The Bachelor, Episode 3: can you not

It’s dark. It’s quiet. All are sleeping in the crisp, early morning.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east. And Jimmy Kimmel is the sun.

I’m so happy rn. We needed to bring in a comedian. Jimmy wakes up Soules in the early morning and whispers sweet hilarious nothings into his ear.

“….Are you naked? ….We’re about to start a glorious journey together….” -Jimmy to Soules

listen guys i’m not a transcriber, Jimmy said more funny things but that’s all I captured ok

Jimmy walks into the room and everyone loses their shit and he says “hello sister wives” and i actually fell in love just now I’m fine.

“I’m going to help his decision by making love to each one of you.” -Jimmy

LOL. Cue millions of thirsty women signing up to be on the next season of The Bachelor. Then Jimmy starts an “Amazing Jar” which is a huge glass jar and every time you say the word “amazing” you have to put a dollar in it.

First date: Kaitlyn (field plow/dance instructor from CA)

She is pretty you guys. She has good hair. Middle part with that trendy tousled wave that all the chic girls are doing now. Oh, they’re drinking already. It has to be like only 11 A.M.

They arrive at Costco (ok then) and the driver gives them a grocery list from Jimmy Kimmel. I actually love grocery shopping so I’m excited rn I guess. She is wearing a white crop top with a plaid shirt tied around her waist because you never know when you’ll need to break out into a 90s Britney Spears musical.

“There aren’t many girls I know who can handle a date like this with such class and make it so incredible.” -Soules

YOU’RE AT AN EFFING GROCERY STORE, NOT VOLUNTEERNG IN A BIG BROTHER MENTOR PROGRAM LIKE WAT

Now they’re rolling around in a blue ball that I don’t know how else to describe. They load the groceries in the car. I’m ready for her to enter this decade and change clothes now. can she not

“I’ve done weirder things.” -Kaitlyn

OH HAVE YOU/???????? ARE YOU SURE/?? BECAUSE GROCERY SHOPPING IS DEFINITELY THE WEIRDEST THING THAT’S EVER BEEN ON REALITY TV??????

HI KAITLYN CAN YOU NOT

Now they’re cooking together and drinking wine. I think Soules is slurring.

“Who needs helicopters when you have Costco?” -Soules

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. I swear to God he’s drunk. I get it, alcohol, I really do, but if all your dates with all these pretty women involve alcohol, then NO WONDER the bachelors always fall in love with ALL of the women.

i kno this b-cuz I’m rly wise and i once went on 3 whole, entire dates with a guy and then the 4th date I was as sober as an actual nun and i realized i did not even like him. it was hard on all of us.

WE NEED TO HAVE SOBER DATES WHERE THEY GO TO CHURCH TOGETHER OR LIKE FOLD LAUNDRY OR SOMETHING THAT TAKES SOBRIETY. why can’t these couples have dates at watermark i guess i just don’t get it.

Jimmy walked up on Soules and Kaitlyn making out. Jimmy asked if Soules was cheating on him and I laughed.

Kaitlyn still hasn’t changed out of her 1997 baby gap suit and I’m mad.

Jimmy brings up the fantasy suite and asks Kaitlyn what she would do if she wins, then finds out if Soules slept with other girls as well during the show. She lied and said she wouldn’t mind and uttered the cliche “test driving a car” phrase.

GO AHEAD, K, TELL SOULES WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR.

Soules starts to give Kaitlyn her rose with a long, cheesy speech. Jimmy told him it sucked and made him start over omg let’s all just date Jimmy. Soules starts over and literally says amazing twice because he doesn’t know any other positive adjectives.

“Were there people on the farm or just animals?” -Jimmy to Soules

HAHA DYING

I’m mad. It’s all of us normal girls watching this on the couch that deserve a third wheel date with Jimmy. Let’s protest.

Now here we are, and the two of them had the best date they’ve ver had in their lives, but it’s not because of each other, it’s because of Jimmy.

Jimmy leaves. The two of them are now in the hot tub making out. HAHA JIMMY IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOT TUB EATING BACON AND I’M DEAD STOP

Back at the mansion. Julianne is working out. can you not? She is doing real life cross fit. They’re censor-blocking out her lower body on the camera because apparently her shorts are too small and I guess I’m just honestly grossed out.

She also looks like she could kill Chris with her bare ass hands.

Next group date invitation: Are you ready to eat some real party animals?

WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON??????????? I MISS HIM

All the girls are at the farm. He’s wearing a black and red checkered shirt. Jimmy explains what they’re doing and it’s all farming skills. Cracking eggs without cracking the yoke, goat milking and drinking, mason jars involved, shoveling maneur, wrestling pigs etc.

Carly, from Arlington, said she is allergic to goat milk, but will compete anyway. ok then.

Cross fit Jillian is flexing at the camera and everyone hates her with good reason and hey jillian can u not

“If a girl her can’t shuck corn or get her hands dirty, she’s not for me.” -Soules

I get embarrassed for the girls when they have to compete in stupid obstacles to fight for the bachelor. it’s hard to look at.

THE PRODUCERS ARE STILL CENSORING JILLIAN’S SHORTS LIKE WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS SHE WEARING. THIS IS THE SAME GIRL WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS “STAY CLASSY.” SO.

Here is the part where we watch a basic, high maintenance white females wrestle pigs.

JILLIAN LOST AND CARLY WON LOLOL. She won a blue ribbon.

Now Carly and Soules are alone, and it’s night, and they’re wearing cocktail attire and she says “You know what, you’re a man, I’m a woman, and I want to do this.” AND SHE KISSES HIM

WHAT

WUT

WAT

then she asks him if he want to slow dance with her

NO

no

N O stop . STOP

can you NOT???? are you a GUY?????????????? Then they just stand up and make out and i’m mad.

Cut to a scene with Soules kissing another girl. Like every time I look up from my computer he is kissing a different girl I swear.

Mackenzie, girl with bad hair who IS ONLY TWENTY-ONE goes up to Soules and tells him she’s upset he’s kissing everyone.

Throughout this whole show every time someone says amazing a little “ding” sounds and it’s hilarious and amazing see what i did there.

Soules is alone with Becka and she shuts down his kiss. Minutes later he gives her a rose. So this non-kiss strategy is working

RECAP: Carly won the competition and then threw herself all over him and did not get a rose. Let that sink in. How much would you want to die rn.

Next date with Whitney invitation: “No Wine-ing”

OH BOY MORE ALCOHOL. They’re in the limo. Whitney has the most annoying, tiny voice on God’s good earth. She has the kind of voice that makes other girls IMMEDIATELY hate you. She’s wearing hot pink which isn’t helping her cause.

They’re drinking wine by a river. Soules says something about “shooting the shit” and it was forgettable. Then they see a wedding going on in a distant field. Whitney pretends she’s spontaneous and suggests going to crash the wedding. Soules can’t act like a little pansy so he faintly agrees to. He takes large gulps of wine because we all know he is scared for his life.

They’re walking to the field and I’m in pain. now it’s night time and they’re in different clothes and i’m confused about time travel but they did it. they just waltz into the reception and cameras shoot from behind nearby trees. She puts a ring on there left ring finger and tells people she’s engaged to Soules because of course she does.

HE EVEN TELLS PEOPLE SHE’S HIS FIANCE.

This would be so much better if Whitney or Soules were actually funny or made any version of any kind of joke. But they’re just going around saying they’re engaged and the girl is REALLY good at making up elaborate stories and it’s on the disturbing side.

She didn’t catch the bouquet. Karma is hard.

Soules tells the camera he could imagine Whitney as his wife. Recap: Soules has said this about every female he’s ever met on this show ever.

He gives her a rose. They tell each other thank you. ok.

“This won’t be the last wedding we crash if we get married.” -Soules

Ok that was sweet i guess.

Now it’s the next day and Soules is working out. HE SHOULD FOR AS MUCH AS THEY DRINK ON THIS SHOW. Cue Kimmel and Soules showering together and then me dying.

Back at the mansion with Jimmy, there are like a thousand dollar bills in the amazing swear jar. Jimmy announces that there will be a pool party instead of a cocktail party.

Now Juelia, the girl whose husband committed suicide, is telling the camera she needs to tell Soules HoW ShE FeELzZz. It is actually a really sad story, obviously, and I’m not hear to downplay that, I’m only here to judge her hair and clothes and everything she says.

So she pulls him away from a thousand half naked women and is determined to ruin his day with her life story. It’s daylight. He listens to her. They hold hands.

I swear this conversation took up 79% of the two hour show. I literally started checking Facebook and reading #cavs articles because I’m a man and a basketball fan now. when i tune back in, she’s bawling.

LITERALLY GUYS I JUST RESPONDED TO A COMMENT ON INSTAGRAM AND THEY’RE STILL TALKING

I GOT UP AND ATE CEREAL SEVEN YEARS LATER AND THEY’RE STILL TALKING

I GAVE BIRTH AND HAVE A FAMILY AND MY CHILDREN ARE MARRIED NOW AND THEY’RE STILL TALKING

ok

Now Britt is talking to him. now they’re making out and it’s literally steamy. THERE ARE OTHER GIRLS AROUND. Britt is the prettiest so sucks to be everyone else right now I guess.

Jade steals him away. Now they’re in a cabin and jumping on beds. They’re touching. She’s literally wearing a swimsuit and high heels and they’re laying on a bed. I feel like I should be covering my eyes. Like I shouldn’t be able to see this.

9 seconds later, Soules is in a hot tub with Jillian. The Kardashian look alike is more worked up than that one time when Kim lost an earring in the ocean.

I just ate a piece of white chocolate and I am so happy I could die. The Kardashian lookalike is crying and I guess I just wish I cared more. SOMEONE GIVE THE GIRL A PIECE OF WHITE CHOCOLATE.

Now she and Soules are talking but all I can think about is Chris Harrison and if he’s ok and why no one has told me where he is.

The Kardashian starts laughing and then immediately crying. Soules asks is she’s okay. All of these girls need to see a doctor for mental health. She’s laughing again. NOW THEY’RE MAKING OUT BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE. She says “I feel so much better.”

DO YOU???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

god. i’m exhausted just sitting here.

OH MY GOD CHRIS HARRISON IS HERE FINALLY AND HOLDING CHAMPAGNE AND GOD BLESS AMERICA. Now it’s man time. Harrson, Jimmy, and Soules are talking to each other before the cocktail party. I’m kind of distraught that Ashley hasn’t had a mentally unstable crisis this episode.

COCKTAIL HOUR TIME.

Jade gets the first rose. Mackenzie gets a rose later on, proving that guys literally do not care about your hair. Britt gets a rose (I call she’s in top 3). Juelia. How could he cut her after that. Carly. Glad to know she didn’t drink goat’s milk for nothing. ASHELY S. AKA ONION GIRL AKA HELP JUST GOT A ROSE WHY GOD WHY.

Jimmy walks out and announces it’s the final rose.

Ashley I. gets a rose and I swear has more attitude than a teenage Avril fan.

THE ROSELESS

the best part of the episode is when Chris Harrison “cuts” Jimmy, and he “cries” in the limo screaming WE SPENT FOUR DAYS TOGETHER.

bye.