And by survived dry January I mean I survived my friends enduring the sober journey. But they had it easy by not drinking — I’M THE SURVIVOR THAT HAD TO DEAL WITH THEM THE WHOLE TIME. I’M THE REAL UNITED STATES TROOPS.
Category Archives: humor
3 Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
Another year, another vow to lose 10 pounds. Or read more. Or learn something. Doesn’t it get overwhelming, imagining the new you, and all the steps you promised you’d take to get there?
Let’s make a promise to ourselves to do something positive — and set realistic resolutions. Here are my top 3 win-win resolutions that you can actually keep in 2016.
1. Lip Injections
The most basic women on The Bachelor Season 20 Ben H.
Hi it’s me. I blog about The Bachelor, missing some episodes because sometimes I have to have a life outside the show, and then blog even more sporadically throughout the rest of the year, not even touching The Bachelorette, because I’m not paid to do this guys.
Home for Christmas 2K15 Pt. I
(it’s funny because i’m not going to write a part II, we all remember Christmas 2K14.)
Please bear with me as I recount my 3 nights, 3 days out of my week at home in the Land of Enchantment thus far.
I have a personal social media strategy
it’s true i know i’m sorry.
Yes, I have a social media strategy. For myself. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Here it is.
I have never seen a movie
(hi. does anyone remember me. this week my blog domain expired and there was about a 32 hour window where itsfineimfine.com was down and millions of people were up in arms about it so i’m back now and my millions i mean one person tweeted me ok)
LET’S TALK ABOUT IRONY AND MY CHILDHOOD.
Filed under humor
This is going to make you uncomfortable
MURDER AT THE NAIL PLACE
But not as uncomfortable as I am right now sitting down in my most comfortable clothes. Why am I uncomfortable? Let’s start with my Tuesday afternoon decision making process.
I got my hair done today
I may look like your every day basic pretentious Dallas millenial, ubering around the Uptown, snapchatting my every move, but that’s only because I am your every day basic pretentious Dallas millenial, ubering around the Uptown, snapchatting my every move.
I got an endoscopy today
Am I an obese middle aged sedentary male? Do I eat candy and spicy food nonstop? My esophagus seems to think so. My esophagus hates me.
Are you okay?
Happy President’s Day, where is your face?
Today, many offices around the United States were shut down in honor of President’s Day. My workplace blessed us with a half-off day, meaning we all had the option to leave at lunch, assuming deadlines were met blahblahblah.
It is on short, client-meetingless days like these that Iike to do this rare, oft-forgotten ritual I like to call “not wear make up.”
I went to work without make up.
I walked into an office building in downtown Dallas without my face.
I entered the place where I spend 90% of my time, surrounded by people who see me the most, sans facial beauty products.
.028 of a second after walking into the office, like I had not even put my purse down, someone saw me and said, “Oh, Augusta. Are you okay?”
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I AM WITHOUT MAKE UP, IT’S NOT LIKE I SHAVED MY HEAD???
Another time when I didn’t wear make up to work, a couple months back, someone asked me if I wasn’t wearing glasses that day.
I DON’T WEAR GLASSES Y’ALL. LOL. LIKE I’M LAUGHING OUT LOUD IN MY MIND REALLY LOUD.
and YOU KNOW WHAT. MY “MAKE UP-LESS” LOOK ACTUALLY INVOLVES MAKE UP. Like, I did not wake up like this. I STILL woke up and put effort into my face, but that’s not enough for the society we live in. And if you read that sentence and took it seriously when I dropped the “society” bomb, stop. This is not an ambitious post about feminism, everyone keep your bras on.
My no-make up make up
And because I can’t think of a worse time to blog about what make up I wear, here is where I include what make up I wear. does anyone care. is this a fashion blog now.
1. I wear fairest shade of Christian Dior foundation, also known as shade 010, because I’m literally the human reincarnation of a delicate flower. 2. I’m a die hard fan of Bobbi Brown’s medium #2 bronzer. It’s everything. 3. I recently threw out my Walgreen’s face powder, switched to big girl powder, and developed a big lesbian crush on Laura Mercier’s french ass powder, including the brush it came with, which by the way, was about the price of in-state college tuition, but it’s fine, I make an entry level salary and I’m a 30K millionaire, and I will have a fucking flawless face. Sorry mom.
4. I also use a light eye brow pencil, and it’s not the brand that’s listed above because I’m a liar. I don’t know what brand my pencil is. But it’s just a pencil, does the brand even matter. JUST DRAW ON YOUR FREAKING EYEBROWS, OKAY? EVERYONE NEEDS IT.
EVERYONE.
Anyways.
I also like to work as fast and furiously as I can on half days, so I can get everything done with in hopes of making it a quarter day. So about an hour later, I’m in deep-focus mode, headphones in hears, tunnel vision to computer, and a coworker stops me to ask if I’m okay. A second person.
HONEST TO GOD. #HTG
To give a little context, I can see why said genuinely nice person asked me if I was okay. My eyes are watery and I’m sniffely/sneezey from God knows what undiagnosed allergies I have. It actually looks like I’ve been sobbing today. Â That, PLUS sans make up, and I’m wearing an oversized sweater, oh, and my hair is in a man bun. Like I’m not a girl, not yet a woman, but I have absolute 23-year-old man bun hair.
Swear to the Father in heaven that this is what I looked like at my work desk today.
Because it’s a holiday in America and God bless our troops and it’s my half day, I’ll freaking man-bun if I want to.
In addition, my voice is hoarse. So it’s not enough for me to just look like a man, I also sound like a man. I really commit myself to half-days. Thnk u 4 reading, I’m going to go enjoy my what’s left of my half day now.
Filed under humor
It's fine I'm fine 