I Was A Single Mother For One Weekend And I Can Do Anything

I know everything now*. 

*Disclaimer: I am only an aunt and have no idea what I’m talking about so everything I’m about to say is invalid.

Let’s just get it out there: Moms are okay and all, but Aunts are the real backbone of this nation. I was there when JW, the youngest, was born (sleeping/looking at my phone). I have been there for most of their lives, babysitting, attending birthdays, and what not. I can’t even tell the difference between me and a mom, honestly.

My sister spray tanned herself and went to a wedding in Oklahoma this last weekend so I stayed with my two nephews from Friday night to Sunday. I’ve babysat Wesley, the oldest, a whole weekend before, but never both of them. Full disclosure, Lane helped me Friday night, but left Saturday to watch football and drink beer with his friends and then never returned, so this is basically just like a real marriage, I’m a real mom.

Here are some key takeaways from babysitting two boys a whole weekend

I totally get how parents leave their kids in the car

It happens every summer: Another story about a mother leaving her child in the car on a hot day. And every single time, I have the same thoughts: HOW ARE WE STILL DOING THIS, PEOPLE? We all know to not leave your child in the car!!!!! Especially when it’s hot!!!!!! Especially for hours on end!!!!!!! THIS IS PARENTING 101. 

And then I was driving to church with my nephews. Running late, of course, but I really wanted a grande skinny vanilla latte. The Starbucks by my church is not a drive thru, which meant I had two options: Run in by myself, leaving the boys in the car left to die or be stolen, or take them with me, battling car seats, cold weather, and a two-year-old who likes to run off. HM, I’M GOING TO RISK CHANCES WITH THE FIRST OPTION METHINKS. 

I ended up not stopping at Starbucks and just going straight to church, but the thought did cross my mind, WOW SO THIS IS HOW EASY IT IS TO LEAVE KIDS IN THE CAR. WOW I GET IT. WOW I’M ALREADY IN JAIL FOR DOING THIS IN FIVE YEARS. 

i get it now. i’m a mom now.

I totally get how moms become annoyingly skinny

The question is inevitable. Every mom will always be asked Omg how did you lose the baby weight? And every response will always inevitably get a derisive guffaw out of me.

“Oh I just eat after whatever the kids eat! Plus running around chasing them! I even forget to eat sometimes!”

Most of all, I hate anyone who says they forgot a meal. Like, congratulations. Secondly, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT SKINNY EATING AFTER YOUR KIDS? Are your kids eating six small vegan meals a day??? Are your kids drinking kale juice and protein shakes??? BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE I FED MY NEPHEWS MAC AND CHEESE AND FROZEN PIZZA FOR 72 HOURS STRAIGHT. 

With that said: Yesterday, trying to get the boys dressed for church, fed, and out the door, I completely forgot to eat breakfast. By the time church was over, I was sweating from running after them, putting JW’s shoes back on for the 45th time, and holding JW while walking to the car. Sweating.

QUICK SOAPBOX: JW IS THE LARGEST TODDLER IN THE HISTORY OF TODDLERS. When my sister asks me to babysit JW, my first reaction is, JW is bigger than both of us, he can watch himself????? He should really go get a job?? He should be supporting the family????????

Like I lost 20 pounds just this weekend and I’m not even breastfeeding, the mom diet is real, i get it now, i’m a mom now.

I did not win the presidential award of freedom

BUT I’M HONESTLY A CONTENDER. We went to Top Pot Donuts after church. The table next to us was a man and two kids eating in their seats quietly. JW and Wesley were wrestling each other in the middle of the cafe and generally running amok. JW had taken his shoes off again.

Minutes later and trying to leave, the man asked me, “This is a weird question, but do you have a hair tie for my daughter?”

HAHAHAH SURE, LET ME PUT DOWN TWO CHOCOLATE MILKS, A LATTE, AND JW’S SHOES TO BRAID YOUR DAUGHTERS HAIR REALLY QUICK, WHILE MY NEPHEWS RUN OUT THE DOOR AND INTO DALLAS TRAFFIC.

“Oh, I’m sure I do, let me look!”

So this meant I had to take my eyes off the boys for a second to dig through my purse, during which time Wesley started to exit the building and the man started apologizing profusely for asking in the first place. I also have the biggest purse in the world with a wine opener, beer opener, and 2017 planner with world maps, but I rarely have a pen or rubber band. It’s amazing.

I gave him a bobby pin and left. YES, SIR, THIS WAS A VERY WEIRD REQUEST, HERE IS A BOBBY PIN, I’M PRAYING FOR YOU. 

Of course the boys were perfectly still and silent the whole drive home. It was comical. I was singing “Unbreak My Heart” to the radio in my best R&B voice and they didn’t even crack a smile or complaint. Dead silence. WHERE WAS THAT BEHAVIOR IN THE TOP POT?? it’s fine i’m fine dot com.