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Ahh, yes, the art of completely taking over everything your boyfriend wears without his permission or even general awareness. It takes skill. It takes tact. It takes unnecessary luxury designer statement pieces.
Don’t worry, I’m here. I live to serve you.
Here are the necessary steps to ensuring no straight female lays a single eyeball on your man this v-day.
1. Take his closet through a color run
Yes, a color run, you heard me, yes. We need color, people, we need rainbows, we need neon, for God’s sake. Throw in paisley. I need your boyfriend to be drenched in 50 shades of purple paisley. I need soft rainbow pastels, like a spring Ralph Lauren ad, only on steroids, with a little bit of Lady Gaga monster vibes. Why is that hard. I’m not asking a lot.
2. Throw in a lot of designer items, and by items I mean a murse
And by murse, I mean a full blown Kate Spade structured leather dome bag. For your man. Is this too much, you wonder. I tell you no, because there are only two things a straight man wants in this world: 1. to be told that you bought him a Kate Spade bag FOR HIM,
with this credit card, because it reminded you of his eyes, and 2. beer.
Just imagine… you, your hot date, your cross body strap clutch on your shoulder, and his delicate, sweet, baby blue KS tote resting on his forearm, like it was placed there like God himself, while walking out of a restaurant.
Relationship goals. And also no one is hitting on either of you goals.
3. Sign him up on Grindr
This step is crucial and necessary and not overboard. Overanalyzing is our enemy on step 3. Don’t think, just download. Once you’ve survived the process of cracking his passcode, using all your self discipline not to read his texts, download the app, use his gmail to register on Grindr, and get to swiping, can you finally relax and breathe easy, knowing no female is hitting on him this vday, potentially not even you, it’s fine.
4. Buy him this
Your bf probs won’t even notice. It will be very casual, as you place it on his doorstep the next time you leave his apt. It will feel very natural. “Live Laugh Love,” said the taken straight man. Beautiful.
5. Add the LinkedIn skill, “folding/merchandising luxury scarfs”
Millions of his female connections will see this and reconsider their entire lives and everything they thought they knew.
Be safe out there. It’s break up season. BTW, don’t miss some last minute Valentine’s Day sales, below. Gifts for your boyfriend, the girls hitting on him, your friends, your mom, or yourself. You don’t have much time so carry on.
images via: www.alexinwanderland.com/, www.giphy.com, www.scarbrough-faire.com
Valentine’s Day Coupon: 40% off Jewelry at shein.com. Code: VDAYJEWELS ends 2/14
Roses are Red Stemless Wine Glass at swoozies.com – $14.95
Customized Party Playing Cards at beau-coup.com – $4.39-$5.66
To die for framed snapshot heart from minted.com – $42-$465