Episode 8: Am I crying?

Age: 25 Occupation: Chiropractic Assistant Height: 5’5″ Tattoos: Two

The episode opens up with Chris taking out Becca, the most forgettable character on this season of the Bachelor.

In true basic form, she walks up in a peplum top, statement necklace, and ankle booties. She looks like every white girl that has literally ever been, or could literally never even.

She tells Chris she’s NEVER fallen in love. She’s only 25 so it’s not that big of a deal. However…

It’s safe to say Becca has never experienced any of the following:

  1. Oreos and milk
  2. Watching the episode of The Office when Michael proposes to Holly
  3. Going out with your friends, all wearing black, and making up stories to strangers the whole night

Then she tells him she really likes him, wants him to meet her family, i’m so bored i’m sleep-blogging etc.

They kiss in front of a sunset, and ABC made sure to film their silhouettes against the blindingly orange sky. Beautiful. die.

Back at the mansion, Britt is crying. But my dinner is so delicious I don’t care. She thinks she’s going home because of her actions last night. I think she’s going home because I swear to Matthew, Mark, Luke, AND JOHN that her make up is tattooed on.

htg has she ever been without smokey eye and bright lipstick? anyone????

She’s still crying. She’s really pretty so it’s really hard summoning my inner sympathy for her. I’m sry.

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I tweeted this screenshot of an instagram because i am sophisticated and mature and exercise self control

I tweeted this screenshot of an instagram because i am sophisticated and mature and exercise self control

Jade tells the camera that she is going to tell Chris about her playboy past at the cocktail party BUT PLOT TWIST THERE IS NO COCKTAIL PARTY HAHAHAHAHA

I’m actually glad. i love a decision maker. good 4 u chris, making the decisions.

Britt stops the rose ceremony and pulls Chris aside for a chat. the other girls gossip about how she’s so manipulative and how pissed they are for her stopping the ceremony. but britt is prettier than all of them so i would be insecure too.

They’re alone. Chris tells Britt that the other girls in the house said she was lying to him about her reaction to his hometown. She starts to get choked up defending herself, saying on the drive back was when her mind changed. “Was it Carly who said this?” Britt asks. “DOES IT MATTER?” Chris retorted, actually raising his voice. Britt says Carly has “something against her.” Chris is visibly upset. He is over this shit. “The way Carly reacted was what I want in my future. The way you reacted is something I don’t want…” she stopped him and said she understands and they just stop talking abruptly and oh my god. They stand up.

I’m tense right now. Britt tells him everything she ever told him she meant, YET SHE IS WALKING OUT. OMG THEY HAD SO MUCH CHEMISTRY. They tell each other thank you, but Chris could barely get the words out.

She is outside of the mansion, and she is SOBBING. Like YELL-SOBBING. She is doubled over sobbing. God i’m in pain. She is sitting on the street sobbing.

me rn help

WHERE IS THE EFFING LIMO???? WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON???? SHE IS ALONE ON A STREET CRYING IN THE COLD, INTENSE PIANO MUSIC IS PLAYING AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE TRAGIC IN MY LIFE GOOD GOD SOMEONE DO SOMETHING

omg now she’s talking to the camera about Carly. “Why would she lie to Chris, I really trusted her, why would she do this to me..”

So she’s not crying about Chris, she’s crying about Carly?

WHO WERE YOU TRYING TO DATE THIS WHOLE TIME, BRITT, CARLY OR CHRIS?????????????

I guess I just hate girls.

Five girls left. Whitney, Jade, Becca, Katilin, Carly. Enough to make a girl band if this whole Chris thing doesn’t work out. And now I’m eating the dark chocolate I bought as a gift for someone else.ok.

Whitney gets the first rose. She is the most eager person on this planet. More eager than any freshman who has ever gone to rush or senior to a career fair.

whitney standing with the other girls after receiving a rose.

Becca gets second rose and I already forgot.

Chris Harrison pops in the room out of actual nowhere and points out the obvious. Last rose. Ok we got it.

OH PHUCK

JADE, PORNSTAR NEXT DOOR, GETS THE LAST ROSE. WHICH MEANS CARLY FROM ARLINGTON, TX IS GOING HOME.

bye fe-leash-uh

She is very upset on the way home in the limo. “Why doesn’t anyone want me? What’s wrong with me? I always end up in the exact same place.”

i want to be a sarcastic, heartless bitch right now but it’s hard.

Ugh it’s sad, y’all. am i crying? it’s sad. I always want to make fun of the girls when they get sent home but then they spill all their inner most depressing low self esteem thoughts and it’s just sad and painful for everyone.

Now Chris is visiting four effing hometowns. Can YOU EVEN IMAGINE????? FOUR FAMILIES. MURDER. Families are so intimate?!?!?!!? And if I do the math right, that is THREE potentially really cool families YOU JUST WON’T SEE AFTER THIS SHOW. BUT GO AHEAD AND FORM THOSE BONDS AND CONNECTIONS. TWIST THE KNIFE.

Hometown date with Becca: Shreveport, Louisiana

#Louisiana

They’re in a canoe in a body of water that potentially has alligators so okay then have fun. She tells Chris it’s the first time she’s brought a guy home and I remember my first painfully awkward revelation to a boy i like.

He walks in the house holding flowers which is nice, and they’re not roses, which is wise. He hands them to mom. Cute home.

“I’ve never seen Becca around a guy.” -The sister at the dinner table.

Oh.

“I’ve never seen Becca hold hands with a guy.” -someone else.

Oh.

Is Becca a lesbian? Becca is a lesbian.

The sister pulls Chris aside and tells him she’s not an intimate person (haha?), and typically isn’t affectionate in public. SO?? WHAT IS THE SISTER TRYING TO DO HERE? MAYBE TOUCH ISN’T ONE OF HER FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.

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my love languages. I actually don’t like to see or touch the people i love, so.

Now Chris is talking alone to the mom, who says “You can mess with me, don’t mess with my kids.”

god.

She tells Chris she’s concerned about how big of a deal it is for Becca to be hugging/kissing/hand holding because she doesn’t freely just do that, and for him to be doing that with 4 other women REALLY upsets mama bear.

sCaRyYy

Now Chris and Becca are kissing and saying goodbye, but then Chris tells her that she has something to show her and to come with him. They go to a fair WHICH LOOKS FUN they’re getting on a ferris wheel.

WOW IT IS GOING TO SUCK HARD WHEN HE DOESN’T GIVE YOU A ROSE, HAVE FUN ON THE FERRIS WHEEL. ENJOY YOUR YOUTH.

They kiss the whole Ferris wheel ride. So scared for her heart right now. God. she is actually going to murder herself because this is getting deep and i don’t see him choosing her.

longest ferris wheel ride ever. Did y’all know Becca is a virgin? So that doesn’t pack on an added later of suicide at all God bless.

Whitney’s hometown: Chicago.

HE HAD IT COMING etc

“Instead of a tour of Chicago, I’m giving you a tour of my life. Let’s go make a baby.”

Good one, fertility nurse.

They change into scrubs and he tells the camera she looks sexy in scrubs. She also tells the camera he looks sexy in scrubs. god ok enough of that.

She loves this because her job is scientific and she gets to sound smart.

Why don’t any of my boyfriends want to come visit me at my job? SOCIAL MEDIA IS EXTREMELY SUPERIOR TO MOST CAREER PATHS SO.

my linkedin profile

oh mygodNO. NO. NO . NO. NO NONON NO WHITNEY WANTS TO TEST CHRIS’ SPERM AND HE HAS TO GIVE HER A SAMPLE wait it’s a joke

ok

srry

fell for that one

being gullible is really hard

Visiting Whitney’s family is really different. She was raised by a single mother, who is dead now. So. I might actually cry on this hometown visit. i’m sad.

im sad

imsad

Whitney’s sister, brother in law, uncle, and grandma are there. Uncle Johnny seems like every movie-character dad ever, he looks fun, god this is sad, this is so effing sad.

Now Chris is sitting alone with Uncle Johnny. Johnny describes whitney as both strong and vulnerable, which Chris tells the camera is exactly how he feels about Whitney, but has never been able to put it in words.

Whitney is alone with her sister, gushing about Chris, saying it’s real love. But her sister is all about tough love and is hinting that Chris could still cut her HAHA dream-crusher. Then Whitney pressures her sister to push Chris to propose to her.

woah.

ok.

It’s scary watching Whitney force this on her sister. This is awkward and not at all how me and my sister talk to each other. The sister won’t give her a supportive, straight answer, because she has a brain.

Now the sister is talking alone with Chris, AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER OF QUESTIONS SHE WANTS TO ASK HELP ME #PRAY4CHRIS.

LITERALLY WORDS HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN SPOKEN AND HE ASKS “If it gets to that point, can i ask for your blessing to propose to Whitney.”

AREN’T WE JUMPING THE GUN A LITTLE?? ARE YOU ALLOWED TO ASK THAT? The sister does not really answer the question and it’s fine.

Now Chris and Whitney are alone. God Whitney is so obsessed with Chris it hurts.

SHE PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF WINE THAT SHE SAID SHE HAS BEEN SAVING TO SHARE WITH THE MAN SHE IS GOING TO MARRY

SHE STARTS CRYING TALKING ABOUT IT

SHE CANNOT TALK SHE IS SO CHOKED UP TELLING CHRIS SHE LOVES HIM

watching at home

LIKE WUT am i crying?

they kiss

HOW IS HE ABLE TO GO ON TWO OTHER HOMETOWN DATES AFTER THIS???????????????? MY STOMACH LITERALLY HURTS RIGHT NOW I’M TOO INVOLVED I’M DATING FOUR WOMEN, ONE JUST CONFESSED HER LOVE, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Hometown with Kaitlyn: Pheonix

idk where this gif is from sue me dnt hate me I’m sry

Idk how i’m going to go on with this. Kait has two tattoos on the back of her upper arms because she’s in a gang.

she tells him he looks good in pink, he tells her she looks good in everything. DOES YOUR TIME WITH WHITNEY NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.

i just

this is stressful. i can’t even watch him flirt with the other girls after Whitney’s hometown date, like it’s blood boiling, like he’s just cheating at this point, like i can’t.

They go to a recording studio to rap which is funny BUT IT’S NOT LOVE SO WHAT’S THE POINT.

Now they’re meeting the family, they tell her she’s glowing, GOD I HOPE NOT. I CAN’T DEAL WITH A PREGNANT KAITLYN.

god. After spending time with her fam, they leave together to a huge, glowing billboard that says “Kaitlyn <3’s Chris” and he lifts her in the air and I vomit BECAUSE WHITNEY WHERE IS WHITNEY IS IT TIME TO CALL HER YET.

WHERE’S WHITNEY am i crying?

Hometown with Jade: Nebraska

“I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me today.” -Jade, worried about telling Chris about her Playboy past.

DO YOU??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Now Chris is alone with her dad, and he tells her that he’s falling in love with Jade and I’m actually pissed off. The dad hints to Chris that there is a side to Jade he hasn’t seen HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHAHHAAH it’s funny because everyone has seen all sides of Jade, it’s on the google.

jade’s brother tells the camera they need to be able to tell each other their deepest darkest secrets or it’s not going to work. Feel so bad to the little brother.

Jade looks exactly like her dad and it’s scary. “I want you to find somebody who doesn’t put you down for being you.” her dad says. AW. really supportive, so sweet it’s sad. am i crying? She starts crying. AW.

YOU WOULD THINK SHE HAS SO MANY DADDY ISSUES, BUT HER DAD IS SO COOL AND SUPPORTIVE SO I DONT GET IT.

ok Jade just showed Chris her nude photos (OH AND A VIDEO LOL PLOT TWIST) on the internet and I have nothing to blog about it because it was that anti-climactic. The tweets don’t lie.

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At the rose ceremony, Jade is left without a rose. She’s also wearing a STUNNING long one-sleeved black dress, so really is she losing at all? Like this dress is phenomenal. Killer exit dress.

I actually feel bad for her.

She’s crying in the limo, real actual tears. She’s not even talking. Juuuuuuuuuuuuust crying and exhaling and not looking at the camera. Painful.

now she’s talking. She said she didn’t see it coming, which, like, okay come on. Chris is crying back at the mansion, or wherever they are, I honestly don’t know where he is, but his head is in his hands, crying, which almost makes me ask myself if i’m crying now too. ok.

Jade is gone, but her SEO is not forgotten.

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1 Comment

Filed under The Bachelor Chris Soules

One response to “Episode 8: Am I crying?

  1. Aunt Robin

    Well, I’m crying!! Love your post, as usual. You captured it all. Love, love. This season has been a good one to make fun of.

    Like