(it’s funny because i’m not going to write a part II, we all remember Christmas 2K14.)
Please bear with me as I recount my 3 nights, 3 days out of my week at home in the Land of Enchantment thus far.
Quick catch up: I entered the “real world” when I was 22 and until that very year, I had no idea how stupid I was at movies. Apparently I haven’t seen any movie that’s ever existed. I only know this because my coworkers constantly quote movies and I can’t keep up, even though I pretend to.
I won’t say they’ve created a Google Doc of movies I need to see, but I won’t say they haven’t.
But one of the few movies my parents DID raise me on was It’s a Wonderful Life. And I love it. I watched this movie the other night for the first time since, oh, the nineties. And so I obviously had some new realizations about it. Here they are.
1. Wait, do ears really bleed like that?
Remember when young George Bailey gets bitch-slapped? And his ear gushed? It kind of scarred me for life, but I’m fine. I now realize that he saved the old man’s business. Great.
I mainly took this opportunity to point out that my pierced ears bleed every time I wear earrings because it’s clear I was created for expensive metals. Someone spoil me. Anyone.
2. Everything is war between blondes vs. brunettes
Here’s a movie plot for you:
All guys want the blonde. Blonde wants the main guy. Brunette wants the main guy. Main guy wants the brunette.
Did I just describe It’s a Wonderful Life or Mean Girls idk.
While both of them definitely majored in M.R.S., Violet definitely minored in Sass. Mary probably minored in Home-ec.
Life takeaway: Brunettes make better wives but blondes are more fun? Would George have swiped left on Violet if he was dating in 2014? Because I srsly doubt it. He would have taken her to a bad date at the Gingerman like the rest of us.
3. Every good couple apparently has a song
And when you’re singing your song with your boo thang, having the best time of your life, that’s when one of your parents die. It’s a wonderful life.
4. The actual worst possible thing in the entire world ever is that you could end up an “OLD MAID”
The old maid scene is actually what inspired this blog. Clarence is showing George what his life would have been like if he was never born. After Clarence went through every person in the movie, George fearfully asked what became of his wife, Mary. Clarence was hesitant. He tried to avoid it. He couldn’t bear to say it. G got violent and finally forced it out of C.
Exact words from the movie:
George Bailey: Where’s Mary? If this is all real and I was never born, what became of Mary?
Clarence: [hesitates] Well… I don’t… I can’t…
George Bailey: [grabs Clarence by his collar] Look, I don’t know how you know these things, but if you know where my wife is, you’ll tell me.
Clarence: I… I’m not supposed to tell.
George Bailey: Please, Clarence, where’s my wife? Tell me where my wife is.
Clarence: You’re not going to like it, George.
George Bailey: Where is she? What happened to her?
Clarence: She became an old maid. She never married…
George Bailey: [desperate] Where is she? WHERE IS SHE?
Clarence: She’s… she’s just about to close up the library!
[George throws Clarence to the ground and runs off]
WHERE IS SHE HE SAYS
THE LIBRARY, GEORGE, GET A GRIP. BUT OH NO, HER “OLD MAID” OCCUPATION GOT THE WORST REACTION OUT OF BOTH GEORGE AND CLARENCE. FORGET THAT THE PHARMACIST WAS SENT TO PRISON FOR 20 YEARS FOR POISONING SOMEONE, I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME IN PRISON, NBD. FORGET THAT VIOLET BECAME A FREAKING PROSTITUTE. SCREW THE UNCLE FOR CHECKING INTO AN INSANE ASYLYM. THE REAL TRAGEDY IS THAT A WHITE FEMALE IN AMERICA DIDN’T MARRY, AND, GASP, HELD DOWN A JOB. OK. IT’S FINE.
This part never struck me as disturbing when I watched it as a wee human. My frontal lobe had to develop and be single before I could understand how literally insane this idea is.
ok i think my rant is over. maybe. idk. breathing.
5. ANGELS ARE REAL THO
When I was little I would watch this, and like everything my little human brain saw, I assumed it was real, including the existence of angels. Well now that I’ve grown up and wised up a little I believe that angels are real. still.
SO I’M STILL 5 OR WHATEVER. read:
Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.
Hebrews 13: 1-3
AND what’s fun and weird and blog-worthy is that I read that verse the night before finding It’s a Wonderful Life on TV right when it started #HASHTAGFATEANDSTUFF
As great as this movie is, and as much as I love the scene when the entire town gives George money, I actually cried more the other day in the episode of The Office when Michael proposed to Holly ok bye.
One of my favorite feelings in the world is finding the PERFECT birthday or holiday card for someone. But sometimes you don’t get that feeling. Sometimes there is no card that represents your relationship or feelings for the card receiver. And sometimes you have to blog about what holiday cards should exist to feel better about it.
To your favorite group text conversation friends
At any given moment I will be in 872 group conversations. It’s hard. But necessary.
Merry Christmas, O spirit of the omni-present group text conversation. You are with me through good and bad. You’re with me on phone and desktop. You are with me even when I’m already eating at a restaurant with my friends and we text each other at the table. May the red notifications blend cheerily with the green messages app.
To your best guy friend that puts up with everything and gets nothing in return
Most of my best friends are guys and their suffering is real.
Have a holly jolly Christmas, dear friend with no benefits. I won’t put a present under your tree because we’re both too poor to buy each other gifts, but by the way, I need you to mount my new TV on my wall because if i knew how to use a stud finder, i probably wouldn’t be single hanging out with you as much as i do bye.
To your old college friend who you run into at the bars whose name you don’t remember
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Best wishes to you, you once Lubbockite, now Dallasite you, or maybe you haven’t graduated yet, I’m not sure, maybe you’re from here and visiting for the weekend, I’m not sure, you oh you, I wish the best of seasons to… you.
To your ex-boyfriends
KIDDING LOL kind of.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS I’M MORE FLAWLESS THAN EVER BYE.
To you uber driver
I owe my life to so many of you.
Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukah, actually IDK what you believe, thank you for serving, Go Cowboy’s, give me a discount, do you have an iPhone 5 charger, and a Happy New Year, speaking of which, are you working that night.
To someone you’re trying to friendzone
This actually once happened to me. The guy I had been talking to for months didn’t get me a card “because he couldn’t find one that described us.” well THEY DON’T MAKE HALF-ASS DATING VALENTINES CARDS I’M SORRY. Why don’t they make friendzone cards.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas, from an arm’s length distance, may you attend many parties, with people your age, and a Happy New year, where we won’t be hanging out together.
To your parent’s bosses
I had like 8 thousand million hospital bills this year and I was not going to survive them alone. To the source of my parent’s income, I thank you.
We wish you a Merry Christmas, from me my parents, and all the dogs, we wish you a merry christmas, ur the reason i eat when i go home, and i take food very srsly, and a happy new year etc
This post is originally from my old blog, Fashion Food Frivolity. I’m repurposing it for this new blog because I think I’m hilarious.
It’s 5:01 P.M.
Your coworker/roommate comes up to you.
Talks you into going to a boutique.
You had plans to work out and cook a healthy dinner.
And read a book series that was cool five years ago.
But you’re easily persuaded into spending money you don’t have on clothes you don’t need.
You drive to the boutique, solely to be support and not buy anything.
You try on 18 dresses.
Everything makes you look like a hampster in a prom dress.
You try on the boring white sequin dress.
This dress says I’m twenty something and I’m going to a Christmas party.
You try on the hot pink dress.
This dress just says I’m twenty something.
You just need a dress that says I’m young, sophisticated, sort of, but mature, but still enjoy spongebob, but can keep that on the DL, unless someone else admits it, which is usually a guy, and by the way I’m single, but not like desperately single, just casually single, but not needy, unless I like you, these sequins are not trying hard right?
But they are. The sequins definitely are trying hard.
Sequins scream, it’s the holidays! I’m a white girl!
And then the sales associate breaks the news: “Everything in the store is 20% off in 30 minutes.”
“DONE AND DONE,” you exclaim to your roommate. And the whole boutique.
Or do I want this dress?
Now comes the self doubt and indecisiveness.
If everything is 20% off, now you need to see everything.
You try on seventy nine more dresses.
There is a line of annoyed twenty somethings and moms that think they’re twenty something wearing smaller sizes than you behind you.
Waiting on you to finish trying clothes on.
The store is playing really stressful, fast Christmas music.
Do I like the clothes or am I just trying to get away from “Santa Clause Is Coming to Town–the remix”
The sales associate says she LOVES you in that dress.
Of course you do.
Then your roommate brings you the “Tuxedo dress.”
You think YES.
You try it on.
It’s everything you could never want in an office Christmas party dress.
Politely, you ask the associate, “Hi how the hell do I wear this.”
“Oh, the owner of the store has it on, she’s right over there.”
The owner of the store is a Victoria’s Secret model.
The music gets louder.
SANTA CLAUSE IS COMING TO TOWN AND YOU WILL NEVER LOOK LIKE THAT IN A TUXEDO DRESS.
You don’t want to buy the sequin dress but you don’t want to wear what you own.
[insert scene of Maude Apatow in the closet screaming expletives at her clothes, which has apparently been deleted off of the internet because I can’t find it]
You try on the burgundy maxi dress that you die for.
You’re not Rachel Zoe.
It won’t make sense at the office party.
Sequin holiday dress it is.
You still want the tux dress.
Maybe it can be your plus one.
You buy two jackets.
Everyhing is like a thousand percent off.
You still spend over a hundred dollars.
It’s okay you tell yourself.
It’s like a Christmas present to myself from myself you tell yourself.
You get a free gluten free cookie from the sales associate before going to the register.
Except it’s not free.
You’ve been to this boutique at least twice just this month alone.
You more than paid for that freaking gluten free cookie.
You exit the store.
A guy is walking in as you’re walking out.
Your car is right in front of the store door.
He comments on how bad you parked.
You drive home.
It’s now 7 P.M.
Enjoy your sequin dress.
And everyone else’s.