Whole30 Diary Part 1: This Post Has Curse Words

Wholey Hell. 

I should start off this blog post with the context that I prepared zero for this program. I went to bed last Tuesday night thinking, “I think I’ll start Whole30 tomorrow, lalalalala.”

The next day I ordered the book for same day delivery. I actual jumped into the deep end of sharks. While bleeding.

I quickly learned that knowing what to eat and not eat means you only know about 40% of what’s involved.

Let’s go over the Whole30 plan rly quick so you can understand the special hell I’m putting myself through

Saying goodbye to the following: 

• No sugar. This seems a fair way to start a 30 day diet, I’m on board.
• No alcohol. This is rude, but I understand.
• No grains. Not even quinoa? Ok, confusing, but fine.
• No dairy. Cheese isn’t fat-burning, I disagree, but got it.
• No legumes. OKAY NO. F**K NO. NO MAM. WHY THE F***. WHAT DID LEGUMES DO TO YOU? WHY MELISSA, WHY? WHY, GOD, WHY? WHY ME? WHY TODAY? WHY NOW? What did legumes do to be put in the same category as sugar and alcohol??? Is there a Mothers Against Legumes I don’t know about???? I feel personally attacked. Hummus is a core part of my religious beliefs. We should be boycotting whole 30 and marching for legume was that too far. JUSTICE FOR THE CHICKPEA.

I’ve done my reading and understand the science behind removing these food groups, I’m all in, but wow, give me hummus or give me death.

Lifestyle changes:

• No calorie counting, measuring, OR EVEN WEIGHING YOURSELF
• No imitation desserts. Like, even if a recipe is Whole30 compliant, doesn’t mean it’s Whoel30 approved. You cannot have cookies or pancakes in any form, because it perpetuates your cravings for sweets.
• It focuses a lot on internal health like anti-inflammation and hormone balances.
• Promotes a healthy relationship with food
• Helps you understand how various food groups affect you physically or mentally
• Helps you break bad eating habits and unhealthy cravings
• No snacking welcome to hell

Here’s My Daily Play By Play I’m Sorry Mom There Are F Words

DAY 1:  “It is not hard.” – A direct quote from Whole30 from the book.

Context of this quote is important. Here is the full quote:

“It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard.”

The book acknowledges that this is the most quoted line. It’s the ~infamous~ Whole30 quote. Melissa Hartwig is a recovering drug addict and her story is really sad and inspiring and brave and amazing but this blog post is not diving into that rn. Back to me, guys.

I of course 100% agree with her, but also AS A GIRL IN THIS WORLD JUST STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU ASKING TO BE LOVED, THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WANTED.

I’m fine.

Other than the extreme tough love, the book is a trove of knowledge and tips and I fully attest that you cannot survive this program without the book. The basics are online, sure. but how to actually survive, what to expect on a daily basis, the science behind it all, how to read labels, grocery shop, meal prep, cooking techniques, tips that make you smarter and faster in the kitchen — THIS IS WHOLE30.

And other than a ridiculously high weekly grocery bill, it’s the only thing you have to buy to “commit”. No membership or products to buy.

As you know, I didn’t read the book first. WHAT I LEARNED IS THAT WHOLE30 IS ACTUALLY WHOLE50. SO WHOLE30 THE GREATEST LIE OF OUR GENERATION. They want you to spend a few days to do 5 steps of prepping, then you do the 30 days, THEN a re-introductory of the normal foods phase that could last 10-20 days.

And I’ve already got Day 31 booked on the calendar, don’t worry.

Overall, Day 1 wasn’t bad at all. Day 1 of anything is a breeze, ammirite.

DAY 2: WELCOME TO THE SUGAR-STARVED HANGOVER

I am a healthy eater. My husband, coworkers, friends, and family can attest to this. I am health. SO EATING ACCORDING TO PLAN SHOULDN’T PHASE ME, RIGHT????? WRONG. F*CK**G WRONG.

Apparently I eat more legumes, grains, dairy, sugar, and alcohol than anyone in the world. I woke up day 2 and felt like every character on my 600 lb life. I was sluggish and tired and dead. It was like the allergy commercials where they put a gray filter over the real world to show what the world is like before taking Claritin. I also HAD A HEADACHE.

The book actually says you will “feel hungover” day 2 and I’m shocked and dismayed that they were right in my case. I AM A HEALTHY EATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As per usual, the office was ridden with unhealthy foods Day 2. But what’s amazing is none of it tempted me even slightly. Why?? Because I already felt like hell, and my worst fear was eating sugar and feeling even worse.

So as you can see, some of us have real problems. 

Okay here is a tragic/awkward/please-laugh-and-im-so-sorry story really quick.

That night, I picked up a Facebook Marketplace purchase. The woman who sold me dining chairs told me her husband died a couple months prior. I told her I was so sorry, that I can’t imagine, that I’d be praying for her, AND I MEANT THOSE THINGS. But I also had a moment like, “It’s okay, I’m doing Whole30,” as if it were a comparable situation.

imsosorry.

DAY 3: Why am I being punished for being perfect????

On day 3, my headache had not gone away and my parents flew into Dallas, what could go wrong. We went to Mi Cocina for lunch and it’s amazing how easy it was to stick to the plan at a place like Ol’ MiCo. Did I become the girl asking the waiter a million questions? Kind of. Did I eat 87 cups of guac? Oh, yes.

I’m sure there  was some questionable oil in the fajitas, or sugary-ladden salsa in the ceviche, or a troll hiding in the guac, but it was the best I could do.

My headache did not go away after eating a hearty Mexican meal. Like I know the book warns that you feel hungover day 2-3 but like I was still very annoyed lol?? Why am I being punished for following the plan??? For being perfect????????

That afternoon, I ate half of an RX chocoalte sea salt bar. I mostly just wanted something sweet… can’t say I was like, “hungry.”. As it turns out, both eating when you’re not hungry and snacking are highly discouraged on the plan BUT I GET SNACKY IN THE AFTERNOON GUYS, I’M ONLY A GIRL IN THIS WORLD.

And can I just say — MY HEADACHE WENT AWAY INSTANTLY. It was a joke. Apparently the sugarz in the RX bar cured the headache. Scary.

DAY 4: I resisted birthday cake and cookies, what do I win

My nephew’ss birthday party happened day 4 and I packed food in a cute lunch box and I was the chicest 5 year old in the room. If you’re following my very annoying #whole30journey on IG, you saw photos. Go follow @itsfineimfineblog on IG to see whole updates. It’s all extremely entertaining.

That night my family and I went to True Food Kitchen per my suggestion but I’m not selfish about my eating needs. EASY RIGHT? TRUE FOOD MENU IS LIKE 100% PLANT MATTER RIGHT? WRONG. it was excruciatingly hard to stay on plan at this restaurant. It was kind of a joke from a special hell. Every effing dish had quinoa or ancient grains or beans or chickpeas or soy or dairy.

The poke bowl. That was the Whole30 approved meal. I know it’s killing you to know.

DAY 5: Is it the apocalypse? No just my lunch box of healthy foods for the day

On Day 5, Lane and I drove to Crosby, TX TO GET OUR NEW BABY PUG BUT THAT’S ANOTHER BLOG POST FOR ANOTHER DAY.

We were in the car from 6am to about 4pm, which meant I had to pack all meals and snacks through dinner. I officially always look like I’m preparing for the end of the world, with just a suitcase of food on me at all times.

I cooked dinner and did some meal prepping on Sunday. And I’m sorry, but I have zero comprehension of how entire generations of people have cooked all 3 meals every single?? Meal prepping just once per week nearly kills me???? Also, how are people having children????? How are people having dogs plus children plus feeding themselves???? I just kind of don’t comprehend how anyone is living. 

DAY 6: Staying on the plan is easy, just never leave the house

I took the liberty of working from home on Monday because #Pugternity. Let me tell you, it was a breeze. 10/10 recommend never leaving the house to stay on the plan.

Side bar.

Being at home on weeknights is one of my favorite things. Lane or I will cook, then we’ll watch Mad Men on the couch while eating. It’s the routine. We also like to have **treatz** while watching TV. Halo Top and Reeses are the usual suspects, but we’ve been known to stop at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods for the real goods.

SOMEHOW, HAVING A LA CROIX OR HOT TEA IN PLACE OF TV TREATS IS JUST NOT THE SAME.

But this is all about learning new habits and breaking cravings. I guess.

DAY 7: “Augusta being on Whole30 is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” – A direct quote I overheard Lane say on the phone with his mom

Oh.

I’ve never cooked so much in my life and no one is more excited about it than Lane. I made salmon patties and he said it’s his favorite thing I’ve ever made for him.

Truly eye opening for all of us.

Also, I had so much energy on Day 7. My work day was stupid productive. It was like I was on speed or something. If you know anything about Whole30 you’ve heard of the ellusive “Tiger Blood” which is the burst of energy you get from ~~PURE HEALTHY LIVING~~ so maybe it was a lil taste of that???

Or was it just coffee jitters? I honestly can’t tell.

Okay so on night 7, I accidentally cheated. HEAR ME OUT. I made veggie bowls with ground turkey meat and THERE WERE FREAKING PEAS IN THE FROZEN VEGGIE MIX AND I LITERALLY DID NOT THINK TWICE ABOUT PREPPING OR EATING. I was falling asleep that night–true story–and popped my eyes wide open like, “PEAS. I ATE PEAS.”

hauntedbypeas.

itsfine.

The book encourages you to start over, like next day is day one again status, after slipping up/cheating, because even just a bite of the banned food groups can alter your body chemistry and ruin the “experiment.”

HONESTLY, OVER MY COLD DEAD PEA-FILLED BODY. EVERYONE CAN SUE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 8: Not eating an afternoon snack is very very very hard

I went 3 full AMERICAN DAYS, that’s MONDAY TO WEDNESDAY, without snacking at 3pm, y’all. Afternoon snacking is my truest weakness. OFFICE LIFE IS HARD! Nothing gets me through the day quite like eating literally anything at 3pm.

WHOLE30 HATES SNACKING AND APPARENTLY JOY. They encourage 3 square meals big and filling enough so that you don’t need to snack.

I honestly feel like I’m still getting the hang of the “meal template” and eat enough at meals in order to avoid snacking inbetween.

But also, the hours between lunch and dinner are excruciating. I wrote a short story about them.

The Afternoon Hours Are Like A Long, International Flight
You feel jet-lagged, you’ll eat anything anyone hands you, even if that someone is a complete stranger. You want alcohol, but you’re too afraid to ask because no one else is drinking, seems inappropriate. You have to pee but you don’t feel like dealing with the tremendous hassle of walking to the bathroom. You can hear the person next to you breathing. You can see what’s on their computer screen. You’re cold. Most of all, trapped in a cramped space that was designed to be comfortable for you and the only way out is parachuting out the window.

And I’m a first grader and I need afternoon snacks.

DAY 9: My first Whole Happy Hour

The book encourages you to not be a Whole30 hermit. And honestly, what’s worse, being the only non-drinker at HH, or having the FOMO. So I went home after work, ate a sweet potato-based dinner, and met my friends at a bar, where they proceed to eat delicious cheese-ladden meals, drinks, and desserts.

🙂

I also caved into an afternoon snack on Day 8 because nothing holds more power over me than 3pm office snacking. It was a Lara bar and some nuts, so it was on plan, but still. Not wholey.

🙂

So to recap. How does 9 days into Whole30 feel so far? 

Sleep.
Whole30 has most significantly impacted my sleep. I’ve never been a great sleeper, and I’m falling asleep faster and deeper than I can ever remember. It kind of feels like I’m being drugged lol. It’s truly bizarre.

Work outs.
I have not been working out very much. Not because I don’t want to but because I CAN’T WORK OUT AND COOK 892 MEALS A WEEK AND HAVE A FULL TIME JOB. AND GO TO VERY IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE LAST MINUTE HAPPY HOURS. I think once I get more in a meal prepping routine, I’ll get back into it.

Hunger.
The meals are truly so filling. I don’t feel “constantly hungry” but definitely by the time it’s the next meal, I’m hungry for it. I’m never starving or feeling desperate though.

Cravings.
CRAVINGS V HARD. I crave in the afternoons and at night. So only like 20 hours out of the day. Honestly, resisting habit cravings have been infinitely harder than resisting cake at a birthday or wine at a happy hour. Infinitely. Harder.

Energy.
My energy has been all over the place which is normal for the first week. Really low the first couple days but really picked up.

Feeling skinny lol.
I don’t feel any skinnier on day 9 than I did on day 1. That’s fine, very cool, I’m calm, this is casual, totally chill, BUT IF I DON’T LOOK LIKE A GD DCC GIRL ON DAY 31, I AM SUING.

Overall mental state lol.
Honestly, good. I promise I’m not as miserable as I sound in this blog post. I mostly just can’t believe I’m actually doing this. AND HERE IS THE KICKER: I’ve already decided this is how I want to eat as a go-to regular basis even after the plan is over. AM I PSYCHO? ASK ME AGAIN IN 20 DAYS.

What’s been the hardest:
3:00 P.M. CST

What’s been surprisingly easy:
I’m truly shocked at how well I’ve been able to just say no to things??? Like once you just accept and move on from the fact that you’re not going to eat the birthday cake, or the queso appetizer, or office donuts, or happy hour specials, you kind of just get over it? You truly can live without all these social gathering foods and not feel suicidal. It’s bizarre.

Now all I have to do this weekend is a birthday brunch, bachelorette pary, and going away party. WWW.ITSFINEIMFINE.COM.

thanks for reading and pls pray

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