The Bachelor, Episode 2: Fabric softener has nothing on Chris Soules

The show jumps right in. Like no intro. I was a little confused and thrown off, it was so abrupt. Like hi ok then catching breath now.

As we all saw on the last episode, Kimberly walked back into the mansion AFTER she got cut, circa 5 A.M. Now we get to see what happens. I can’t think of anything worse than still wearing heels at 5 A.M. being cut after staying up ALL night.

*Kimberly and Chris standing outside in the daylight wearing cocktail hour clothes*

“I feel like I’m supposed to be here … I can’t walk away that easily.” -Kimberly
Chris sighs. 

*Cut to Soules pouring his heart out to Harrison*

“If I let her stay, what kind of message does that send to the other girls?
Then Harrison said the deepest thing ever. “This is your life so there are no rules.”

*Cut to Kimberly saying she feels bad putting Chris in a tough spot*

OH so the YOGA TEACHER doesn’t want to “put him in a tough spot” OH OKAY. EYE ROLL FROM ALL HER YOGA CLIENTS WATCHING THIS AT HOME.

HE decides to keep her because he is literally the softest marshmallow at the campfire. Newsflash: Soules is going to be eaten alive by these women. Everyone is going to manipulate the actual shit out of him.

Souls walks out in the hottest pink button up top i’ve ever seen and while I can respect a man in pink, I’m not just happy right now. In fact, I’m sad.

Harrison spends at least 18 minutes, I swear to God, pumping the women up, and tells them that Soules is living just down the road, to which they all lose their shit. Is it THAT exciting??????????????? It’s not.

The first group date is announced. Message: Show me your country

This is where I start to get annoyed. This tells me Soules is looking for a girl to fit this “type of girl” this idea in his head. which MEANS ALL THE NON-COUNTRY GIRLS  ARE GOING TO FEEL UNWANTED AND OUT OF PLACE. i’m not a country girl i’m not biased to hating this date at all.

“I’m more kardashian than i am country.” -Ashely I, the virgin. no same Ashley, like I get it.

KIMBERLY BETTER IMPRESS MY ASS OFF ON THIS GROUP DATE.

I also can’t stand girls who refer to Soules as “my future husband.” die in a fire.

Now all the girls are in bikinis because everything about this show is absolutely predictable.

What exactly about being in a pool half naked together is country?????????

Kimberly and Soules talk alone. They’re both still half naked. Nothing significant happened in this conversation.

Back at the mansion, Jillian and Megan are running off together causing mischief and my only question here is WHAT IN GODS NAME IS GOING ON WITH JILLIAN’S BIKINI BOTTOM?????? THE PRODUCERS ACTUALLY HAD TO BLACK IT OUT. HOW HARD IS IT TO WEAR A BIKINI BOTTOM WITH COVERAGE??????

i’m so uncomfortable.

Now all the women are walking on the street in heels and swimsuits. I’m not saying I would commit suicide if I were there, I’m just saying I would jump in front of an actual moving  vehicle.

Soules of course is fully clothed.

Soules announces there is going to be a tractor race downtown. The women are basically naked, in streets of a big city, and now they’re driving tractors. There will be no visits on http://www.farmersmeet.com tonight because all farmers in America are watching The Bachelor.

I think one of the girls is drunk driving a tractor. God bless America.

Soules tell them to start their engines but like CHRIS, TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE PLEASE. I’m rooting for the Kim Kardashian look alike.

The tractors are extremely slow. and i’m bored. i actually checked Facebook while they raced but THE KARDASHIAN WON SO I WANT TO MEET KYLIE JENNER. Soules and the Kardashian leave the group.

Cut back to all the girls who didn’t win the race. One of the girls revealed that she has a daughter and an ex husband. He killed himself right after their daughter was born. She cried as she told the girls. I’m not even there and I’m incredibly uncomfortable. Hard. All the other girls are showering her in support. like what do you even say to that.

hi i barely met you but i’m sorry you went through this extremely hard time, i’m half drunk and don’t know the first thing to say to you, but i’ll see you at the ceremony tonight, hoping chris picks me over you.

I get that a lot of people have tragic stories, but if your only goal by sharing your story is to get sympathy, I’m over you. imoveryou.

After Soules and Kardashian finish their wine on the tractor, he revealed he wanted to finish the night with Mackenzie. Said the Kardashian, “I feel jipped,” because he isn’t spending the night with her after she won the race. YOU HAVE AN EFFING VIDEO GAME NAMED AFTER YOU, YOU’RE FINE.

I hope the date with Mackenzie is at a hair salon because girl is having so many follicle issues  i can’t even.

Cut to nightfall. Nice restaurant. Mackenzie is 21 with a child and bad hair. She boldly claims, “I”m suuuuuuuuuper observant to weird stuff,” and calls him out on noticing he used to have a pierced ear. He is visibly embarrassed. I love it. Then she goes on and on about how she likes men with big noses, and how he has a great nose.

“I’ve never had this conversation on a first date,” Soules tells the camera.

She asks him if he believes in aliens. He is NOT into it. And this is the guy who kept the “plow fields” girl.

Now my friends and I are arguing about whether it’s ok or not for her to be saying such weird things. My opinion: NO IT’S NOT OKAY. YES IT’S WEIRD. THIS IS THE FIRST DATE. YOU’RE ON EFFING NATIONAL TELEVISION. THE PRODUCERS ARE PAYING FOR EVERYTHING. IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO???????? FREAKING ALIENS????????? YOU’RE TRYING TO GET A MAN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU’RE RAMBLING ABOUT ALIENS. OKAY.

Then she told him about her son, and it was honestly the most normal thing she said all night. Soules tells the camera that it’s attractive how passionate she is about her kid. ok then. He gives her a rose. LOLOLOLOL

“She wore the ugliest dress the first night, then got one of the first dates, which truly shows guys don’t care about fashion.” -Paige Skinner

and GOD SHE IS SO RIGHT. AND WE’RE MAD.

The next date invite is for Megan. Message: Love is a natural wonder.

Back at the mansion, it’s girl chat with Mackenzie, where she said that Soules kissed her “FIVE TIMES.” But…. did he?? or is this is a lie??? I don’t remember this. i probably would have Snapchatted it.

Soules walks in and everyone acts like he is a One Direction band member. He is wearing a good shirt this time. Blue button up. He whisks Megan away. He takes her to a helicopter. They go for a sky ride. Where have I seen this before? Oh that’s right, every Bachelor/Bachelorettte episode ever made. 

She’s not even Snapchatting the experience. Why even go.

I can’t decide if I would even like this because I’m afraid of heights. But Megan likes it. She said it’s an opportunity of a lifetime. It’s not, Megan, but we’re praying 4 u.

She’s wearing a hot pink tank top. It’s essentially a hot pink wife beater. I apologize for blogging the graphic nature of this content and sorry for making everyone puke just now, but I mean it literally when I say HOT PINK WIFE BEATER TOP.

Megan tells Soules the story of her dad dying. It’s honestly really sad. Anyone with half a soul would think this is sad. Her dad died of a heart attack. But like…………………….

Is this REALLY first date convo material???????? I think every girl on The Bachelor always tries so unbelievably hard to prove that she’s been through something really traumatic or sad. Like I get it. But stop pls.

“It was the perfect day with the perfect person.” -Soules.

OH SHUT YOUR FILTHY F*%#ING MOUTH, SOULES.

he gives her a rose. drink your wine. Megan said she’s never felt this way about a guy. Which, LITTLE GIRLS AND IMPRESSIONABLE TWENTY SOMETHINGS AT HOME READING AND WATCHING, THIS IS NOT A VALID REASON TO MARRY SOMEONE.

The next group date is announced. Message: Til death do us part. 

HOPE SOMEONE DIES TONIGHT.

The girls arrive at a Haunted House, and scarey costumed actors are attacking them in the Limo. They all scream. It was really dumb. Then they took shots of fireball before exiting the Limo.

“I want to be on the bachelor just so I can drink for 6 weeks straight.” -KK, five seconds ago at my apartment.

It’s a paintballing date where they shoot zombies. Ashely S. (crazy onion girl) is determined to shoot other girls. Which is too amazing. I hope she does. Because this is reality TV and this is America and I’m on my 2nd glass of wine and literally everything is fine.

Zombies are attacking them, they’re shooting zombies with paintball guns, and this looks fun I guess. I would sprain my ankle, but it would be fun. I think.

Then Ashley walks around and shoots the already dead Zombies. She is whispering quietly to herself tip toeing around the silent park, shooting non-moving objects. ok.

Back to the mansion, all the girls are wasted with face masks on. Jordan is the girl “who is drunk every day,” said one of the other 984523 white girls. Jordan is now twerking on the wall. WE’RE ALL JUDGING JORDAN, BUT WE WOULD ALL PROBABLY BE HER FRIEND IF THERE,  IF NOT JUST BE HER.

Soules and Plow My Field Girl are alone. She has kind of an annoying laugh but I’m 87% sure I would be her friend. Soules calls her a firecracker. HE LOVES CRAZY WOMEN. She talks about that one time when she lived in Europe which by the way, science has proven if you talk about that one time you lived in Europe, men find you 3.5x more attractive.

Crazy girl Ashely S. needs to be medicated. She has so many issues and all the girls are freaked out by her. She goes up to Soules and says, “let’s go hide,” in a really creepy tiny voice. Even Plow My Field confirmed that Ashley isn’t acting. She’s legitimately mentally disturbed.

Britt, The Crier, makes out with Soules, who by this point has kissed 3 girls, I think. He really likes her and she’s pretty. But she’s a waitress from L.A. so we all know she’s an actress using Chris to get in the industry.

Kaitlyn, Plow My Field girl, gets the pre-ceremony rose. Which obviously pisses everyone off. hehehehehe

At this point, I’ve written over 1700 words, eaten about 14 thousand sea salt and vinegar chips, and consumed 2 wines, so I  might have 8 hands. I’m ready for a rose ceremony.

Kardashian proceeds to tell a lot of the girls that she is a virgin. I think she is doing it to get attention, and because she thinks that’s what Christ wants to hear. The girls’ reactions confirm this sentiment. If she really is a virgin, then at least we’ll know she’s not a Kardashian.

Mackenzie is telling her how jealous she is, how she wishes she was a virgin, how Chris will love that, blahblbhablhalbhlablah.

Not even 4 seconds later, THE KARDASHIAN VIRGIN is TONGUE DEEP IN SOULE’S MOUTH like i’m not making this up, he is a 45 degree angle away from laying on top of her on a couch on the porch. She looks like Jasmine barbie. This is AFTER she told him she’s a virgin, but somehow i  missed that because it all happened so fast and i’m scared.

THE CRIER, BRITT, IS, YOU GUESSED IT, FREAKING CRYING

NOW SOULES IS MAKING OUT WITH A BLACK GIRL LITERALLY WHO EVEN IS SHE AND IS IT DECEMBER 31ST, 2014 BECAUSE I REMEMBER MY FIRST LONG SLEEVE SEQUIN MINI DRESS

Jordan is blackout. The TV just showed that her occupation is student, so suddenly it all makes sense. She’s an undergrad. She’s just treating every night like it’s Texas Tech boy’s bid night and God bless. She is wearing a long white ball gown, no doubt trying to give off a wedding vibe.

I can’t keep track of how many women Soules has kissed so I’m having flashbacks to Juan Pabs rn.

The crier is annoying but she might be the prettiest psycho this season.

A GIRL FELL WALKING TO GET A ROSE AND IT WAS JUST AS HILARIOUS AS IT SOUNDS.

“I think I deserve a rose more than the girls who are drunk or just, like crazy,” -Jade

TELL THAT TO THE MILLIONS OF DRUNK GIRLS WATCHING THIS SHOW AT HOME RIGHT NOW.

ANOTHER ALLCAPS WORTHY MOMENT: EFFING SOULES JUST GAVE ONION GIRL ASHLEY THE LAST ROSE. I’M GOING TO MURDER EVERYONE IN A HALF MILE RADIUS I’M SO MAD.

Girls who Soules will never marry: Jordan (who was blackout the whole episode), Kimberly (the girl who ran back into the mansion after being cut episode 1), Tara (wore denim shorts and boots episode 1 then changed into a cocktail dress and has been wasted 89% of the season), Alissa (she was cute and sweet and way too normal for Soules apparently),