And the story of how I had to Google what two lines on a pregnancy test meant.
Before we start story time, a quick check in.
HOW IS EVERYONE??? ARE YOU OKAY??? WHAT IS GOING ON. THIS IS SO WEIRD.
My sister and I text each other every day like, “I can’t believe this is happening. I haven’t wrapped my head around what’s happening.” It’s unbelievable. Like living inside a movie. I hope you are all taking social distancing thing very seriously, staying home as much as possible, and washing your hands.
While I really wanted to frivolously spend $200 on bedroom pillows this month, but that’s a blog post for another day, I ChEcKeD MySeLf and Lane and I are doing what we can to help out our local community during Corona szn instead.
Here are ways to help during the coronavirus pandemic:
- Lane and I are super passionate about helping Watermark Urgent Care locations, which serve people without health insurance, immigrants, low income families, and people with limited resources in general. You can donate items to help patients, made really simple by shopping this Amazon Wish List, or you can drop off items by the church. Other ways to help out Watermark Urgent Care here!
- Here’s a list of North Texas organizations to help. We feel strongly about North Texas Food bank or any organization that specifically helps to feed children who rely heavily on schools for food. I volunteered at OurCalling a few years back and I fully back them as a great resource for homeless people in Dallas.
- Ways to help on a national scale.
Okay, enough saving the planet, back to me.
Friday, August 16, 2019: How I found out I was pregnant
Lane’s dad had just flown in to stay with us and I was excited to host him for a weekend of fun. Brunching, Soul Cycle (yes, Lane’s dad is a cycling man!), fun dinners, sitting by the pool, more eating, the usual things you do when someone comes to visit you in Dallas.
(Are we ready to be a lil TMI? I know most readers are women so period-talk shouldn’t be off limits right? It’s 2020, we’re all woke to female menstruation right?)
As I was getting ready for dinner, it occurred to me I hadn’t gotten a period that month. It was a passing thought, not a real concern or “hunch” to anything. I’ve never had a normal period in my life, I’ve barely had periods at all, the female body is a total mystery to me, I have no idea how anything works.
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED: Oh yeah, I’m not on birth control any more, so this might actually be worth looking into now.
I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but I wanted something to confirm what I already knew, so I could stop worrying about it and drink in peace the whole weekend.
I went off birth control in July because I lost my pack of pills. BUT I WAS RESPONSIBLE ABOUT LOSING MY BIRTH CONTROL. When I lost them, I intentionally told Lane, “I lost my birth control, should I call my gyno and get more STAT, or do we want to play with fire and just SeE WhAt HaPpEnS?~?~?~”
He said the latter, and I agreed, both of us thinking it will take three, six, nine, twelve months to get pregnant. Both of us thinking my body would need time to ~recalibrate~ after being on birth control. Both of us thinking we’re in no rush for a baby, but also happy to welcome one.
So I proceeded to look for that spare, random, God-knows-how-old pregnancy test that we all have floating around in our bathrooms.
As I was searching high and low in our bathroom for a pregnancy test, I found the lost pack of birth control — L.O.L. I proceeded to pee on the stick, truly not thinking anything of it, truly believing there was no way I could possibly be pregnant, and then two lines immediately appeared on the stick.
THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TWO LINES MEANT. Mind you, this was a spare, random, individual pregnancy test from the far corners of my bathroom sink, it did not come with a box or instructions, or a doctor.
So I proceeded to Google, “what does two lines on a pregnancy test mean”
And then I said, oh. Oh. O. I have a vivid memory of just looking at myself blank stare in the mirror.
I have no explanation for why most gifs I resonate with in this moment are men, but.
So I was pregnant. Lane and his dad were in the other room. I was pregnant. I stared in the mirror, looking at my pregnant face, in disbelief, in shock. I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I didn’t laugh. My reaction was almost eerily neutral. A feeling of disbelief mixed with acceptance, contentedness, and peace. It wasn’t an overwhelming feeling, it was a calm feeling.
I didn’t think my initial reaction was weird or abnormal until I saw other people’s reactions on social media. A few bloggers and somewhat distant friends I follow somehow thought to video their reaction in real time the moment they found out and had HUGE reactions: tears, screams, laughs, “ohmygods!”, the works.
It almost made me feel guilty, like, wait am I truly happy? Am I truly grateful? Why didn’t I react this way?
Then I remembered social media comparison is a trap and any which way one reacts is normal for them. I 100% know I was deeply happy and grateful.
After Googling what two lines meant.
That night, when we got in the car to drive to dinner, Lane’s dad made a casual comment about being excited for grandbabies. VERY FUNNY U SHOULD MENTION, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.
Then I had to decide whether I would immediately tell Lane, and also his dad in town, or keep the secret to myself all weekend.
I didn’t really make this an intentional decision to not tell anyone, it was more like, I didn’t know what to do or how to go about it, so I just did nothing. WHICH WAS VERY HARD. I told everyone that weekend I would be the “DD” and that’s why I wasn’t drinking. No one thought anything of this, because actually, we needed a DD, and idk what our game plan was before I got pregnant! I guess Uber!
As the weekend went on, I thought about texting friends, but I decided I wanted Lane to be the first to know, and I wanted to tell him when we were alone.
Sunday August 18, 2019: How I told Lane he was going to be a Zaddy
We dropped Lane’s dad off at the airport and made a stop at Walgreens on the way home for something Lane needed, I can’t remember, but I was determined to buy two more pregnancy tests in secret while there, which I somehow managed to do without Lane knowing, I am a con-artist?
I took both tests when we got home. Both positive.
Then I put a collar and leash on our pug Cookies, taped a small container of sunflower seeds to the end of the leash, and fixated a note on her collar. In true cheesey form, I wrote a letter to Lane from the voice of Cookies, saying how excited she was to add to the family, and that her new pug sister or brother was the size of a sunflower seed.
Lane was laying on our bed when cookies ran to him. He was confused about the leash and collar, like, “What’s this!” I watched him take the sunflower seeds, like ok, then he opened the letter. Once he finished reading, I showed him the three pregnancy tests I was holding behind my back.
His very first response, I did you not, verbatim: “NNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
If you know Lane, I know you can hear him saying this in his voice. Something to know about Lane is, “NO!” is his reaction of sheer shock, not necessarily a negative reaction, if that makes sense. Consider this like more of a, “Get out of town!” as opposed to a, “Oh no, please no,” okay? OKAY.
I just asked Lane for a quote on how he remembers finding out. He said:
“I read the note then had a moment of confusion before realizing what it meant. And then just shock, totally unexpected it could happen so fast. But I was excited about it, right. And like never for a moment doubting that we were ready for it.”
Then he proceeded to start petting Cookies and saying in his Cookies Voice, “This gul is not ready for it though. She says, I’m gonna have to raise this stupid human and train it to give me belly rubs, it’s going to take so much effort.”
Gul is right.
Something that stands out to me from that weekend is how UNGODLY TIRED I was after we went to Soul Cycle as a family (me, Lane, and his Dad! Their first Soul class!!!!!!). I pushed myself in the class, like normal, but did not recover from it, like normal.
I also took note of how I had totally lost interest in wine and my favorite green juice recipe in the week or so leading up to that day. I should have known I was pregnant. Never in my life have I not wanted wine. Should. have. known.
I was about five weeks when I found out I was pregnant.
Fast forward thirty weeks later.
I’m 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow! I have the famous Thirty-six Week Appointment on Monday and I am SO READY to see the bébé on the sonogram machine. We haven’t seen bébé since WEEK 20 when we did the anatomy scan.
I’m most anxious for an estimate of bébé’s size (!!!!!!!!!) and updates on how Corona impacts delivery.
The word on the pregnant street is that women are only allowed one visitor at the day of delivery. I really hope that number doesn’t go down to zero. I cannot bring myself to consider the idea of laboring and delivering without Lane there. So I refuse to, thanks tho!
Thanks everyone 4 reading, I kno u all rely on me for fascinating content, so I am doing what I can, okay, go wash ur hands, bye.
Go check out this article I wrote for Dallas Observer this week! –> What It’s Like to Be 35 Weeks Pregnant During a Global Pandemic
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