My Boyfriend Is Cheating On Me With Fantasy Sports I’m Fine

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i will never understand the meaning of this gif

*me, cooking a meal, like the domesticated real house white girl of Dallas that I am*

“What are you doing, are you still working?”

*Lane, on his 45-screen-monitor-work-from-home set up, in deep focus*

“Researching for tonight.”

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Lane’s one man home office

It’s a Wednesday night in Dallas and Lane has a date.

It’s a Wednesday night in Dallas and Lane has a date with like 89 other guys on a web cam chat. No, I’m sorry, he just corrected me, tonight is “just a chat room,” no video.

It’s a Wednesday night in Dallas and Lane is cybering in a Chat Roulette/cat fish/forum space.

THIS IS THE STORY OF FANTASY SPORTS DRAFTING. THIS IS THE STORY OF LITERALLY WHO IS SHE.

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something tells me this isn’t the sports fantasy they’re talking about

What I Think I Know About My Boyfriend’s Fantasy Life Outside Me

Lane has been preparing for this night for days, possibly weeks. There are spreadsheets with data about God know what baseball fantasy facts. He’s been Googling things. His phone buzzes constantly with ESPN updates, like updates not just on scores but on plays and passes, and not just one sport, but for like 18 different sports across the earth.

“Dang it, I needed him,” -something I think Lane has said when checking ESPN mobile notifications.

That’s weird? -something I think I’ve said to myself afterwards.

Right now a bunch dude-bros are cyber-gathering all around the nation at the same time. Some of these guys know each other, some don’t. It’s basically a cyber bachelor party, except they’re all very sober. This is serious. This may be sports, but it’s no game.

This is Fantasy. It’s real. And you will treat it as such.

There is money involved somehow. So it’s gambling. So it’s illegal. It’s illegal and there are commercials openly advertising the illegal sports gambling. The illuminati is involved. Does Obama have fantasy sports? Does Ben Higgins? Who else is doing this right now?????????????????

There is a timer on his screen literally counting down until it starts. Is this New Years. We all have clocks, why the countdown ok then. Anticipation. Anxiety.

“I keep thinking it’s about to start, it’s making me nervous.” -real-time quote from Lane.

A dinger just sounded. It’s Lane’s turn to play in the fantasy. His turn to do what?????????? 

My best guesses:

  • He’s guessing which players will get injured or married in the upcoming season
  • He’s guessing which players will switch teams for more money
  • He’s arguing with other fans about which team is better
  • He’s making bets about when the Cubs will win the world series.

He just whispered an expletive. What happened?

My best guesses:

  • Someone hurt his feelings
  • His favorite player died
  • He lost the fantasy game and is out $200
  • His excel spreadsheet formula broke

This has already gone on for 1 hour. There’s potentially no end in sight. Lane has said his profession is internet marketing, but I’m 74% he earns all his income by means of being a part of 200 sports fantasy games. The gamble addiction is real.

Hours into the night and he’s still on the date. Sitting in solitude and focus. Soon we will know the results. Did he win? Can someone win? Did he lose money? Did anyone die?

This is fantasy sports. This is the story of who is she. This is the story of I’ll die alone. The end.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “My Boyfriend Is Cheating On Me With Fantasy Sports I’m Fine

  1. Sorry but I found your article because i was geeking out before my fantasy baseball draft. You have a great wit and wonderful writing style. Good news, 13 years ago i married my wonderful wife. It is possible to be a committed husband while still enjoying a little baseball. Good luck to you both.

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  2. Oh no need to apologize!! Thank you so much for reading and for the kind words! Also AWW 13 years! Good to know about the baseball habit heheh, thanks again!

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