#SuperBowl50: How to pretend you’re not here for only Beyoncé

What is “football”? What is it really tho? Honestly tho? Help tho?

I very much look forward to the Super Bowl every year. And by look forward to the Super Bowl I mean overeating cooler ranch Doritos and ranch dip. Fond memories there every year.

Because I’m generous, and care about the people, I’ve done the hard work of finding out exactly what you need to know on Sunday, February 7, 2016. And I do plan on nonchalantly dropping football knowledge bombs that will make my peers think I am a “football fan” and not only here for the half-time show because I’m definitely not obsessed with Beyoncé at all.

This post will actually be really embarrassing because now I’m forced to research football and like what is a conference send help.

Which team has the hottest quarterback

This is important. The answer is Kliff Kingsbury even though he’s a coach ok so anyways.

Because I physically can’t reference an even half-way attractive black man without saying the word “chocolate” here is where I say you need to root for the Panthers because their quarter back is hotter and chocolatier.

Which team sucks more

The Panthers. Probably. This is because they have only been to the SB one time so like I remember my first time playing in the SuperBowl. Like, that’s cute.

They’ve also never won the SB, so they’re “the current favorite” in America I guess. Because underdog. And apparently Lebron is rooting for Cam Newton so just remember that when you’re cheering for the Broncos like a lame white person.

The Broncos have been to the SB 7 times, which is Jesus’ number, so apparently Jesus is rooting for the Broncos, and they have won twice. Peyton Manning has been injured a lot or something blah blah blah wahmbulance.

But wait, there’s math

This is the first year that the NFL decided to skip the roman numerals. I.E., we’re all saying Super Bowl 50 and not Super Bowl L because how weird does L look. BUT DON’T WORRY because next year, we’re back to doing how the Romans do when in Rome and it will be Super Bowl LI.

Math. kindof.

What is Beyoncé going to sing tho

I’m basically indifferent to Bey’s and Cold’s new song, but LOVE ME some bollywood Beyoncé and flower walls. More of that, less of their song I’m sorry.

I originally heard that she and Bruno Mars would be  performing together, what happened to that???? Did I dream that??????? Maybe she’ll pull an “audible” #seeIknowsports and just sing her self-titled album, and not with Coldplay GOD BLESS.

Also, fun fact, she’s the first female to be invited back to perform at the SB twice. Let’s pray the left shark goes with her.

So like what is the event hashtag

#superbowl50.

And if you ask me who I’m rooting for, the answer is cooler ranch Doritos and ranch dip.

see u sunday bye

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Super Bowl 50 Panthers vs. Broncos Memorabilia Collection at SteinerSports.com