They’re ugly. They’re as flattering as a dad bod in a Beyonce leotard. They’re the hottest denim style of 2016.
So when I stumbled upon the WWW collection at Target in my casual, just checking what’s here in the women’s section but definitely-not-going-to-buy-anything stroll, I gasped and said hallelujah amen.
I’m only like 10 months late to discover this collection but it’s fine i’m fine dot com. This is why I can’t be a fashion blogger 2016.
but look how chic it is tho
I didn’t buy the neck scarf, but I did leave with a few non-Mossimo/Verona Target clothing items, and I am so so so sorry, but one of those items was a pair of high waist crop flared denim.
In case you haven’t noticed, “high waist cropped flares” are “the capri pants you wore circa middle school” reincarnated. They’re so bad. I love them I hate them I own them.
Here is what happened in my first day in my high-waist, crop flare denim
I lost sleep about how I would style these new jeans. The night before, I picked out a white scallop-hem top. But laying in bed, I knew that was a mistake. You can’t tuck a scallop hem into the front of your high waist pants. What kind of monster does that.
That morning, I decided on a fitted v-neck striped tee, and a plaid shirt around my waist. No, I know. I’m chic as actual hell. A plaid shirt? with cropped flares?? Am I Bella Hadid??? Am I a Jenner???????? I post half-naked Calvin Klein Instagrams?????????????????????? Someone hose me down bc I can’t handle how hot i am cant stop wont stop ok just kidding im done now.
All the outfit needed was a choker.
But I didn’t wear a choker, because I’m not a complete trend-whore. I just have a platinum lob, plaid waist shirt, and flared crops, I’m hardly a product of my generation, or a millennial (I was planning on switching out the
basic Kendra Scott for a choker that night. Day-wear to night-wear transition chic thanks for reading).
Before leaving for work, I took a Snapchat of myself with the caption, “new owner of cropped flares,” but didn’t post it. I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME get a flattering angle in the damn cropped denim jeans. And this was a mirror pic with my new full length mirror from Bed Bath & Beyond that I honestly couldn’t afford but bought anyway in my “i just moved, i’m so exhausted, i dont even know what i’m doing, i’m black out shopping” haze. please pray.
This Snapchat mirror pic was going to be a key part of the start of my day, to the start of this blog, the start of the rest of my life. Alas. Cropped flares aren’t flattering, by any means, not even Your Usual Good Side/Good Angle means.
I got to work. An intern brought hand-made mini cinnamon rolls. I said, do I look like I eat refined sugar in my cropped flares? ok? who do you think i am? ok?
I ate two.
And then I stood up and announced to my coworkers, after being at work for a solid hour or so, that I’m wearing cropped flare denim.
“Y’all. I have high waist cropped flared denim on.” -Augusta, 2016
What do you think, I said. One said, “they’re trendy” and another said “they look like they shorten the leg.”
They’re not wrong. They’re not wrong.
Soon after, I walked into a meeting in a small office room without enough chairs for everyone. My newfound, pants-fueled confidence enabled me to warn my coworkers, “My jeans are too chic for me to sit on the floor, sorry.” I took a chair. #LifeWithCroppedFlares #DoingLifeWithCroppedFlares
Later that afternoon, it was time for my semi-regular Starbucks trip, where I like to sit alone and stare at nothing and talk to no one. But today, my Starbucks time would be different, because I would be in cropped flares. Strangers would notice me and think, that girl, that girl in the cropped flares, who is she, what is it about her that makes her so mysterious and un-basic from the rest? Why is she so effortless? they’ll wonder.
After work, my cropped flares and I had a plane to catch. One-way ticket to Seattle, baby. Just kidding, it was round trip, but that doesn’t sound as cool.
That night, a chic, female Seattle local said, “I like your jeans.” and it was then I knew I made the right decision to buy the most unflattering pants on Planet Earth for the sake of being In Style and Chic Af in 2016.
and i said thank u.