I survived dry January

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And by survived dry January I mean I survived my friends enduring the sober journey. But they had it easy by not drinking — I’M THE SURVIVOR THAT HAD TO DEAL WITH THEM THE WHOLE TIME. I’M THE REAL UNITED STATES TROOPS.

Not all of my friends were doing Dry January. Some were on Advocare’s 24-day challenges or some miscellaneous Beyoncé-inspired cleanses. But the point was that none of them could enjoy Wednesday night marg specials at Desperadoe’s or Saturday morning mimosas so like why live in Dallas. Why be American. why anything.

I can’t wait for them to do compensate-by-binge-drinking-February and let’s-all-lose-weight-together-March.

what are new years resolutions

Anyways.

This is what it’s like being friends with sober people for a month

Girls Night at Desperadoe’s Mexican Restaurant
Six girls and endless margarita specials. What could go wrong. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, ACTUALLY NOTHING BC #DRYJAN. This was in the beginning of the month, when I still had my dignity, so I went into the situation with intentions to not drink because “Not Drinking On Weekdays” is an idea that many people in the workforce subscribe to.

*after arriving/before I’m fully sitting in chair or putting my purse down*

“I’LL GET EXACTLY WHAT SHE’S DRINKING,” pointing to a frozen margarita with salt on the table next to ours. It was one weak moment one time. But it was okay because I knew my friends would get margs to because it’s Wednesday night, baby, and we’re alive.

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EXCEPT EVERYONE IS DEAD IN #DRYJANUARY

no. we were not alive that wednesday night. i cried in my cheese enchiladas.

Brunch at Whiskey Cake
There’s nothing I love more than a spontaneous brunch that begins with “meet me there in 20 mins.” Two friends and I had a wonderful three full minutes of sober, intelligent conversations until the waiter came and basically asked us “how many carafes should I get” because what else do you ask 3 white girls on a Saturday morning, but no. no. I got a SOLE glass of a mimosa.

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me drinking alone at brunch and running for the presidency. 

And then, AND THEN if things couldn’t get any more dangerous than one-mimosa-drinking girl at brunch, MY BLOODY MARY DRINKING BOYFRIEND JOINED. And if there is anything sober, single girls hate more than being sober and single, it’s being sober, single, and with their tipsy-and-in-a-relationship-friend. #DRYJANUARY

please send prayers and edible arrangements and luxury perfumes wait what.

Friday Night at Home
Weekends with sober friends are surprisingly complicated. We considered going to the movies or staying at home and watching movies, and then ran out of ideas. The three of us ended up at my apartment, where Glitter, THE MARIAH CAREY MOVIE, was playing on cable, and I was not changing the channel. #DRYJANUARY.

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i miss 90s mariah

Since we are just as tragic sober as we are drunk, we literally honest-to-god can’t make this sh*t up recorded a “podcast” on an iPhone. And then listened to ourselves.

What is wrong with us.

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im not saying there’s nothing to do if you don’t drink, i’m just saying this photo is an accurate representation of #DRYJANUARY

January 21, 2016
It was a Thursday night. I had squeezed in a half-ass workout between work and dinner. I showed up on time, unshowered, and in my actual work out clothes (I PUT PERFUME ON, I’M DAINTY, IT’S FINE). I was excited to exercise self control this night, KNOWING MY FRIENDS WOULDN’T TARNISH IT IN THEIR SIMILAR LIFE EFFORTS.

nope. BECAUSE PMS HAD ORDERED A MARG!!!!!!!????????????????????

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my genuine reaction when i sat down to the table and learned PMS ordered a bev

Which meant all of us were getting margs, which meant I was going to order two dozen margs, which meant we were hitting uptown that night, which meant we would get bored by 2 am and fly to Vegas, and marry Elvis, give birth, change our names, get matching best friend lip injections, and come back to reality and our day jobs.

January 21, my friends had had enough of #dryjan and I was ready to be a good friend and support them in that decision during their time of need.

God Bless Me.

Please read the other side of this experience, Paige’s journey pursuing Dry January, on justpmsing.com. OH YEAH AND LIKE PMS & IFIF ON FACEBOOK, WE’RE NOT NEEDY.

images via giphy
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