How To Appreciate Cult Classic Movies That Will Scar You For Life

No, don’t worry about me, I’m completely fine, here’s your FREAKING movie review, that will not cost me sleepless nights of torment or desperate needs for therapy sessions, at all. At all.

THIS IS A MOVIE REVIEW BLOG NOW

Long-time readers of this blog may recall a blog post I wrote about my lack of movie culture. Refresher: I somehow grew up so painfully sheltered that I never saw movies like Shawshank Redemption or Goodfellas or Silence of The Lambs or Pulp Fiction. And I don’t mean sheltered in the way you’re reading it — I didn’t live in a strict home. As the youngest child by 8.5 years, I often joke-yet-with-subtle-truth that my parents basically gave up being parents by the time I rolled out the womb and into adolescent years, so I was able to watch MTV, any random R-rated movie that I stumbled upon, and it was fine, and I’m fine, and I turned out perfect.

So I wasn’t sheltered from the mass media (I grew up thinking every American household received People magazine with their newspaper and my family speaks of celebrities like we know them personally), and yet somehow missed most ALL of the important movies one is supposed to see growing up. Send help. It’s fine i’m fine dot com.

Movies I watched religiously growing up, all VHS:

• All Disney Princess movies (obviously, i’m sheltered, not a communist)
• Death Becomes Her (help)
• Matilda (where is she now)
• Liar Liar (i know every word, the pen is blue)
• Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion (#squad)
• TRL (tv, whatever, you get it)
• The Real World (sorry)
• Legally Blonde (I watched this on repeat, Elle Woods was my savior)
• Mrs. Doubtfire (I DON’T FLIRT WITH THE MALES I USED TO BE ONE)
• Gone With The Wind (my parents call each other rett and scarlet, my scarring runs so deep)
• Home Alone 1 (ballin’)
• The Sandlot (still dont understand baseball)
• The Santa Claus (supreme, classic, iconic, often imitated, never equalled)
• My Fair Lady (the clothes. the clothes. the audrey. the clothes.)
• Hook (THE MERMAIDS)

Movies I failed to see:

• Everything else

My coworkers first discovered my lack of movie culture when I told them I’d never seen The Princess Bride. To solve this wretched crime, they so kindly created an actual Google Doc spreadsheet of movies that I must see.

It has become my life mission to watch all of these movies so I can partake in movie-quoting, and reference-catching, and just in general to not feel like a foreign exchange student in the country of pop culture to which I was born into.

This Google Doc Spreadsheet was created August of 2014 and here I am. July 2016. Still working off of it. Still crawling through the movie trenches. Still struggling to catch 100% of all movie references thrown around at work, on TV, in articles. My life is so hard.

But I’ve made enough progress to finally be able to compile some sort of movie review to some up my overall experience so far. Spoiler: MY OVERALL EXPERIENCE IS THAT I’M SCARRED FOR LIFE AND I NOW REALIZE WHY I NEVER WATCHED THESE MOVIES GROWING UP. NO, I’M FINE. I DON’T NEED THERAPY/SYMPATHY/ATTENTION AT ALL. HERE’S YOUR EFFING MOVIE REVIEW, Y’ALL.

Secondary observation: Brad Pitt is literally in every single important film that’s ever been released, and it’s shocking. I’m shocked. So glad he left Jenn’s basic ass and is still married to the weird, but fascinating soul, that is Angelina. I’m done I’m sorry. But wow Brad Pitt is everywhere.

How To Appreciate Movies That Scar You For Life, Ranked By Least Scarring To Most Scarring

5. What Dreams May Come

I watched this movie 2 red wines deep, so I was already emotionally vulnerable. Couple that with the fact that when I watch a movie, I don’t just watch the movie, I physically transport myself into the lives of the main characters, and live through what they live through, mentally, physically, emotionally, personally, and so wow, that was a v hard night for me. I kid you not, I started crying in the very begining of the movie, and DID. NOT. STOP. CRYING. THROUGH THE REST OF THE MOVIE. ha. haha. ha. ha.

Things to appreciate: It’s obviously one of Robin Williams’ only serious films, so there’s that, but I also had moments of enjoying life around me in painting form. Okay.

4. Seven

This was Lane’s great idea. I was on a Kevin Spacey kick (loved/cringed at American Beauty), and he said this was a must-see Spacey film, and I believed him. SPACEY IS BARELY IN THIS EFFING MOVIE, Y’ALL. YOU KNOW WHAT IS???????? SADISTIC MURDER. But let me brag on myself for a hot second by saying I completely guessed the ending. I totally called that Gweneth Paltrow’s head would be in the box, and this is my greatest life accomplishment, and I want this written in my eulogy.  I GUESSED THE ENDING. SOMEONE SIGN ME ON AS A CO-PRODUCER FOR A FILM. I’m sorry. sorry.

Things to appreciate: There’s nothing I love more than a good villain, and Kevin Spacey was a great, eerie one, if only for the 3 seconds of his entire film time. The plot twist at the end was great, and by that, I mean Kevin Spacey got what he wanted, which isn’t great, but it blows your mind, which is great.

3. Shawshank Redemption

Everyone and their actual dog told me this is a must-see. There are people who claim this as their all-time favorite movie. There are men who have proposed to their wives by putting a ring in a book. And then there’s me, and ignorance really is bliss.

I should tell you that I DO NOT DO VIOLENCE WELL. It physically pains me to watch people be beaten. It hurts my entire soul. I physically ache while watching a fictional character be punched over and over. SPOILER: THERE’S A LOT OF THAT IN THIS MOVIE. SPOILER AND IT’S ALL UNJUST. THROW RAPE IN THE MIX. AND MORE UNJUST. THEN AN OLD, SWEET SAD MAN. AND SUICIDE. AND SEWERS. SPOILER YOU’VE NOW SEEN THE WHOLE MOVIE THROUGH THESE WORDS, CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING A PART OF THE CULT.

Things to appreciate: What’s-his-face finally gets justice. That’s it. Morgan Freeman’s voice. That’s it.

2. Schindler’s List

How I started watching this movie is a joke from hell. I told Lane that I wanted to watch, “Schindler’s List” verbatim, that’s what I said. But that’s not what I meant. I meant The Shining. Those words are too similar for my small pea brain (P.S., I do this a lot. I say one thing and mean a completely different thing a lot). I wanted to watch a scary horror movie with Jack Nicholson, not a movie about the holocaust, because I lived through college history classes, and I’ve had enough of the holocaust forever. Lane doesn’t read my mind and I’m pissed about it and he played Schindler’s List after I asked him to, and 5 minutes in I said, wait a minute. This isn’t right.

BUT HE WANTED TO WATCH IT AND I HAD NEVER SEEN IT EITHER SO WE WATCHED IT AND I CRIED FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT, SO. HAPPY HANUKKAH. EVERYTHING IS A JOKE ON ME.

Things to appreciate: history and the fact that you’re not a jew living in the 1930-40s.

1. The Clockwork Orange

I have Lane to blame for this one (read: I have myself to blame). We came home after bars (i think?? i dont remember because i’ve done all i can to block this night out of my memory) and he suggested we watch this and I said okay because I’m a good 1950s housewife who only says yes. WITHIN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS, MY SOUL WAS SHATTERED. FIVE MINUTES LATER, LANE WAS SOUND ASLEEP. I had the option to turn off the movie and go to bed but I’m an emotional cutter and was too committed already and forced myself to watch THE WHOLE MOVIE BY MYSELF AND I HATED EVERY SECOND I WAS ALIVE FOR IT.

Things to appreciate: Acting I guess. Blue eyes I guess. Karma I guess.

10 QUESTIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE THIS MOVIE:

1. ARE YOU A MONSTER?
2. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
3. WHY DO YOU HATE JOY?
4. YOU STOLE MY INNOCENCE?
5. DID YOU TIME TRAVEL HERE FROM THE MIDDLE AGES AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU LOVED HUMAN TORTURE?
6. CAN YOU NOT?
7. DOES THE ORIGINAL SINGING IN THE RAIN MOVIE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
8. HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
9. IS THIS NECESSARY?
10. ARE YOU BROCK TURNER sorry. sorry.

i’m done now.

And because I know the question is burning in your mind, so far my favorite movies have been Annie Hall, American Beauty, Garden State, The Big Lebowski, Fight Club, Almost Famous, Eternal Sunshine, Silence of the Lambs, En Bruges, of course Good Will Hunting, and obviously The Princess Bride. 

pls do ur part and comment w a movie i need 2 C. or ignore me. that’s fine too.