Spend 16 hours a day looking at Instagram.
ONE // A DIGITAL RETOX
“Detox” is so New Year’s Eve, so two months ago. Retox yourself, babe! It’s easy. Wake up and immediately look at your phone. Quickly move into a state of using your iPad. Now, both at the same time, WHAT’S THAT, A WORK-RELATED EMAIL, IT CAN PROBABLY WAIT UNTIL MONDAY, YOU BETTER LOOK AT IT IMMEDIATELY. Now it’s time to get your computer, because that’s the proper device for a work-related waste of time. You are now looking at a phone, iPad, and computer, good, this is good.
But it’s the weekend! Live a little! Turn on the TV. Add another device. WHERE IS ALEXA?! ALEXA TURN THE TV ON, ALEXA BLAST MY EYES WITH MORE BLUE LIGHT.
Four devices, this is good. Continue in this state for the next 17-18 hours, BUT WHILE WEARING BLUE BLOCKERS, obviously. You’re not a monster. You have self respect and believe in wellness and self care.
TWO // INVITE ALL YOUR FRIENDS OVER
Potluck brunch. Make sure one of said friends was recently in a public place and shame her but do nothing to stop hanging out with her, in fact, demand she bring donuts to your home. Social distancing, we are all in this together, we will get through this together, we will die together. I don’t want to say that my friends and I did this, I don’t want to say that we didn’t.
THREE // AIRPLAY TIK TOK ON THE TV SO EVERYONE CAN WATCH TIK TOK TOGETHER AS A FAMILY
Just like the 50s. I don’t want to say that my friends and I did this, I don’t want to say that we didn’t. I have so many questions about the tik toks but that’s another post for another day.
FOUR // WATCH 75 OLD MUSIC VIDEOS
Continue digital retoxing as a family.
Here is a list of must-watch music videos:
- “Sweetest Sin” by Jessica Simpson. Disclaimer: this video is essentially the live recording of Jessica and Nick having sex for the very first time, with her dad on set. But the cheesy production of the video is the real reason to watch this gem.
- “These Boots are Made for Walking” by Jessica Simpson. My friends and I had a heavy debate on what was the sexiest video of its time, Slave 4 U by Brit or this video. The correct answer, the unanimous decision, is this video. It’s hard to look at Jessica and not think of John Mayer ya know. Did anyone read her book? I didn’t, but I did read this blog post TLDR.
- “Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears. One friend made the boldest claim of 2020, that Britney was the sexiest celebrity of her time, and no pop star has been as sexy since. Think about that. Try to think of one pop star as hot as 90s Britney. We decided Ariana comes the closest, but she is still too oversized sweatshirt to be there ya feel. It’s not Demi. It’s not Tay. It’s not Selena. We decided Beyonce was in an entirely different category and not comparable. JLo too old to be comparable. It’s not Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and IT’S DAMN SURE NOT MILEY DON’T GET ME STARTED DOT COM.
- “No Scrubs” by TLC. RIP Left Eye.
- “Work It” by Missy Elliot. Just cuz u have so much time, Y not.
- “Lady Marmalade” by the 4 pop stars I’m too lazy to write out. Congrats on Christina Ag for being the star of the song, but too bad her agents/PR team couldn’t give her the career her voice deserved.
- “Dirty” by Christina OR SHOULD I SAY XXX-TINA!!!!!!! This was an iconic look and we know this because Kylie Jenner recreated it.
- “Half-breed” by Cher. Young Cher is such an incredible being, I’m never not fascinated by things she did before I was born. Try imagining this song/video coming out in 2020, HA!
I don’t want to say that my friends and I watched all these videos and about 92 more, I don’t want to say that we didn’t.
FIVE // REARRANGE YOUR BAR CART
I moved all our liquor bottles from the bottom of the pantry to the top of the bar cart. I have no idea why. Now we look like alcoholics, even more than before! We never even drink liquor! 97% of these bottles are from our wedding, two years ago! But how chic is a bar cart make over!
SIX // SERIOUSLY CONSIDER BUYING A PRESET FILTER
I have the Lightroom mobile app so, yes, I am a professional photographer, and also a macro-influencer. I have a love hate relationship with preset aesthetics on IG. But I kind of want to start presetting. But is it weird to preset your baby. I’ve already written way too much about this.
SEVEN // DEEPLY CONTEMPLATE REDECORATING YOUR BEDROOM THROW PILLOWS
I don’t want to talk about it, but actually, all I want to talk about is pillow inspiration and execution. Pillow envy is a thing I experience when I browse Insta. I’m feeling very moved by large square velvet pillows THAT DIP IN THE CENTER MIDDLE, THIS IS KEY, THERE MUST BE DIP.
“Bolster vs lumbar pillows” is in my recent Google history. There is a difference.
I’ve picked out all the pillows I want to buy and it added up to $200, shopping somewhat frugally on Overstock and Etsy, so I proceeded to have a self check, found a grip, and stopped myself 🙂
I want to spend $200 on pillows for an unnecessary bed make over 🙂 how are you:)
EIGHT // ORDER GROCERIES TO BE DELIVERED
I would kill for Kroger or Instacart to sponsor me because we are the biggest supporters of online shopping, pick up, and delivery.
NINE // START A BLOG
Or YouTube channel. Or Instagram. Create something no one will watch or read or rly care about and lose motivation when you’re not viral in six months and then quit. Good luck!
TEN // ONLINE PARENTING CLASSES
I was signed up for four parenting classes at our hospital and they’re all canceled. I’m expected to go read the same materials online. Lol. Should I throw in a YouTube video of a real birth? We all have coronavirus.