Advice from a younger me

my mom has often said that no one could make me laugh or crack a smile until i was like 9

my mom has often said that no one could make me laugh or crack a smile until i was like 9. so this is me, full-fledged smiling at 3-years-old in my sunday best.

You know those “Letter to myself at 18,” or “A lesson to a younger me,” articles? Well those are stupid.

Last night, single sober and home for the holidays, I was up late and sifting through my childhood bookshelves. I stumbled upon 3 diaries that I literally have not cracked since before Facebook even existed. I know. Can you even think that far back. I know.

It may be too late for 23-year-old me to go back and advise Mexico-traveling Augusta to not put her hair in cornrows, but it’s ABSOLUTELY NOT too late for 12-year-old Augusta to give me wisdom in my current quarter-life-crisis age. This blog will have direct quotes and/or wise proverbs from multiples diaries from circa 95-2004, and you’re welcome.

Circa 1995: It is absolutely possible to pinpoint the downfall of my generation

ok

ok

See here. I wasn’t coherent enough to write in a language that already exists, but I still gave myself the “You’re #1” sticker. A sign of self-entitlement, narcissism, and overall “A for participation,” also known as, the downfalls of millennials.

Circa ’95: You can predict your own future

art

art

Foreshadowing that I would eventually one day become an amateur calligrapher.

Circa ’99 maybe: If you don’t want someone to read something, write “The art of algebra mathematics” on the front of it

A very convincing imitation of a text book.

F*cking genius.

This entire book is filled with entries, but from GOD ONLY KNOWS what year. I put the dates and the time I wrote in it, but apparently, years were not important to me. The book was published in ’99 so we’ll go with that.

January 2, 1999: It’s not official unless God OR Jesus signs your contract “at any time”

I can only assume I learned what a signed document was from Lucy in "It's the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"

I can only assume I learned what a signed document was from Lucy in “It’s the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown!”

Take notes, peasants.

February 5, 1999: You can’t teach people to be cool

I was "I can't even"-ing before white girls couldn't even.

I was “I can’t even”-ing before white girls couldn’t even.

So don’t even try

Circa 2003: Don’t commit to lockets

violence was the answer here

violence was the answer here

This diary was found like this. The picture is worth a thousand unlocked words.

September 14, 2003: How to play hard to get

dating effing guru

dating effing guru

At the time, it’s evident that “kool” was more in touch with teen-culture than “cool.” I should also note that above this step-by-step survival guide, I had listed the top 10 hottest guys in my class, and Ashton Kutcher was number one. #notinfluencedbymedia

I promised a friend that I would include a picture of me in cornrows in this blog and I literally cannot find a picture and my mom is rushing me to go run errands with her and my life is hard bye

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