Disclaimer: This is not Sassy. I know, I’m as upset as you are. I’ll try to be as funny as her, but I will most likely fail. Also, if this recap reads like her, it’s just because I can’t write a Bachelor recap without writing like Sassy. Sorry.
It starts out in Orange County and Ben is in capri pants with his Jesus bracelet thinking and talking about his ladies.
“It’s going to be an awesome week.” This is probably foreshadowing because it’s probably going to be horrible and I’m excited. Let’s do this. Let’s go. I’m ready.
First hometown date: Amanda in Orange County
Ben and Teen Mom Amanda are running toward each other and he picked her up and I hate them I think.
“She’s so sweet. She’s beautiful.” So is a dog. Congrats, Amanda.
Ben is going to meet her kids, so we will find out how much he actually wants to be a father and what if the kids are ugly, does that affect his decision.
Amanda is wearing pink lip gloss and eyelash extensions and she’s pretty but I still can’t.
The kids are coming and Amanda sounds like a dog when its owner comes home after a long day. She’s like whimpering and it’s sweet I guess. I don’t know. I hate this show.
Ben’s shorts are short and I’m into it.
Amanda has a diaper bag (??) that says Kitson LA and like I remember my Paris Hilton phase.
Ben is playing with the two little girls on the beach and honestly it’s too much, no man should be this attractive or perfect or wonderful and it’s fine, everyone is fine.
“They would make a cute fucking family and I’m disgusted.” -my roommate
Amanda and her kids are so painfully boring I just stopped watching to eat bagel bites. Has Amanda ever told a joke in her life.
Now Amanda and Ben and the kids are in the car and a baby is crying. They are going straight to Amanda’s family’s home from the beach and for some reason Ben got to change out of his shorts, but Amanda is still in her cutoff jean shorts and honestly it’s hard to watch.
Powering through. Thankful for your good vibes.
“Amanda looks happy and excited.” -Amanda’s dad. Because of Ben or because she’s seeing her kids for the first time in forever??????? Like?????
Amanda’s mom looks nothing like Amanda and I’m confused.
Amanda’s mom and Ben are talking and Ben says he wasn’t thinking about becoming an Instant Dad when he signed on to be the Bachelor. But once he met Amanda, he was like ok, and Amanda’s mom is nodding. That’s sweet. But like I remember the first time I lied to a parent of a potential fiance. Amanda’s mom is a little hesitant about Ben I feel, but Ben is hot, so it’s fine. She’s fine.
“I think you guys know how guarded I am.” -Amanda says to her mother. Does any “guarded” person go on national television to make out with a stranger???????
Amanda is now crying because she was embarrassed about her divorce. I don’t know what’s happening. I’m bored.
Ben is sitting down with Amanda’s dad and Ben just sighed, so he’s having fun. He is so not into it like can Amanda not see that he’s not into it. I didn’t think anyone could get more boring than Amanda and then I met her parents.
Now Ben is reading a bedtime story to the girls and the story is about Ben and Amanda and their love story, so lol, go ahead and get your hopes up, girls, you’re about to get a new daddy, but wait, he’s also dating three other women who aren’t your mommy and your mommy may or may not see this man ever again. Goodnight, little girls, and god bless.
Second hometown date: Lauren B. in Portland
We are in Portland and this city shaped and made Lauren B. whatever that means.
“I am already in love with Ben.” Cool. So am I.
“Ben just makes me so happy.” Cool. Me too.
Lauren B. wants to show him around downtown Portland and do normal boyfriend/girlfriend things, so they’re eating out of food trucks and I don’t think Ben has ever experienced a food truck before, so prayers for him. For some reason, unknown to God and everyone, Ben begins feeding Lauren B. a sandwich and honestly, does he know Lauren B. isn’t one of Amanda’s daughters? Like he doesn’t need to feed her? Lauren B. is a grown woman? Like? Help? Anyone?
Now, somehow, they stumble into a whiskey library (???) and Lauren B. describes it as romantic, so like, lol, whiskey goggles are a real thing, I remember college, it was great. Maybe try dating without alcohol?
Ben has flowers and wine for Lauren B.’s family and I swear on my life the flowers are bigger than what he had for Amanda’s family and I’m not sure he had wine for Amanda’s family, so really, Amanda, go home already. He clearly hates you and your kids.
I’m into Lauren B.’s brother, Bryant. He’s a lil gay.
DID SHE JUST SAY HER DOG IS 18??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? OR AM I HEARING THINGS?????????????????????
Molly, Lauren B.’s sister, stole Ben away and she’s wearing a crop top and she’s smiling at Ben and lol I remember the first time I tried to steal my sister’s boyfriend.
Molly goes on and on about how Lauren B. is an eligible bachelorette and then she asks Ben what he likes about her and he starts crying because he feels so lucky. He can’t get any words out. He’s just crying. It’s hot. I’m into it.
“I feel like Ben is like my person.” -Lauren B. to her sister. No, so do I, Lauren. He’s my person, too.
And now Lauren B. is crying because she was meant to meet Ben. I’m tired.
Now, Ben and the dad are talking and the dad looks so much like Lauren B. it’s actually scary. Is Lauren B.’s dad a preacher??? I’m getting a preacher vibe from him.
The date ends and they make out. I’m bored.
Third hometown date: Caila in Hudson, Ohio
“Caila challenges me because she’s real.” Wut. You mean she can form sentences? You mean she’s read a book besides The Notebook?
She’s showing him her high school and it’s beautiful like it literally looks like a college campus and I’m confused. She said that high school made her as a person, so sucks to peak in high school. Sorry bout you, Caila. Now they are sitting on a bench outside of the high school making out and I can’t.
“I can see a future with Ben.” -Caila. Me too.
Wait, I missed something. I was thinking about something else and now they are in some building designing a toy house??? I’m in pain???? I’m in hell???? I hate arts and crafts???? Caila is like the epitome of a kindergarten teacher and I hate her for it???? Help????
Now they are in a toy factory and they are actually going to build the toy house and they are wearing hard hats and Ben just said it’s one of the coolest things he’s ever done, so literally, anything impresses this man. Can’t wait for his honeymoon at Seaworld where he can talk about how cool it is when the dolphin swims and splashes the water.
I hate Caila I think.
Now we are at the home and I swear Ben did not bring her mom any flowers or wine. Unless I missed it.
Now Caila’s mom is talking about being Filipino and how they eat and blah blah blah culture. Let’s get to the real culture: making out on TV.
Now Caila’s dad is talking about microwave fame (???) and then he asked Ben what it’s like to meet four sets of parents and Caila is offended because she forgot she was on a TV show and wasn’t Ben’s only girlfriend. lol. sux.
My service just went out. Hope Ben didn’t take off his shirt and I missed it. Hope Caila didn’t tell a joke and I missed it. Hope this show wasn’t not the worst show on television and I missed it.
“She’s just super joyful and cute and bubbly.” -Ben about Caila. So is a dog.
“You guys seem happy. You’re holding hands and all that. But what’s in your heart?” -Caila’s dad. Is he a preacher??? I’m getting a preacher vibe from him??? What’s in your heart???
“He can’t tell me how he’s feeling.” -Caila. I love this line because the women of the Bachelor always think this is a rule, but it’s really not. The Bachelor can say anything he wants and if he really loves you, he’ll say it. But, like, he’s not saying it probably because he’s not into you.
Caila is now crying because she loves him. Me too.
“Everything I know about him feels like, ‘This is what I’ve been looking for my entire life.'” Me too.
Caila’s dad just dropped the “what we’ve been praying for” bombshell. He’s a preacher.
“Does she know her dad is gay? Look at his pants.” -my roommate, so.
Caila is still crying because other women are always falling in love with him. Including me.
Caila just asked her mom if she thinks Ben is in love with Caila and her mom said yes and now Caila thinks that’s like a solid answer??????????????
She keeps talking about how she wants to say ‘I love you’ to Ben but then she doesn’t because she’s scared. Falling in love is scary. Blah.
Caila wears me out.
Fourth hometown date: JoJo in Dallas
We are in Dallas and JoJo walks up to her apartment door to find a dozen roses and a letter, so of course, everyone assumes it’s from Ben. BUT PLOT TWIST.
She starts to read the letter and then she realizes it’s not from Ben, but INSTEAD IT’S FROM HER EX BOYFRIEND. LOLOLOLOL R U LAUGHING YET START LAUGHING THIS IS FUNNY.
She like throws the letter and starts cussing and now she’s crying and I don’t really get it. Like, your ex-boyfriend wants you back. Your dad isn’t going to war, calm down. It’s fine.
Because she’s so mad, she calls him????? This seems weird?????? If you’re that mad and that in love with Ben, why are you calling him?????
“I’m assuming you read my letter.” -Chad, her ex, on the other line.
“I now know what love is.” -Chad
“I love you so much.” -Chad
“I don’t want to lose you.” -Chad
“If you’re done with me, tell me right now.” -Chad
This seems fake and I don’t believe this. I’m sorry. A word from ICE Daddy:
Now Ben is at the door and JoJo is wiping away her tears. She’s crying in his arms.
Now she’s explaining everything to him. And Ben looks concerned. He’s hot when he’s concerned. His eyebrows get closer together and I’m into it.
“I feel very uncomfortable with this.” -Ben. Me too.
“I’m just the happiest I’ve ever been.” -JOJO SAYS WHILE CRYING TO CONVINCE BEN THAT SHE DOESN’T LOVE HER EX-BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. YOU ARE CONVINCING ME AND AMERICA AND BEN AND GOD. NOT.
They resolved everything because Ben is perfect. He’s so perfect. He’s a perfect
Now we are going to meet the parents and OMG HER HOUSE IS HUGE WHERE DOES SHE LIVE.
“My family is a very loving family.” lol. foreshadowing. i c u, bach producers.
I’m choosing not to say anything about JoJo’s mother, so please send me a Nobel Peace Prize because I deserve one.
“We’re really, really attached to Joelle.” -JoJo’s brother, who I will refer to as The Hot One, who was on Ready for Love, another reality dating show, so I also love attention. He’s hot so I’m not super mad but like attn is fun.
Now Ben and the brothers, The Hot One and The Less Hot One, are sitting down and talking and the brothers aren’t buying anything. Ben and The Hot One are staring at each other and it’s like a hot guy standoff. I’m into it.
JoJo and her mom are talking now and JoJo is scared bc she’s falling in love with Ben. Me too. She’s crying.
“You’re not going to get hurt. You’re beautiful.” -JoJo’s mom
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I love moms.
“I don’t want to make a ton of promises today.” -Ben to JoJo’s dad. God. Can you imagine hearing that as a dad.
The Less Hot One is laying it down because JoJo has only been one two dates with Ben.
The Hot One points out a really important thing and says that JoJo can’t stop talking about how awesome Ben is and it’s important to remember that she’s on the same level as Ben. I like that a lot. None of these women seem to remember that they are also catches and Ben should pursue them just as much as they are chasing after him. </rant>
Now The Less Hot One says Ben isn’t as emotionally invested in her as she is in him and wow I wish I had a brother to slap me in the face about when men aren’t into me.
The Less Hot One is calling him out for brainwashing the girls and Ben is so taken aback and THE MOM JUST DRANK STRAIGHT FROM THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE I’M DYING. THIS IS FUNNY. SOMEONE SIGN JOJO’S MOM UP FOR THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS.
Ben is trying to defend himself and saying he doesn’t want to hurt her. This is painful. Ben keeps calling her JoJo and the brothers call her Joelle so maybe they are talking about two different women??? Lol??? I’m funny. Laugh.
The mom is drunk and just put her face in her hands because she’s tired. Me too.
The Less Hot One is going on about how JoJo is more into him than he is into her. I respect his honesty and his face.
The Less Hot One asks Ben if he was coached with his answers. JoJo is nowhere to be seen during any of this, so she’s probably in the bathroom do-doing. JoJo’s sister is also MIA.
Eventually, JoJo shows up and Ben and JoJo leave and the mom watched them from the front door like a scene straight from Mean Girls, like she’s Amy Poehler, like I can’t make this shit up.
“Ben has all the qualities I look for.” -JoJo. Me too.
All of the women love Ben. Me too.
He’s giving a speech about meeting the families. Blah blah blah.
Who gets a rose:
Teen Mom is gone aka Amanda aka Boring Woman but she’s wearing a fab dress so rip. She’s being so nice and I have never been nice during a breakup so I legit don’t understand where these producers find these women. She legit just told Ben she’s going to miss him. I’m mad. Stop thanking him.
Previews for next episode: Everyone loves Ben. Me too.
If you like what you read, head to justpmsing.com. Goodnight and God bless, let go and let god, live laugh love, peace be with you, ok.