Everyone Please Give Me Special Treatment, I Am With Child

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I don’t ask a lot.

Listen. I know how ridiculous I am blogging about being pregnant. I feel absurd. BUT THIS IS WHAT I DO this is who i am, why am i the way that i am.

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I also intend to do it in the most cringeworthy way possible, by interviewing myself with big, bold, pink subheads.

(I actually love reading other bloggers’ FAQ style BuMpDaTeS, so I have no regrets as I type this).

DUE DATE?

April 19. So it will probably be born April 20th!!!!! yay. thanks bob marley.

My birthday is April 12 so maybe we’ll have TWO firey Aries in the house next year!!!!!

HOW FAR ALONG?

18 weeks!!! 19 this Sunday!!!!!! bb is the size of a sweet potato or cucumber or croissant depending on which app you believe!!!!!

WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT?

So early. Five weeks. Which is like the minute you get pregnant basically. It’s like before you even get pregnant. You’re still a virgin at five weeks.

Most people don’t find out until week 8 or even later in some cases. I’m a doctor, you can ask me anything you want to know.

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GENDER REVEAL?

What sounds more fun is a father reveal! I invite all the men who have ever loved me, thousands of them, to one party and we all throw darts at the one who we think impregnanted me. I spelled that wrong and I’m going to leave it because it’s making me giggle.

We are not finding out the gender.

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I know. It’s crazy. Can you believe this is how it used to be for all women in the history of the earth? Up until, what, the 80s? When were sonograms invented? Nurses, chime in, leave a comment.

But basically I’m like the most pre-historic human on the planet by not finding out gender. Pre-historic but have a blog.

BUT THE NURSERY???

I can’t lie. I’m excited by the challenge of decorating a nursery without a gender in mind. InTeRiOr ChAlLeNgE~!~ And as much as I like gray, I refuse to use it as a crutch. Don’t let me do gray. Death before gray.

HERE IS A THOUGHT THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND: is any other room in your house gender specific? Is it possible a nursery can just be another beautiful room in a house where a baby happens to sleep? I want a gold gilded mirror, not a jungle mirror!

Expect to see a room that follows the taste of every other room in our house, but with a crib, I’m thinking black.

BUT CLOTHES!!!?? 

My sister didn’t find out the gender for her third, and that child has MORE pink monogrammed clothes, bags, hats, blankets, toys than I have ever seen in my life. SO I THINK I’LL BE OKAY.

NAMES? 

We have two names picked, one boy one girl. We currently don’t agree on the boy’s middle name. I’ve always heard naming is the hardest part, so I’m surprised it’s been this easy so far. BUT I GUESS STAY TUNED ON THAT BOY’S MIDDLE NAME lol.

I currently refer to the child as “bb” or “April baby” or “it”.

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I AM FATIGUE SURVIVOR

FIRST TRIMESTER

My God, y’all. Women are getting pregnant and experiencing first trimester over and over and we are not doing enough for the moms of the world. There should be multiple Mother’s Days.

Here are some incoherent thoughts and experiences summarizing my first trimester:

  • Everything I used to love eating was suddenly disgusting and I couldn’t even look at it.
  • I would primarily eat soup, crackers, guacamole, mac and cheese, chef boyardee, mcmuffins, nutrigrain bars.
  • I would come home from work, fall on the couch, and die. Working a full time job was incredibly taxing.
  • I was too tired to cook. I have no idea what Lane ate for dinner from August – October.
  • I was too tired to meal plan or grocery shop because truly just thinking about what I would eat in the future would make me feel nauseous.
  • Headaches were weekly, but at varying levels from level “If I don’t move or talk too loud or open my eyes too much, I can function” to level “How can I safely overdose on Tylenol”. Omg. My heart goes out to people who suffer migraines.
  • One time I was driving home from work and just cried. Not because anything bad happened. Just from sheer exhaustion at having to be alive and function in public for 8-9 hours.
  • One time I was sitting in a meeting and I was terrified if I opened my mouth to talk, I would vomit.
  • Fatigue is seriously no freaking joke. WHY ISN’T THERE MORE AWARNESS SURROUNDING FATIGUE. I am a Fatigue Survivor!!!!!!! I need a Fatigue Support Group!!!!!!!!!! No one understands the magnitude of pregnant first trimester fatigue. Except for maybe parents of newborns lol.

It was hard. But I never actually vommitted. I just felt like I would 100% of the time. I know so many women have it so much worse than me and  I have nothing to complain about. But u kno that im going 2 complain.

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SECOND TRIMESTER

Suddenly, dawn broke, the birds were chirping, warm light shone on my face, and I could stand the idea of hummus again. I felt like working out again. I didn’t need 2 naps a day. Here cometh the sun, and the sun is second trimester.

I’m the type of person, I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell people I was pregnant, but if it came up naturally, I would tell people. So by the time week 13 rolled around, most family, close friends, and a few coworkers already knew.

BUT IT WAS STILL A HUGE RELIEF TO NOT HAVE TO HIDE IT ANYMORE.

I am not cut out for hiding pregnancy.

I had multiple doctor appts during that season, and I would just tell my boss/coworkers “have a doc appt bye!” literally every time. I probably could have made up a better excuse for half those visits, but like, I just. idk. I was going to the doctor.

Lane and I went to a wedding in September, and I yelled to him across the bar, “GET ME A MOCKTAIL!!” in the presence of his friends who did not yet know. Like. I just can’t.

The best part was just letting it all out in second tri. NO I CAN’T DRINK BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT. NO I’M NOT OKAY, ACTUALLY, I’M PREGNANT. I’M TIRED, I’M PREGNANT. THANKS THO.

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BUMPING BUT NOT

Again, not that I’m comparing myself to other women, all bodies are different, all pregnancies are different, everyone has their own journey. With that said, WHY DOESN’T MY PREGNANCY LOOK LIKE OTHER WOMEN’S AND ARE WOMEN LYING ABOUT THEIR BUMP ON PINTEREST???????????????

Pinterest has a plethora of weekly bump growth progress collages, and they’re all so hilarious, like BOOM, WEEK 10 BUMP! POPPED BY WEEK 13!

And I’m out here, week 18, like having to TELL people, REASSURE THEM, I am five months pregnant, because truly no one can tell by looking at me.

It is hard being so dainty and petite I guess? My life is hard I guess??

Being that the child is in my body, I am very aware of the changes. I could see a bump by week 9. By week 10, I was like OH WOW, I AM HUGE! THIS BUMP! I AM SO PREGNANT! I CAN HARDLY FIT IN THIS HOUSE WOW WOW! Sometimes I look in the mirror and see my bump and I’m like, oh my gahd it’s only November, and this will grow until April??? How is it physically possible??????

And yet I’m still fitting in my normal clothes, strangers have no idea I’m pregnant, my coworkers only know because I told them, and my halloween costume was shirtless. So like. I know bumps take longer for first-time moms, but I don’t think people realize how long bumps actually take to pop.

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pregnant jessica simpson is the ultimate mood

BOOBS

Well at least my boobs have popped! Wow! I can’t believe any day now I’m going to get discovered and asked to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, this is crazy.

DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS

“How are things going with you?” – Doctor

“Good!” – me

“Do you have any questions?” – Doctor

“Hmmm no?”  – me

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WEIGHT GAIN

I lost circa 3 pounds first trimester. I’ve gained circa 4-6 pounds so far in second tri. So I guess that’s like 1-3 pounds net gain by week 18. So I guess pregnancy is actually a great weight loss diet that I recommend.

On one hand, gaining weight utterly terrifies me. Alas, you would not know that by observing what and how I eat on a day-to-day basis. But the thought gaining and losing weight over and over, baby after baby, just sounds so incredibly exhausting. Not to mention mentally and emotionally traumatizing. I’m tard just typing about it.

On the other hand, everyone has done this so many times and they all seem fine, so like I’ll be fine too, or I won’t be, tbd.

I listened to a podcast this week that said I should have gained 10-15 lbs by week 18. This concerned me. I asked my OB about it yesterday. She said, “Oh God no. Ideally, you’d gain 10 pounds the first half of the pregnancy, then about a pound a week after that, 25-30 pounds.” Which actually seems very low, like A-list celebrity with 3 personal trainers low, but I was comforted to know that I’m completely fine.

I feel the need to reassure everyone that I’m not tying to not gain weight. In fact, I’m eating a ton, all of the time. I am just not EaTiNg 4 tWo or going crazy.

CRAVINGS, AVERSIONS, AND CHEF BOYARDEE

Something to know: a woman in her first trimester is not eating Chef Boyardee because she’s craving it. She’s eating it because it is the only carb within a 10 mile radius that doesn’t make her want to vomit. I can only speak for myself, but I definitely did not have “cravings” the first tri, I had “survival foods.”

First trimester aversions AKA everything I would normally eat:

  • Coffee
  • Hummus
  • Avocado toast
  • Nutthin crackers
  • Almonds
  • Salad
  • Veggies of any kind
  • Nature Valley granola bars
  • Sweets, desserts, chocolate of any kind

Second trimester cravings:

  • KFC. I don’t want to talk about it.
  • Subway. What is it about forbidden deli meat that sounds so superb when pregnant? I once had Subway twice in one week!! I really really do not want to talk about it thanks tho!!!!!!!
  • All the itos. Fritos. Doritos. Cheetos. I cannot get enough salty chips.
  • Cranberry juice. I have basically replaced coffee with cranberry juice.
  • Lemon Kale soup. Recipe here. It sounds healthy, because it is, but it’s also SO SAVORY DELECTABLE.

I’m still not really interested in dessert, which is so freaking weird, but like I will eat it, should it present itself to me, ya know.

I used to intermittent fast, in my youth, but I need all three square meals with snacks now. Big gul gotta eat.

PRENATAL VITAMINS

I’ve done them all. I started with MamaBird prenatals. Meh, they don’t taste great. Then I did a few samples from my OB, but I was alarmed at the ingredients, and decided I could find better OTC. My friends recommended prenatals that were $80 for 30 days, and had 7 pills a day. AND I DID THEM FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH, SO I BETTER HAVE A GENIUS BABY.

I finally landed on Ritual Prenatal vitamins, like every other millennial on this earth. They’re actually my favorite so far. Only 2 a day, and lemon smell. And affordable.

My OB is indifferent to brands and types. She said you pee out most vitamins anyway. So just something to think about.

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MATERNITY CLOTHES

I have a pair of Joe’s jeans that I swear is haunted. It has literally fit me in every season of life, from my dead-skinny engaged-to-be-wed body, to my five months pregnant body. STILL ZIP COMFORTABLY. I. do. not. understand. Haunted.

The only maternity clothes item I’ve bought are belly bands, which go over your belly and top of jeans, so you can walk around with them un-buttoned all day. I’ve been doing this with a few pairs, and it’s heaven. It’s honestly heaven. I wear this with big comfy sweaters most days.

WORK OUTS

I did my best to work out at least one time a week during first trimester, and the only thing that I ever wanted to do was Pilates. PILATES IS ACTUALLY SO VERY HARD, I’M NOT CONVINCED IT’S LEGAL IN AMERICA. But I liked it because I love swinging around on that reformer machine, and it wasn’t cardio.

Since second tri, I’ve been dabbling back into HIIT treadmil runs, light jog/walks, Soul Cycle here and there, still going to Pilates. I maybe work out twice a week. I would like to work out more, but I’m too lazy to work out both before or after work, so it really only happens on weekends.

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BOOKS, PODCASTS, VLOGS, BLOGS

BOOKS

I am reading Bring up Bebe bc it looks chic and apparently I want to raise a French baby in Dallas. I also bought The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, supposedly the bible of breastfeeding, which looks to be the polar opposite of chic. I also plan to read Baby Wise which was gifted to me

PODCASTS

Mom-related podcasts I’m listening to include Motherly, With Whit, and obviously Pregnancy Podcast. I’m having a hard time finding good motherhood podcasts. There are so many bad ones.

VLOGS

I LOVE following Becca Bristowe on YouTube. She posted about breastfeeding in the first 2 weeks of your newborns life and I know I will be rewatching that one. She has great what I eat in a day vlogs, you know I love those, and she is just living a super healthy lifestyle I hope to emulate.

I also like to loosely follow Carly Cristman and Sarah’s Day YouTube. More moms for ya.

Anna Victoria has posted her entire IVF journey, and wow, it is emotional for all of us. I am very involved in this with her.

BLOGS/IG

Dallas Wardrobe posted much golden content back when Baby Ralph was a baby and I will def be revisiting those newborn, toddler schedule posts when that time comes.

Miller Affect has a whole baby section, going into deep, dark details about motherhood and I am here for it.

Skinny Confidential is just a couple months ahead of me in pregnancy, and honestly, I did not know I could be so blessed. I live for her mommy content. I’m in a Skinny Confidential Mommies Facebook group lol, and I cannot tell you how much I’ve learned, and I mean that in both a good way and a bad way.

Katrina from Tone It Up, everyone knows and loves her, I stan her mom content with the rest of you.

If you have any book, podcast, mommy blog recos, I am in the market and nothing is too cheesy, absurd, ridiculous for me.

STROLLERS

One word: Uppababy.

This stroller is all the rage. Get Uppababy or get out. Get Uppababy or you hate your baby. That’s basically the marketing. I am not influenced by the media or anything, but I do want an Uppababy stroller and at this point I don’t even know why. Yes, it fits more than one baby, so technically you’d save money in the long run, but who’s to say I’ll have another baby any time soon?? Children can eventually walk, I assume??? How many babies do I honestly need to fit in a stroller at one time??

Low key, I really want a Joolz stroller, because that’s what Julia Engle of Gal Meets Glam totes her baby around in. Julia wore army pants and flip flops, so I want army pants and flip flops.

You should know that most families own more than one stroller. A lightweight stroller. An umbrella stroller, I’m still not sure what that means. Travel system strollers. Not to be confused with a stroller that is good for flights. A jogging stroller. Not to be confused with the City Jogger stroller.

The number of strollers one American family needs is endless. And they’re all like a thousand dollars!! Just kidding, some are only $500, upside down smiley.

I am distantly interested in your thoughts on strollers but I already know all you basic b#tches just want the Uppababy too.

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pugmom

wow this is ignorantly long thank u for reading and also for trying to read even a fourth.

4 Comments

Filed under baby, lifestyle

4 responses to “Everyone Please Give Me Special Treatment, I Am With Child

  1. Robin Shannon

    This was great!! I’m so envious you are still your tiny, petite self and carrying a watermelon. You always look wonderful. I’m still laughing. Go eat some itos!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is probably the funniest pregnancy announcement I’ve ever seen. If it makes you feel better, my mom spent her entire pregnancy subsisting on gyros and sugar donuts, and came out very symmetrical with the correct number of toes.

    Liked by 1 person

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