This is a guest post and I’m mad bc it’s funnier than anything I’ve ever written.
So here it is. Guest post by Coach Mack Af.
My First Massage And Facial
It was a dark and cold Thursday. Just kidding it was fucking hot and sunny because it’s July in Texas. Yay summer. I pretend to work in a cubicle for a living and my office chair is fit for a prisoner. I’d be more comfortable if I was given the electric chair, I’m surely positive of that (saying positive is a mild stretch for an electric joke, bc of the + and – involved?? Stay with me). My back had been killing me for numerous countless days. All 4 of them! I just couldn’t take it anymore. It also doesn’t help that I sleep like a swastika so there is nothing in my life I do that doesn’t hinder back pain especially carrying the weight of all my sins and self loathing.
I’m starting to think it might be a good time to get my first massage — even though I think the whole idea is weird. I mean, have I really gotten to the point where I have to pay someone to touch me? Being single and attractive has never been so hard for me. So I Yelp some massage spas to find the most reputable, yet cheap, yet legit, massage business in a north Dallas suburb. I find the place I want to visit, BUT DON’T WORRY I IMMEDIATELY GOT ON REDDIT TO MAKE SURE IT WAS NOT AN AMP (Asian massage parlor) AND EVERYTHING CHECKED OUT. I shan’t be expecting any law enforcement raids while I’m in my unmentionables.
I go to the website to get my coupons and special deals and make a reservations online bc I am a millennial and I will not pick up the phone??? P.S. my job is to literally call people and sound chipper and if anyone knows me its that I am not chipper and I will ignore every phone call I every receive. Do not call me in a emergency if you are dying bc in my mind I am the one who is dying bc I am having an anxiety attack thinking of every possible reason why not to pick to up the phone. What if they want to hangout??? I can’t risk that.
I arrive to the spa 15mins before my reservation bc they want me to fill out some forms and ask me some questions. The girls at the front desk are beautiful and very talkative and I’m in love because they make me feel like I’m the only person in the room (I was, but still u know the feeling). I get compliments on my socks, they think I’m funny, I’ve stopped filling out the form and am checking my bank account to see if I have enough nickels for 2 engagements rings. I don’t. But I think they will still accept me for who I am. I cannot believe these smokeshows are about to touch me. But I’ve been wrong before. Out walks Paul Bunyan’s wife and she says I’m ready for you. I give this defeated look to my front desk loves and they knew.
I’m in the room now and PBW asks me to undress to my comfort level and she’ll be right back. My comfort level is putting more clothes on????? I’m under the covers now. She walks in and begins the process. OH. Forgot to mention: front desk ladies talked me into getting a facial so I guess they didn’t find me that cute. I’m laying on the table and I don’t know what to do with my hands. She tells me to relax and this figuratively the most unrelaxed I’ve ever been. And I’ve been on a first date before so my experience is extensive and reputable.
She ties my hair up, like I’m a toddler. Or a milf getting a facial. And she shines this ungodly bright light in my face to start pointing out my insecurities. Like yes I know I’m broken out and have oily skin bc I’m still in my gross teenager phase. Music is playing. It’s bongos. I’m into it. The room smells amazing. That was one of the coupons I got for being a first time client. I mean, I guess I like eucalyptus. Its like I’m breathing for the very first time. She starts off with a cream. It was cold.
She’s rubbing my face like she’s blind and is “trying to see what I look like.” PBW read my body like Braille. I don’t hate it though. I hope she’s enjoying it too. I guess I absorbed it all bc here comes cream #2. Its another cold one. Same rubbing patterns. Cream #3 is more of a paste that has rocks in it. Not my most favorite. Cream #4, it’s a cooling gel and I am satisfied with my experience again. Here is the big one. I was not prepared for this. WE (she) decided I needed a detox mask. So that is this step. Now, I have a sensitive face. Sensitive skin and soul in general. So am in no shape to receive anything acidic and hazardous and toxic. Does she care? We’ll never know. She does warn me tho, “Now this pumpkin seed mask might tingle a little. If it starts to burn, just let me know and we can take it off. But it never burns.”
I’m like ok cool u don’t know my face though, I have an RX for face cream that my insurance recently stopped covered and its $714 (that is the real actual number of how much it costs. No I don’t pay that I keep asking for the little free samples bc I know how to work the system), but by all means lets rub Halloween all over me. Ok first section is done and it’s like she used a gas station squeegee to plaster me. It doesn’t tingle. Or tickle one bit. It burns like a Jew and I can feel my exposed skull. My nose is gone now and I am forever he-who-must-not-be-named. Also, I fucking hate the smell of pumpkin. I think its gross and smells like an after thanksgiving black Friday gooch.
While my face is leaving my body, she covers my body like a slug with some goop that is basically Top Shelf Vicks Vapor Rub. Its unusual but I let it slide (slide?? I’m slippery rn?? That was an ok joke.) She is rubbing and pushing and pulling and kneading and kicking and biting and prodding me. I can’t feel my face and she is trying to rip off my limps like that torture wheel from the 1200s gladiator times or the wheel they throw knives at in the carnival. Side note, I hate carnies and midgets aren’t really people IMO.
Back to my face, I better look like a gd supermodel after this is over bc the pain is unbearable but I am a mysterious and tough and rugged man who has chest hair. Both of them! She leaves it on for awhile while she does my arms. Wipes it off and puts a cold gel on my exposed face bones. This is nice. Back to normal. I can handle the cold creams. It makes me jump each time I’m introduced to a new one, but I like it. She does this once more and then it happens. She starts digging into my face like she is looking for a Chilean coal miner. Is that still happening? She calls it “extracting” but my soul has already left and I have no idea what is left to get. I fucking hate people picking at my face. We get it, I have pimples. My ex used to do it. And I should have known. PBW is now apologizing and saying “this one isn’t ready.” Like no I know, I could have told u that, please stop juicing me???
She puts what I can only assume has cold cream number 31 on my face and I like her again. She lets it sit awhile. She puts some peppermint whatever in my hair and starts massaging my scalp. If anyone needs to know something about me that nobody should know, it’s that I love having my hair played with and my head rubbed. I would come back just for this part of it. Its euphoric and it ends way too soon. But I understand there is a process but I hate her again for stopping.
One final face cream to make it an even 40 applied and that part is over. Now it’s the massage. What I actually came in for today. I tell her Ed Zachary where my problem is: my shoulder blade. It’s literally the one spot. Just focus there. Please just touch the one spot under my spatula.. (its scapula but c’mon). Ok not, ur still not really near it, but we can warm up to it. Ok still not really going close enough. It’s about the size of a shoulder blade. I described what my shoulder blade was to her and not much else on my body resembles that so maybe she’s as deaf as she stupid?? I don’t know. We struggle with finding my tension for minutes. MINUTES.
Anyway, my time is up and she asks how I feel. I lie and say I feel good. I have no idea where I am or what time is. She offered me coconut water and I said thank u very much, are we on an island now. I get dressed and do my best to hide my sex hair. That’s a joke. I hope no cops read this. It was a totally normal place I promise. I walk out to the front desk to talk to my loves and I say, “Am I as beautiful as y’all now?” They giggle and ask how it went. I say I feel like I just lost a fight. I’m in more pain than when I went in. They giggle again. Except this time I notice one of them as teeth as bright as candy corn. Soft smiles are for u honey. I guess Halloween comes twice a year now. Is that joke still bad. So she says yes u’ll be sore for a few days and that will be $1000 and will it be debit or credit.
It’s still a fucking hot and sunny Thursday evening in Texas. And I’ve never felt more defeated.