I’m A Friend To The Sick, The Poor, And The Skinny

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In celebrity world, a girl squad is full of models and then there is one Lena Dunham. There’s always that one girl.

In reality/muggle world, a girl squad is full of Lena Dunhams and there is one Karlie Kloss. Or one un-talented version of Taylor Swift friend. There’s always that one girl.

Here is a story of a muggle squad being a friend to the sick, the poor, and that one skinny friend.

Reasons We Deserve Medals For Being Friends With Our Naturally Skinny Friends

When my skinny friend didn’t know how to weigh herself. No, weighing yourself is not merely stepping on the scale. It’s a whole process that requires timing and strategy. Skinny friend stepped on the scale at the end of the day, with all her clothes on, like insulting gravity and all womankind, and said “i’ve only lost like 3 pounds.”

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THREE POUNDS AT THE END OF THE DAY. WHAT, DID YOU GO ON BIGGEST LOSER OVER THE WEEKEND???? ARE YOU DOING THE BEYONCE MASTER CLEANSE DIET NOW??? LIKE??????????

She groups texts this to the squad of Lena Dunhams, and we all had to explain that you only weigh yourself in the morning, with dry hair, no clothes, after peeing, with one foot on the ground, LIKE. OBVIOUSLY. Skinny friend had actually lost 6 pounds, let’s kill her.

When skinny friend complained about gaining weight since college and moving up a size — TO A SIZE 27. What is size 24-26? What is that? I’m pretty sure I passed those jean sizes before I knew they were jean sizes. Like I was born a size 24, and passed 26 before first grade, and was literally the full blown beautiful Latina woman that I am today by 5th grade.

For those unfamiliar with European sizing, 26 is circa the size of my very very toned, tanned upper arm. It’s fetal.

So when my once-size-26-friend moved into the “horrifying” territory of 27 land, and was traumatized by it, we Lenas were just like…….. . . . .. .   .    .

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like

When skinny friend brought cheesecake and queso to the wine and cheese party. Ok so my millennial friends and I are not only narcissistic, entitled, and too lazy to eat cereal, but we’re also Dallasites and thus pretentious, so we have wine and cheese nights that we can’t afford accordingly.

All the basics were there, gouda, brie, manchego, my friends. Then skinny friend floats in the room with a BOWL OF QUESO AND PLATE OF CHEESECAKE. IT WAS INSULTING TO ALL MANKIND AND ALL OF THE LENAS IN THE ROOM.

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WE JUST WANT TO DO THIS W&C NIGHT THE RIGHT WAY, SKINNY PEOPLE

When skinny friends date skinny men. Our skinny friends can date skinny men which is a whole new realm of males untapped by the rest of us, and we hate them for it.

Like enjoy yourselves. Enjoy your youth. Enjoy sharing really small chairs in public together.

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When skinny friend was called “curvaceous” ONE TIME and it scarred her for life. Like, THE REST OF US REMEMBER OUR FIRST “CURVACEOUS” COMMENT, WE ALL HAD TO PUT ON OUR ACTUAL BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET OVER IT.

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shakin it off like tay

thank you and be well enjoy the sabbath

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