The Bachelor, Episode 9: I can’t, I have my guard up

Listen. I have something extremely important to say. I made chili tonight without following the recipe and I’m so impressed with myself it hurts.

Soules tells the camera he could see himself marrying all of the girls. He says four different version of that same sentence in his monologue before the dates. does anyone care.

First date: Kaitlin.

She is wearing really tiny pink shorts and I’m wondering if this is offensive to the culture. Freaking Americans.

She tells the camera she’s falling in love with Chris but like are you? Or are you in love with traveling and wine? She tells the camera she’s afraid she’s had her guard up too much during the show…… HAHAHAHA. HA. HAHA. HA.

Is this the same Kaitlin that asked Soules to plow her field????? The one that skinny dipped??????????????

#TBH, shows like this just ruin that phrase. Now it’s so commonly used, it’s going to be my new reason to sketch out of things. Hi, yes, boss, I can’t come into work today, I have my guard up. Friends, I’m not going out this Friday night, my guard is up this weekend. Cashier, hello, I’d rather not pay 5 cents for bags today, my guard is up rn.

okimdone

Soules tells a local Bali woman that Kaitlin is his girlfriend. So.

There are monkeys everywhere they go, and because I don’t have a soul, I’m entirely grossed out. I don’t do monkeys.

Chris sweats profusely every episode. I wonder if that’s why all the girls think they’re in love. Pheromones are real and they’re scary.

I think Soules is a nice guy and mostly genuine, but I just think he has a hard time articulating everything and isn’t very cerebral. Which is fine. Not all girls want to have deep talks about feelings/life, some girls just want a simple guy who will take care of her an THAT’S FINE THEY’RE FINE.

Now they’re eating dinner and they talk more about how Kaitlyn has her guard up and it’s more shocking to me than the fact that Jade posed for playboy. If Kaitlyn has her guard up, what does that make the rest of us??????

Sometimes I don’t think Kaitlyn is in love, only that she wants to make it farther on the show so that she has a shot at being the Bachelorette.

They kiss. THEN SHE OPENS A LETTER INVITING HER INTO THE FANTASY SUITE. scared. OF COURSE SHE ACCEPTS. WHERE IS YOUR GUARD RIGHT NOW, KAITLYN??????????????????

no one on this show has their freaking ~*~guard~*~ up.

They walk in and there is a huge bathtub filled with rose petals. DOES THIS NOT DECREASE THE VALUE OF THEIR POTENTIAL FUTURE HONEYMOON??????? even if i wanted to marry chris, i wouldn’t want to do this FaNtAsY SuiTeEe i dont think. RIGHT??idk.

They’re sitting in the suite and she tells Soules she’s completely falling in love with him and how she’s terrified.

He says nothing.

He kisses her.

ok.

He tells her he’s falling in love with her as well.

oh.

BUT HE’S ALSO FALLING IN LOVE WITH TWO OTHER GIRLS SO?????

i hate this show

She’s wearing a cute maxi dress, but literally we’ve all owned one exactly like it since 2012, like back in the days probably before any of our guards were up.

Date with whitney.

She runs up to him and hug straddles him so okay then her guard is DEFINITELY up today.

She’s hands down the tannest creature within 25 miles, and is wearing a hot pink top with short denim shorts. Another potentially offensive American outfit.

They’re on a yacht, wine and cheese involved.

i’m seasick. but thank God my guard is still intact.

Bali is beautiful but they have no idea because all they’ve done is kiss and stare at each other, they could be in Arlington for all they know, they don’t know where they are or what Bali looks like, it’s fine.

Now they’re talking but not really saying anything. Looks boring. Whitney talks about her concerns that her sister didn’t “bless their relationship.” And neither of them came to a conclusion and end up just kissing so what else is new.

They jump in the water. Are there sharks? Yes. I checked the google.

Whitney really likes Soules but is Whitney boring? Is Soules boring? Do they both think the other one is boring or does their boringness cancel out each other?

She’s wearing a long lime green dress for their dinner date and I have a mental block about lime green so this is hard for me. I do think Whitney is genuine though, so that’s refreshing.

Oh hell. Soules said his biggest insecurity is his hometown and asks her how she really feels about living there, with 500 other people and nothing else to do. He reminds her that she would have to drive 3 hours to the nearest town to pursue her career. (HAHA KILL ME) She literally sips the biggest gulp of wine. IDK IF I COULD DO IT IF I WERE HER.

She should just be a housewife. So. Why work. Why breathe.

She tells Soules she’s worked so hard to get where she is in her career, but that she’s always wanted to be a wife and mom. but SHE SAID SHE’S NOT FULLY HAPPY because she just wants to be a wife and mom, but is thankful she has a career to fall back on. So I guess that was levelheaded? She just freaking wants babies.

She said she feels life takes you places and it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with.

so that’s sweet.

He tells her he could see her being a part of his family. I AM GETTING TIRED OF THAT COMPLIMENT, I NEED A NEW COMPLIMENT, I NEED NEW WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, I’M TIRED I’M BORED.

Soules pulls a letter out from under the table clothe okay then. UGH THEY BOTH GO TO THE FANTASY SUITE. HIS SECOND FANTASY SUITE OF THE WEEK. THIS IS GROSS.

WHERE IS GUARDS R US, WE ALL NEED TO BUY ANOTHER ONE. EVERYONE PLS PURCHASE NEW GUARDS AND PUT THEM UP.

The camera shows another ridiculous bedroom, and insanely huge bathtub, rose petals and candles OUT THE ASS.

ugh

daf;klkd;l;ksdfkljafl;afkl;sdadfls

They close the curtains and we get it.

What I would give to know everyone’s birthdays and zodiac signs rn. #LoveCompatibilityIsReal #UnlessIDontLikeWhatItSays

Date with Becca

Soules is wearing an orange shirt and I don’t like it. They’re walking around fields, showing Bali people working while wearing the cone hats. Snapchat worthy moments all around us.

Soules tells the camera he’s worried about the fact she’s never been in love HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH he’s in for such a treat later on if that bothers him.

Boring date. I started reading red carpet fashion articles. All Becca talks about is how she’s a virgin. WE KNOW YOU’RE A VIRGIN, WHAT ELSE THOUGH. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE. She hasn’t even told him she’s a virgin and it’s all she talks about, still, somehow.

Side note: I have total respect for Becca’s decision to wait until marriage, I think that is awesome and cool and more people should do that SO THERE.

Dinner time. Soules is wearing lavender. Becca is wearing her guard.

He looks nice. He tells the camera he’s afraid Becca won’t fall in love with him, which I guess is understandable. SOULES ALMOST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR BECCA Y’ALL. SHE SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY FROM THIS pulling myself together.

Whether it’s true or not, she finally just caves and tells Soules she’s falling for him. Here we go. God bless. Scared for everyone. He pulls out the letter. I can’t watch. I can’t do another fantasy suite. I hope she says no.

SHE IS HESITATING.

SHE HASN’T ANSWERED.

SILENCE.

commercial break god murder me we’re back. She says she does want to spend more time alone with him OKAY ANNNNNDDD???? IS SHE JUST  NOT GOING TO DEFINE WHAT TIME ALONE MEANS??????????????

They’re walking into the bedroom together. More champagne. More roses. More candles. More bath. More sorrow and pain.

Oh. They’re talking in the bedroom and the camera is letting us see it. It’s happening. She’s telling him. She told him.

“i’m glad that you, … I .. it’s not easy to respond. I respect that in a lot of ways. I would be lying if I said that suprrises me. I think it says a lot about who you are,” Chris said.

SO IDK WHAT’S GOING ON BUT SHE IS STILL GOING TO FANTASY SUITE WITH HIM. PRAYING 4 U BEC.

The next day, Soules tells us he’s falling in love with Becca but that’s he’s more confused than ever about a “conversation they had that morning about their futures.” He’s officially said he’s falling in love with every girl. He said he wants all three of these girls to be his family. He’s crying to the camera and it’s hard to watch. He doesn’t want to cut any of them.

Do I feel bad for him? I don’t. Sorry. He planted three seeds, he watered them, AND NOW HE’S MAD THAT THERE ARE THREE PLANTS. YOU’RE REAPING WHAT YOU SEW, PRINCE FARMING.

I think he’s going to cut Becca.

Now the Chrises are bromancing it out talking about the women. Soules is still confused after talking to Harrison so what’s the point of anything right now.

Ceremony time.

It’s funny because they’re all wearing Bali clothes. They’re at one of the most sacred temples in all of Bali LOL IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S THE BACHELOR. WHO LET THEM IN HERE.

All of the girls are in love with him, he’s in love with all of them, what do we do. What happens. Everyone is going to get hurt IT’S FINE.

Before handing out roses, he pulls Becca aside.

Whitney tells the camera that Becca told her that she thinks she’s going home.

Ugh Becca is so sweet it kills me. She’s doing all the talking. STOP TALKING. UGH SHE IS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HIM. STOP. stop. stop.

he’s trying to break up with her and she won’t stop talking. being self aware is hard.idk what’s happening. ???????

They’re walking back to the rose ceremony holding hands,??????? This, right after both Kaitlyn and Whitney told the camera they just know he’s sending her home.

NOTHING IS EVEN WHAT IT SEEMS.

Whitney gets first rose.

BECCA GETS THE SECOND/LAST ROSE DEAR GOD THIS IS NOT AT ALL WHAT I WAS EXPECTING OK. OK. BREATHING.

Like Kaitlyn was literally just gushing to the camera how happy and excited she was that Becca was leaving.

There is a monkey crawling around in the background.

She asks him what happened? Chris whispers back. He said he doesn’t even understand himself, but that it’s been an excruciating week. She starts choking up. Crying while wearing pink lipstick is hard so good for her.

A rooster just crowed, honest to God.

Chris is still talking.

She just stands there silent, kind of choking up, but not shedding tears really. Now she puts her face of make up into his stark white shirt. hard to watch. somehow there’s nothing on his shirt when she walks away. WHAT BRAND OF MAKE UP IS SHE WEARING? SHIT

she’s in the car crying. but it’s the soft-tears crying that changes your eye color and makes you pretty. she’s fighting the seatbelt. she said it’s the most humiliating moment of her whole life.

Chris is also crying.

She’s sad but IS SHE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE???????????

Next week is girls tell all AKA I just want Kelsea to talk about herself the 90% of the time, and see if Britt murders Carly the rest of it.