We all know that just because you’re The Bachelor or Bachelorette doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to find tru luv. And even if you find your tru luv on the show, that doesn’t mean it will last.
I’m looking at you Andi and Josh. Chris and Whitney.
So I’m here to the rescue, in this special edition blog post My friends are applying to be on The Bachelor. Don’t fret, lost Bachelors of the world.
How this works
My friends fill out ABC’s questionnaire (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH ABC FAMILY’S FREEFORM, WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF), I blog it, and tweet it to Ben H. Then I tweet him again when he ignores me. Then I tweet Chris Harrison for good measure. I may even instagram it. Then I’ll tweet ABC.com and The Bachelor handle. Then I’ll find other bachelor bloggers because influencer marketing and you know what, I’m just one teen YouTube star mentioning me away from being viral ok???
Then Ben will read the applications, fall in love with JUST ONE, ONLY ONE of my friends and give her a rose emoji . Then we’ll ask him to rank us like a dog show. My friends will all say, “We’ll trot for you,” at the same time, because this is our oldest trick in the book, no pun intended. We’ve been saying those words to men for years. Years.
This is genius. This is brilliant. I can’t w8. Here we go. last names are not included because privacy and mystery and such.
My friends’ applications for The Bachelor, Ben Higgins
Occupation: Event planner
Hometown: Seminole, TX
Tattoos: I’ve always been told I’m too pretty for tattoos, so I have two.
Favorite Music: Anything as long as it’s not country, for the love of God.
All-time Favorite Movies: Schindler’s List, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, and anything that involves mass murder, really.
Cold or Hot Weather: I enjoy feeling like I’m 30 seconds away from frostbite. So cold!
If you could be any animal, which one and why? I would be Justin Beiber’s former monkey that was left in Germany because I could hold him for a while just before I’m left in my favorite place. See “All-time Favorite Movies” question.
Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order? Hitler, Stalin and Putin. I would order all the food and put it on Hitler’s tab.
If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law and why? I would pose as a cop and hit people with my baton when I’m in a sad mood, so I can feel better.
What is your most embarrassing moment? Walking out of the house every morning sans makeup.
Where do you see yourself in five years? I see myself with 3 pounds overweight with a bad haircut and doing my duty as a woman to be a housewife because I’ll be MARRIED.
What does your ideal mate look like? Someone with a beating heart.
Hometown: Plano, Texas
Height: 5’8” why is this important
Favorite music: britney spears, taylor swift, katy perry, michael buble, justin tim, miley, beyonce, sometimes i like rap
All time fave movies: hot rod, saving silverman, moulin rouge, ariscocats, but tv though… greys anatomy, new girl, Brooklyn 99, game of thrones, girls, once upon a time, the office, reign #teambash
Hot or cold weather? cold i hate the sun
What is your greatest achievement to date? learning how to fill in my eyebrows and watching 13 seasons of greys anatomy in 3 months.
Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you? pls pursue me
Do you prefer hot spot type clubs or low key bars and why? anywhere i am on a friday night is hot spot bc im fun
I hate it when my date: leaves to go makeout with someone else
If you could be a fictional character who would you be and why?
ratatouille-i like food
What does being married mean to you? i dont understand the question
Occupation: Commercial Insurance Rep
Hometown: Saint Hedwig, TX
Tattoos: None. The body is a temple.
Can’t live without: The Internet, group texts, books, make up.
Biggest date fear: Going on a date with an idiot and having to pretend to enjoy it.
If I never had to go back to school, that would be fine.
If I never got to see my family, I would find a way to see my family.
If you could be any animal, what would you be? I would rather die than be an animal.
If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings? Move to Paris.
What’s your most embarrassing moment? This guy I dated for two years in high school.
What is your greatest achievement to date? I want to say my job but I think my relationships are probably my greatest achievements.
Occupation: freelance journalist/communications coordinator/BAMF
Hometown: Garland, Texas
Height: 5’5 1/2 but who is counting
Tattoos: None because I’m an angel.
Favorite Music: You’re So Vain by Carly Simon and Oops I Did It Again by Britney Spears are my two all-time favorite songs because lol
All-Time Favorite Movies: In order? Sound of Music, Bridesmaids, Mean Girls, The Parent Trap, 61*, The Brady Bunch Movie.
Cold or Hot Weather?: Cold. I pass out in the hot weather because I’m dainty.
What does your ideal mate look like? He’s skinny and gay-looking with a beard. He may also have dreadlocks. He smokes cigarettes and rides a motorcycle. He looks like a homeless man.
What is your most embarrassing moment? I decided one day in college that I wasn’t going to get embarrassed anymore and I don’t.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Tay Swift because being a pop star seems like a blast and I want to know what dealing with the paparazzi is really like.
What’s your worst date memory? He called his mom on the date to let her know about the movie we were seeing. It’s fine.
Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why? I don’t care. Just as long as he tells me I’m pretty.
What’s your idea of the ultimate date? Him telling me I’m pretty over and over again and then leaving so I can have alone time.
Alright, Ben. Who is it going to be? There can only be one. we’re counting on u, dnt mess this up ill kill u wait wut