Here’s the thing: I really want trendy, choppy, effortless, blunt, rolled-out-of-my-actual-bed hair. Just like lob girl above, and every celebrity, and all of your friends.
But I also want long hair. And a million dollars. So you see my problem. Here are my top reasons and general thoughts surrounding why I really do kind of but don’t at all but still do want a lob cut.
btw: lob = long bob. ok. i know my dad is reading this and wondering.
1. Because the second I cut my hair, it’s going to be out of style.
Listen, I’m not a walking Encyclopedia, I don’t know who, when, or why the lob was originated, but I know that by the time my indecisive ass has decided to cut my hair, EVERYONE WILL HAVE LONG HAIR AND I’LL DIE ALONE.
And do you even realize how long it takes the average female to grow her hair????? I have no freaking idea, but it takes me FOREVER so if I’m cutting it, I’m stepping into a marriage with a man I don’t even know if I like, I mean, you can’t divorce your scalp.
2. Is this a pixie cut? Am I a pixie cut?
Remember when LC cut lobbed her hair, and then she cut it again, and then I think she cut it again, and all of us were at our day job on Instagram like OH GOD SHE’S NOT STOPPING SHE’S STILL GOING IT’S HAPPENING.
That was stressful for me.
At what point do our lobs become pixies??????? Do our inner girls become inner women?????????? When does it stop, LC??????????????????????? I am scared.
3. Should I get a roman numeral tattoo?
Is my body as chic as my hair??? My hair is bad ass and effortless in a lob, but does my head match my body??? My inner match my outer?????? Do I want birds on my arms or numbers on my ribs????? How much pressure can one working-class millennial take???????????
Lobs are the pre-requisite for chic, dainty tats, and we all know it.
4. Do I really want healthy hair?
Am I ready to part from bonding time from my split ends? What am I supposed to do at red lights? I know you pick at your split ends too.
5. Are my cheekbones ready for this kind of commitment?
I have long hair, and you don’t even know what lies beneath. I’m hiding hamster cheeks under these front layers. Do I want to subject my delicate baby cheeks to the elements outside protection of my long hair? Can bronzer fix this?????
This keeps me up at night.
6. Do I look like I came straight out of Laguna Beach Season 2?
7. But is the rest of my life as trendy as my hair?
what is that skirt honest to god?? where is she? what outdoor chic event is this??? will my hair automatically get me clothes and outings like this???? will i have to start saying words like “vibes” all the time??? will i look ridiculous with my lob at chipotle and oversized Texas Tech shirt, help me oprah.
8. If I get a lob, I’m going platinum, I love it, It’s my thing, let it go.
If I’m going to get my lob on, I’m going to do it right AKA exactly like Jennifer Lawrence. It’s platinum lob or not lob at all, I am not extreme.