Today One Piece Swimsuits, Tomorrow Adult Diapers


I bought this Macy’s suit here.  Yes, this is my body obviously.

My journey to respectable adult woman swimsuits was riddled with corpses, but I made it. I’m here. Tell me congrats.

I spent an unforgivable amount of money on just two swimsuits at Macy’s this summer. I would tell you how much but I would literally have to kill you. Investing in a few high quality items is a rare move for me. My natural way of shopping, if I’m going to spend a lot, is to try to get as many items as possible, and those items are usually cheap. So “investing” in “high quality items” like “womanly swimsuits” was something that stemmed from a mentality called “because I’m 25 now and I should own things like this.

It also stemmed from reading another blogger’s take on wanting to graduate from “skimpy, neon college spring break swimsuits” and I was like me too and I’m not easily influenced at all. This is 25.

So after going to Watermark one Sunday, I went to Macy’s and shopped for one pieces, like you do. And it was hard. But not because I want to murder myself in dressing room lighting, but because finding a one piece swimsuit that lies somewhere between the two extremes of “I’M TRYING TO HIDE FAT WITH ROUCHING AND DRAPING TECHNIQUES,” and “I’M IN A ONE PIECE BUT I’M STILL DOWN TO SLUT IT UP,” was a challenge.

Let me provide examples.

Exhibit A: This is an investment piece from  J. Crew, and to me, it says, “I hate my body and want to crawl in a dark corner, yet still proclaim I’m proud of my curves, just like Kelly Clarkson.”


Exhibit Tragic: This is a cheap piece from a trash can site and it says, “This one piece is me trying to stand out from the two-piece girls, while actually wearing less fabric than them.”

shopping (1)

You see the problem. Such is being the female consumer. I digress.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted this Calvin swimsuit, because I think I’m Kendall Jenner. But my 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th opinions all said I should get the ruffle sleeve one so alas. They said it was, “too high school swim team-y,” too which I said, “you’re too high school swim team-y,” because I’m mature and don’t take out my insecurities on others.

But I’m open minded, I’m a millennial, so I wasn’t stuck on one pieces only, I’m also an admirer of the high waist two pieces because I’m Taylor Swift.

If you’re in the mood to put your hot pink Victoria’s Secret spring-break-wear in the giveaway bag (or garbage bag) then congrats and welcome to 25.

Here are my favorite “I’m a respectable adult woman, but still in my prime and ready to party and not trying to completely hide my body, but still be like somewhat mature” swimsuits.


This deep V neck doesn’t gross me out. It’s chic. Ted Baker $129


Crochet is chic. Look how happy she is. $138


I hate structured cup two pieces BUT ALL FOR ONE PIECE CUPS esp if u have small boobs sorry $68

I also love this cupped one piece help.


SEE I LIKE COLORS SOMETIMES (??) this one has a rly rly cute back $110


am i about to buy this. Top: $49.95 Bottoms: $54.95


Hover mouse over images for my added commentary. Top and bottom both $59.

Have a great day being a female consumer of this world. Ever praying for you.


1 Comment

Filed under humor, style

One response to “Today One Piece Swimsuits, Tomorrow Adult Diapers

  1. Robin Shannon

    You’re learning the fun (and art) of being a girly girl.


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