(it’s funny because i’m not going to write a part II, we all remember Christmas 2K14.)
Please bear with me as I recount my 3 nights, 3 days out of my week at home in the Land of Enchantment thus far.
Flying to Roswell is actual hell on earth.
I love flying. Really. I don’t get in-flight/take-off anxiety, and I sure as hell don’t drive for over 3 hours. I’m way too calm sitting next to strangers, going however many miles per hour, in an era of terrorism. It’s alarming and I’m worried about myself, how relaxed I am flying.
However, nothing makes an easy flier queasy quite like flying to Roswell (and reading an article in Cosmo about increasing death rates in labor only in the US but it’s fine and i am fine).
First of all, the planes to Roswell are all from 45 B.C. On this particular trip home, the plane was speeding up to take off, like they do, when the pilot said they had to stop because of problems they can’t troubleshoot. I have idea what tf that means, but we had to switch planes.
WE HAD TO ACTUALLY RE-PACK OUR MAGAZINES INTO OUR CARRY ONS, AND FILE BACK OUT OF THE PLANE AND FILE BACK INTO ANOTHER, IN DFW, AMERICA.
We finally get in the 1980s plane that is literally smaller than a small-to-medium sized family owned business, and endure the turbulence that is flying to Roswell.
(I need to try Boutique airlines. If you’ve done this, I need you to leave a comment and tell me everything. [BA flies Dallas to Carlsbad god bless])
When I landed I jokingly told my mom I needed medication, and she immediately offered me like 4 different anti-anxiety meds, being dead serious. Happy Holidays.
New Mexico currency = bartering chickens and rare stones
My mom has paid with a check at various establishments in Southeastern New Mexico since I’ve been here. I repeat, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE FIRST WORLD COUNTRY THAT IS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICASTILL WRITING AND TEARING CHECKS, AND WITH THAT, PRESUMEDLY BALANCING CHECKBOOKS ok
My mom and I actually had a heated discussion about checks vs debit cards. Her argument: Cards are fraudulent, checks are trustworthy. SHE SAID THAT AND MEANS IT.
HAS SHE NEVER SEEN CATCH ME IF YOU CAN???????? WHICH, BTW MA, IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
My dad has a past and I can’t
My mom was helping with a wedding shower, which meant my father and I were left to our own devices #prayforthedogs. I forget how we got on the topic of prison, but he said, “Want to hear stories of my younger years in Juarez?”
YAYAYAYAY OMG, YES, YAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One sentence later.
nO. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOONONONONOnononono I’M TOO SOBER FOR THIS
“Stories are better when you add a little bit of fiction. But you can’t make this shit up.” -Jeff Neal, telling Juarez stories.
Family time means agreeing on TV shows
Franni Neal has questions about Harry Potter. Do you consider yourself a patient human? Please watch the Sorcerer’s Stone with my mom. It’s one thing to ask questions, but it’s another thing to ask the same question 782 times before Harry has even made it to freaking Hogwarts yet.
Everyone is magical? Why doesn’t he just fly away? Why are they obeying school rules and detention if they’re magical, why don’t they just undo it? They are all magical? THIS IS KILLER CHESS THIS IS BARBARIC!!!! If they have magic, why do they have to play chess, why can’t they just undo it? They all have powers?
Later, I find myself spending an entire Saturday watching Sex and the City. Watching this with parents is weird, because obviously. We all watched this in the kitchen, then I moved to the living room, because obviously. What is family bonding.
They followed me and my dad wouldn’t let me change the channel. I answered 400 questions about Big. So don’t tell me I’ve never served for this country.
The only thing worse than not having a boyfriend is having a boyfriend
My boyfriend is from Chicago and that’s where he is this Christmas. But according to my mother’s gossip circle, he is staring in a rap video in a Vegas VIP club, surrounded by calendar women, helicoptering his pants in the air, saying YOLO WHO IS SASSY NEAL??????
I’m not dramatic at all ok.
And when people aren’t prosecuting you for showing up on Christmas break without ur bf, they are interrogating you with wedding questions. is he going 2 propose, where r u getting married, church, outside, barn, who are your bridesmaids, which season do u want to get married in, what is ur second child’s middle name and birth weight.
DO I HAVE A SECRET WEDDING BOARD ON PINTEREST, YES, ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT OVER RED AND GREEN TORTILLA CHIPS, NO. IM SRY.
my dad is stressing out, really invested, watching SATC season finale Pt I and there is a blizzard headed our way and I don’t know if our house has enough wine to last a blizzard so pls tell your prayer warriors about my situation, thank you.