her hair so that’s refreshing god bless.

They sit by the pool and stare at each other and say I love you again. She says “Ben is my person” and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain that phrase to Lane because apparently he doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy idk.

Ben kissed her goodbye because LA LA LA TIME TO DATE JOJO WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Final date: Jojo

They run and jump and she straddles him, welcome to Jamaica. She’s wearing short shorts and a plunging neckline halter top. A helicopter appears. Shocking.

They fly to this insane waterfall jungle magic land. They held hands and jumped into a mysterious body of water. Because why not. This is The Bachelor and everything is real.

She tells him she loves him, and it’s hard for her, because she’s never said it first, etc., feelings. Then what happens next actually makes me get heartburn: he says it back. And it’s not even that he said it back. IT’S THAT HE SAID IT BACK SO NATURALLY AND CALMLY. Like no hesitation. Like the ultimately genuine response.

WHICH IS WEIRD ISN’T IT CONSIDERING LAUREN B. AND ALL JUST THAT. 

Then Ben rants to the camera about how he doesn’t know how it’s possible to be in love with two women and that he wishes there was some guide or manual to help him.

HMM, FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT, BEN. IT’S CALLED THE BIBLE. IT’S CALLED YOU HAVE IT TATTOOED ON YOUR ACTUAL SKIN. TRY THAT. 

Date night with Jojo

She’s wearing a patterned maxi dress and it’s just like you can do better. She goes on and on about how shocked she is that he said he loved her too. JUST WAIT TIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT ELSE HE’S SAID LATELY, JO. 

They talk about last week’s awkward family meeting.

I just blacked out I was so bored listening to the rest of their conversation. Ben hands her the girly handwritten invite to the FaNtAsY SuItE from Chris Harrison, and obviously she says yes, which makes this Ben’s 3rd FS night in a row, let’s kill him.

but will he make her breakfast????????????????????????????????

how many swimsuits does jojo own honestly. they’re popping champagne in the hot tub.

And again, we see Ben making out with a woman on a bed. Shocking.

Morning after with Jojo

……………..and Caila???????????

Jojo says she felt the best she’s ever felt waking up this morning. wegetit.

They talk about feelings. Doesn’t that get old after a while. We get it you love him what else can we talk about ok.

Ben leaves, off to God knows where to contemplate the grave he dug for himself, wearing the shortest shorts a straight man has ever worn.

ok we see that Caila is up to something, and that something is sneaking up on Ben and surprising him because “she just misses the man she’s in love with” so what’s a girl to do. She’s wearing a bra and a skirt because what is dress code when there’s a body of water nearby.

this is not good.

Oh shit.

She covers his eyes from behind, kisses him, and he does everything he can to hide is WTF face.

GIVE THE MAN SOME ALONE TIME, HE’S BEEN BACK-TO-BACK DATING AND PROBABLY HASN’T POOPED IN LIKE 3 DAYS HE PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL ANYMORE, HE ONLY KNOWS GIRLS AND FEELINGS AND BEING VULNERABLE.

They sit on a random staircase outside near the ocean. He begins to tell her he’s not in love with her,

JUST YOUR BODY, CAILA.

I feel like she’s wearing eyelash extensions.

He says he’s going to miss her. O R U. She handled it well. She got choked up but was kind to him. which is so annoying. BE IMMATURE AND UNNECESSARILY RUDE, HE JUST DUMPED YOU WHILE YOU’RE TOPLESS, IT’S FINE YOU’RE FINE.

omg

she was in the car and it was driving off and she said wait and jumped out and now she’s interrogating him

THATTA GIRL

he assures her that he didn’t plan on breaking up with her before the Suite, that he didn’t know what would happen, and that all the girls are in love with him. and that he’l miss her. and then she’s calm and they hug and like wut and like stop.

She is sooooooooooo upset. Crying in the car and not giving a damn about the ugly-cry face. This is sad. this is emotional. This is the face of saying yes to the fantasy suite before commitment.

But Ben is also upset. But who cares bc he has two other girlfriends.

Caila keeps cry-whispering “I thought this was it, I still love him, I didn’t see this coming” so like please stab me in the heart with a knife and twist it bc sad.

I’m legitimately terrified of The Family commercials.

The Rose Ceremony Or Something I’m Honestly Not Sure

Now it’s a new day and I don’t really know what’s happening. Ben says he has two true loves and he’s basically just confused.

Yeah well, I BOUGHT A HAIR WAND THIS WEEK AND LITERALLY CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE IT SO I HAVE LITERALLY NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU BEN. GET A LOB FIRST, BEN, AND THEN COME TALK TO ME ABOUT CONFUSION.

Chris and Jojo chat. Jojo reveals she and Ben are in love.

Chris and Lauren chat. Lauren reveals she and Ben are in love.

this face. this knowing face.

Ben appears, shirt untucked. Wherever they are is like insanely beautiful and scenic.

I’m confused why we’re having a ceremony, they both know they’re getting roses, but wow, okay, we’re doing this, we’re really going through with the ceremony, okay.

So Caila left and Jojo and Lauren B both got roses if that’s not clear yet. 

They both hug him and they’re both happy and he’s happy and they’re hugging and they cheers champagne and it’s like…..??????

so scared of the finale coming in two weeks okay goodnight happy leap year.

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