No One Told Me Passengers Was A Love Story And I Lost My Actual Shit

HOW DID I MISS THIS NICHOLAS SPARKS NOVEL????? There are spoilers in this post. Get over it. 

Last Sunday night, Lane and I had plans to see the critically acclaimed musical chick flick, La La Land, so of course we ended up at the outerspacey dude movie starring a hot blonde actress, Passengers.

Or at least, SO I THOUGHT it was just an outerspacey dude movie with a hot blonde actress. So. I. thought. I had prepared myself for a stupid movie with super hot Chris Pratt and my favorite actress JLaw. I was expecting to drool over Pratt, wish I was JLaw, eat popcorn, be bored by the space/alien plot, regret eating so much popcorn, wish I was JLaw, and go home.

What no one told me is that Passengers was a FULL ON DRAMA-ROMANCE MOVIE about a journalist and a mechanic and had gripping acting, intense sexually charged scenes, and, I REPEAT, A ROMANTIC, DRAMATIC PLOT. AS IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS ABOUT TWO HUMANS FALLING IN LOVE. THE WHOLE TIME.

NO ALIENS.

NO SPACE WARS.

NO ZENON CLOTHES.

NO CHUBACAS.

NO ROBOTS actually there were robots but still.

further proof shit was lost:

I was shook. This movie affected me more than I want to admit. I honestly don’t even know what happened, but I saw this movie, went to a really dark place, immediately picked a fight with my best friend in the group text (HI LOL SORRY PAIGE), continued my downward spiral, Lane asked if I was mad at him, and I had an emotional hangover the next morning.

HI, NICE TO MEET YOU, I AM STABLE.

If you haven’t seen it, then stop reading now because I’m going to spoil the crap out of this movie.

Disclaimer: maybe this is me just being vain, because I am remarkably vain, but I feel like I watch movies with greater in-the-moment, I-am-living-this-right-now experience than most people. I don’t know what it is. I have to embrace myself for stressful movies because I’m scarred for days, because whatever happened in that movie, happened to me in my real life, ESPECIALLY when I’m in a theatre, because it’s just the big screen, loud speakers and it’s just in my face and in my life, I cannot separate fact from fiction, please help me.

Exhibit A: this other movie blog I wrote. 

Exhibit B:

Things no one told me about Passengers

That Jennifer Lawrence would act her ass off so hard

The scene(s) when Jennifer, or “Aurora” (WHAT A NAME?????? SLEEPING BEAUTY ANYONE??? I’M NAMING MY FIRST BORN AURORA?????) finds out that Chris, or Jim (SO BASICALLY JIM HALPERT OF THE OFFICE, THE NAME OF MY SECOND BORN) actually woke her up from the hibernation pod (sorry, bear with me) shook me. All her angry/depressed/rage scenes put the fear of God in me.

And when Jim was sleeping and Aurora STARTED PUNCHING HIM OVER AND OVER IN HIS SLEEP, WAT. WAT. I had my head in my hands, I had so much anxiety, does anyone care, this is what I go through.

All of Jennifer’s raspy, bloodcurdling screams and her red, contorted, vein in her forehead expressions were too real.She’s not afraid to make herself ugly-cry/scream and she contorts her face in a real way that makes me feel like I want to die for hurting her. I hadn’t been hit that hard by acting since Emily Blunt in Girl on The Train because I’m basic and that shit was also way to real and I cuss in my blog apparently.

anyways.

That this movie makes 50 Shades of Gray look like actual Pixar

I’ve never read 50 Shades, but I’ve seen the movie and I get the gist. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR SEXUALLY CHARGED MAKE OUT SESSIONS ON SPACESHIP TABLES. And I hate myself but I remember Chris Pratt’s lines in this scene???? Because it’s seared in my brain?????? help me???

AND POOR ANNA FARRIS. SHOULD WE SEND ANNA FLOWERS?? EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS?????? I’m so glad Lane isn’t an actor because I’m not confident enough to have a relationship that involves my husband making out with Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, and every trending article for two weeks straight has been about C&J chemistry so kill me now, I’m done, I can’t, I’m dead on the inside.

That this movie will make you question everything you think you know about ethics and morals you’ll want to discuss it with everyone you come in contact with for the next 50 years

Lane and I discussed literally everything about this movie, like it was after a controversial church sermon. Like it was homework. Like it was politics. Like it was the most important thing in the world and not a stupid space movie.

I can’t imagine living alone my whole life, it was wrong of him but would I have done the same, why didn’t he wake up the captain or the crew first, Is it so wrong of him to want a companion, I’m so glad there wasn’t another girl bc my heart can’t take a long triangle right now, i would have been so upset if my friends chose to live in the future without me, how does gravity work, would I be mad if Chris Pratt woke me up probably not, I can’t believe she chose to stay and not go back into the hibernation pod, did she write her book, why didn’t they have children, where did they die, how did they die, who am i

And I know this movie got poor reviews everywhere, but I’m a movie critic now and all of them are wrong thanks for reading.