Ahh, the Olympic sport of Adulting, where not even drugs disqualify you.
I’m ignorant and 2012 was four years ago, and my only takeaways were “Michael Phelps” and “Jeah” so when I saw people shooting and playing ping pong for actual world wide gold medals, i was like
But then I realized how close-minded I was to be surprised. Of course these are Olympic sports! Talent and hard work are still talent and hard work, no matter what they’re applied to.
Which is why I’d like to shed light lesser-known competitions that are still tantamount to Phelps and his silly lil twenty gold coins.
Coming In Late To Work
I have never, not once, under any circumstance, walked in late to a professional environment, this is a personal blog, not a savage jungle. Now that we’ve established that…
Everyone’s late and that’s okay because someone has to take home the gold!
Some may even argue there are training techniques, strategies, and teammates involved in the process. You have to know when entrance is closest and quietest to your playing field, A.K.A. desk. You have to know who to talk to, when and how to give the explanation. You have to have mascara on. You have to practice. You have to continually optimize strategy. You have to learn from the best and compete up against them, until you can’t distinguish late from absent.
I don’t know what that means either.
Gold: You’re late every day and no one knows. You come into the office fully make upped and fed. You live 3 minutes from the office and have no excuse to be late.
Silver: You’re doing the best you can with a commute and full time fur-child. You’re late but also stay longer to make up for it. You work in finance.
Bronze: You’re only late when your child is sick in the morning. You’re a baby boomer. Congrats on bronze.
Being Too Much
Being too much is the real competition we don’t even know we’re winning.
Gold: You scare strangers (men at bars) away, the table next to you at Desperadoe’s asked to be moved because your table is too loud, a reader diagnosed you as bipolar in the comments, and someone once described you as, “like a live version of your tweets”
Silver: You write paragraph Facebook statuses with political opinions, odes to dead celebs, and life milestones.
Bronze: You’re just really effing loud and obnoxious.
Staying Friends With Exes
If you want to talk about gold medals in the athletic event of Staying Friends With Exes, I am the furthest from qualifying. And then there’s the specialized field of “Staying Facebook Friends With Exes Immediately Following Break Up And Not Creeping Their Profile” which is something that is real, and exists, and I’ve heard tales from those who’ve scored high in this category, and yet ever-still, I am not one of these qualifiers. I strongly believe you have to do what you have to do to get over someone, and if that means being immature and deleting him, fine, if that means murdering him and his family, fine.
I’m so comfortable blogging this because I’m so confident my exes won’t see it because I’m so confident they all died.
Gold: You’re “friends” with multiple exes on multiple social channels and also the occasional face-to-face casual, non-violent run-in wow congrats u deserve gold medal
Silver: You’re “friends” with an ex or two only on the rare occasion when mutual friends force interaction, but no digital following is involved. Silver for your civility.
Bronze: Some of your exes are FB friends but only cuz u too lazy to clean that ish out N i respect dat.
Staying Friends With Friends
Friends who live in different cities. High school friends. College friends. Friends from church. Friends from work. Friends in a suburb 25 minutes away. Friending is adulting’s cousin and it’s just as hard. Even with constant digital consumption, and texting, I find it a never-ending struggle to know what’s happening in my friends’ lives, much less the name of their newest niece.
If you’re keeping up with all your friends, you have to be constantly, texting, g-chatting, making dinner/coffee/drink/brunch plans, not reading books, and behind on politics news and laundry. BUT U DESERVE THA GOLD.
Some of us have blog children to tend to.
Gold: U have 3-5 plans with different friends this week and are in 3 group texts rn. U talked to high school and college friends all within the past week. Ur behind on work at ur job. 2Blessed2BeStressed.
Silver: You did a girls night and a coworker happy hour this month, but finished a season on Netflix alone.
Bronze: You see friends on Facebook and that’s literally enough. Ur blessed not stressed.
Moving In Your Twenties
I’m 25, have lived in Dallas 3 years, and will move into my 5th apartment with my 7th roommate this week. Does anyone feel sorry for me yet. Where is my freaking gold medal. I qualified my first year here, when I lived in 3 different apartments over 1 summer.
I’m the real Michale Phelps. I’m the real Simone. I’m the real Giselle-walking-in-the-opening-ceremony.
Silver: All in their twenties
CONGRATS ON BEING AN ADULT AND QUALIFYING FOR THE SAVING MONEY COMPETITION!!!!!!!! ADULTHOOD!!!!! WHERE NOT EVEN DRUGS DISQUALIFY YOU FROM COMPETING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no but really like people my age are buying cars and houses and i’m happy 4 them i’m so grateful to know them i’m so blessed by their blessings does no one else buy margs or rebeccas tho and y not tho.
Gold: You save 20% of every paycheck like clockwork SACRIFICING HOURS OF JOY AT BRUNCH AND DALLAS-MADE MARGS
Silver: You’re saving some money sometimes, BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO SIT ON BEYONCE’S FLOOR AM I RIGHT, THAT TICKET AINT GON BUY ITSELF
Bronze: Your money-saving is as sporadic and spontaneous as your desire to travel various places of this great nation, SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS, SEATTLE!!!!!! I SEE YOU SOUTHWEST CREDIT CARD!!!!!
Staying Culturally Relevant
Does anything you say matter if it isn’t tied to the latest trending meme? Are you even considered a funny person if you aren’t quoting a cult classic movie? Is your Twitter bio even a song lyric? Your cover photo a TV show? Do you even exist? Do you have a purpose for living? Do you even have a voice until you’re tweeting something under a trending topic that has potential to be viral?
Gold: You’ve played Pokemon-Go, laughed at a Trump gif, ironically or non-ironically tweeted a trending hashtag, and referenced Stranger Things or Broadcity all in the last 24 hours.
Silver: You know what’s happening between Turkey and Russia this week but haven’t heard about Tyga’s arrest warrant yet. HBD Kylie.
Bronze: You know what Kylie Jenner is wearing this second, but not how many golds this nation has won in Rio. You can quote Mean Girls, but not Sex and The City. You’re Gen Z and it’s fine, you’re fine.