The Bachelor, Chris Soules, and his seven thousand perfect women

Friends. Romans. Basic twenty-something white girls.

It has begun.

Episode 1

This is the PRETTIEST group of women a season of The Bach has ever had and Chris is so unbelievably screwed.

Chris Soules is the new man all the women want on season 19 of “The Bachelor.” He’s a 4th generation farmer in Iowa, drives a motorcycle, and is 33. Jesus was also 33 once.

The show begins with Chris at his ranch-ass home in Iowa. I feel like I’m watching a Luke Bryan music video.

Is he boring? Is he cute? He’s surrounded by wheat fields. He is reaping his harvest. He’s fishing. It’s almost biblical. He eats around the table with his average looking family. This is literally the G.A.C. channel. Or the old testament. I can’t decide.

Population of his town is four hundred something.

“It would take a lifetime to meet 25 women.” HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHA ok.

Has he never heard of farmersmeet.com? Real question.

He is literally doing pushups on bales of hay. this cannot be real. this is getting stereotypical. Do all farmers do this??? does HE even do this???

He just made the first “count the chicken before they hatch” joke so whoop there it is.

I really don’t want to watch this countdown to the first limo/red carpet scene, but i had to stop forwarding the DVR for Andi and whats his face. They’re still not married, with no plans to get married and that’s fine, but I remember my first gay boyfriend.

Why is she petting his back while they talk? It’s has if there is a string behind him and she’s pulling it to make his mouth move. It’s the weirdest, most deliberate back rub I have ever uncomfortably witnessed.

MARRY HIM ALREADY, ANDI, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ON. MERCY.

Wait why is Andi even there?!?! She dumped Chris in the first place?? L 0 L Z

oh shit now here’s the good stuff. Nikki (girl who wanted to marry Juan Pablo, how could we forget) talks to Chris H.

Here’s a question for you, Nikki: WHY WOULD YOU EVER MARRY JUAN PABLO(??????).

“I wanted to stand by my man.”

ok

Nikki classically talks a lot without saying anything.

“We’re just two different people.”

ok

Chris asked her if she felt like she was ever Juan’s priority. HAHA. She said she felt like she was the 7th, and continues to ramble about how they were different people.

Chris keeps pressing her. JUAN DIDN’T LIKE HER, CHRIS, LET HER WALK AWAY. you guys i can’t listen to Nikki talk like i’m subconsciously cringing my teeth and i’m about to black out it’s paining me to go on. if she keeps speaking positively about Juan, i’m going to jump off my balcony.

she’s done talking and i don’t feel good.

CAN WE JUST GET TO THE FIRST LIMO ALREADY

We start out in L.A., where again, we see Farmer boy riding a motorcycle and frankly I don’t get it. I want him to be riding a horse.

He keeps saying that this experience of being on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor has been the best experience of his entire life and that makes me actual sad for him.

I decided he’s cute, but i think I’m tired of his hair. ok.

Here come the ladies piling into the limo. I cannot wait to judge their clothes. It’s the only reason I watch this.

Chris definitely looks like the always-has-to-be-in-a-relationship type. He thirsty.

First girl: Britt, a waitress from Hollywood. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I thi.. .

oh god.

oh god

no

no

stop. shoot me. SHE IS CRYING YOU GUYS. SHE IS SHEDDING TEARS AND SAYING REGRETTABLE OBSESSIVE THINGS I AM SQUINTING BECAUSE I CANT WATCH. she handed him a note that said free hug. that’s unique.

Whitney, nurse from chicago with southern accent so i’m confused. her voice is tiny. she is really energetic and i just aged three years and two days.

Kelsey, counselor from Austin. Long blue dress. She will be cut tonight. She just has that look.

All these girls have been semi normal and pretty so far.

Meggan, make up artist from Nashville. She looks like every girl we all met and then forgot in college.

Ashley, journalist from Wayne. She is terrifying. She looks like a tattoo-les tattoo artist. She will probably win. God. I’m scared of her.

Trina, special ed teacher from CA. She is weird. Thank God. We finally got a weird one. She has bridesmaid hair.

Reagan, donated tissue specialist from CA. She is holding a cooler. OH THANK GOD, AN EVEN WEIRDER GIRL. oh shit. no. this isn’t happening…….. A;;KAFJK AS ;DFJK she opened the cooler and said “I got you a heart. just kidding. it’s fake.”

……..WUT.

Tara, sport fishing enthusiast from Ft Lauderdale. He said “uh oh.” She is wearing boots and shorts and I hate her. WELL AT LEAST HER MESSAGE IS FITTING FOR HER ONE-MAN TARGET AUDIENCE.

This is awk because all the girls hate her. here we go. She’s sipping Whiskey. This is amazing.

Amer, bartender from Chicago. SHE IS HOLDING A TEDDY BEAR. The camera goes back to Tara because screw the teddy bear.

Nikki, former NFL cheerleader from NYC, also overshadowed by Tara’s monologue about her clothes and whiskey. Oh god. Tara is about to walk out again. This time in a cocktail dress. TARA IS PSYCHO. GOD BLESS HER. SHE GOT BACK IN THE LIMO .

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHJKGAD;D

i’m in so much pain. She walked out of the Limo again. Chris winked. I cried. She proceeds to say the most basic thing we’ve all ever heard.

“You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.”

LITERALLY WE ALL REMEMBER OUR FIRST CARRIE UNDERWOOD LYRIC.

She has a shoulder tattoo of words none of us can read. GO AWAY, TARA.

The limo driver is walking towards Chris with a card, from one of the girls in the Limo. Chris opens it. He says, “ok.” A spongebob commercial comes on. He’s instructed to turn around with his eyes closed and not look as she walks by.

WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE HER OUTFIT IS AMAZING.

Then he stands there with his eyes closed for seemingly 2 more minutes and says to no one, “Can I open my eyes? ………… K.”

next girl.

Jillian, news producer from washington, asks Chris if he’s been working out. So that’s gross. Good dress.

Mackenzie, dental assistant from Maple Valley, WA, is wearing a tragic green prom dress and has a perm. I also think she might be 17.

Ashley, hair stylist from Brooklyn. She seems normal. oh wait. nope. she’s talking about a lucky penny. she put it in her shoe. oh god. she is putting it in his shoe. GOD HELP ALL OF US WATCHING THIS AT HOME

Kaitlyn, dance instructor from Vancouver, in a red body con dress because we’re all in college apparently. She tells Chris that he can “PLOW THE F*** OUT OF HER FIELD ANY DAY.”

NO. NO. NO MAM.

SHE JUST SAID “WHO IS SHE” SO SHE IS LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME PERSON AS THE BLOGGER OF JUSTPMSING.COM. GOD.

who is she

“Who is she.” -Paige M. Skinner. also, i’m available for freelance graphic designing, please, not everyone at once.

Chris doesn’t walk into the house of girls without Chris H., the host, so that was cute and sad.All the women are drinking alcohol on empty stomachs.

Apparently there are only 15 women. Kaitlyn, plow field commenter, is stealing the show. She is telling the crudest jokes I’ve ever heard. All the girls are in so much pain being around her. Megan says she doesn’t get Kaitlyn’s jokes and admits to being retarded.

We’re all freaking out. Where are the other limos? they all panic. Everyone is petrified and acting as if a terrorist will blow up the mansion any second now.

Britt (cryer) is talking to him one-on-one. She is talking about how she wants to raise a family in a small town, and how his face is making her lose her train of thought and it’s as if she memorized lines from every romantic comedy ever made and is just word vomiting them out all at once.

Chris H. suddenly walks in with the first impression rose. God bless.

oh hell it’s cutting back to the live studio audience kill me. i also just dropped ice cold lemon water down my shirt and i don’t know how i’m able to go on.

We’re back. Tiny voice girl is getting one-one-one time with Chris. Her hair is chic. She is touching his hands. Surely guys hate that. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM. RAPE.

Now another girl is with him talking about a heart shaped rock. She gave it to him. They’re also holding hands. Idea: what if we all started giving guys rocks. we would be married and there would be world peace.

Now Chris is looking for the girl who didn’t show her face when she walked out of the limo. Was this a brilliant strategy on her part?????? He is SEEKING for her????? and she is wearing the best outfit??????

He says she is stunning. Melt. Her name is Amanda. Her hair is a little 2012 but it’s fine she’s fine. I just want to comb it out. I can’t even think about what they’re saying because the back of her head is all i can see.

Now Chris H. comes for Chris S. I think all the girls are black out drunk. Chris H. tells other Chris (this is already confusing) that more girls are coming. oh hell everyone is going to lose their actual effing minds.

Mini white dress, Samantha, fashion designer from L.A. She is gorg. She says she feels #blessed 2 b heRe. Kay.

Michelle, cake decorator from Provo, is wearing an unflattering dress, but Chris calls her gorgeous. I’m officially over the word gorgeous now.

Juelia, esthetician from Portland. nothing.

Becca, chripractic assistant from CA. show moving so fast.

God all these girls are stunning. Christ is so screwed. How could any man do this. this is too much for me and i’m not even a man or a lesbian.

A girl rolls up on a motorcycle, wearing a helpmeet. Trandra from Sandy, UT. unqiue…

Alisa, flight attendant from Hamiltion. She is adorable. She brought him a seatbelt “because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” She puts it around him. Is this actually cute? Does Chris like this? Do I like this? I need alcohol.

Jordan, student from Windosr. She hands him whiskey. They take shots. ok then.

Nicoke, real estate agent from scottsdale IS WEARING A PIG NOSE AND SAYS “SHE WANTED TO HAM IT UP” TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME. LOL. kind of funny but kind of tragic.

Brittany, “WWE Diva in training”from florida is wearing THE SHORTEST DRESS ON THIS EARTH. He says she is beautiful and stunning so sorry the rest of them didn’t show up naked, Chris. She carried a sign that said #Soulesmates. So.

oh god WAIT

Carly, Cruise ship singer from Arlington, TX, in a short pink dress just came out holding a kid karaoke machine and is serenading him. She was a terrible singer. This gets more tragic by the limo.

All the girls are talking to the camera about how they can’t handle how many beautiful women are there. “If another limo of girls pulls up I’m going to cry.” WELCOME TO TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY RUSH, BITCHES. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

another. limo. pulls. up. i. might. hyper. ventilate.

all the girls seeing all the other girls.

Tracy, teacher from FL, in boring red dress. She reads him notes from her 4th grade students and they’re cute notes and this was cute i’m cute she’s cute chris is cute.

Bo, plus size model from CA.

Kimberly, yoga teacher from long island.

y’all i can’t keep up

Kara, soccer coach from KY.

jade, cosmetics developer from CA, cool dress i guess.

fingers bleeding

so many women

so little blog space

Chris keeps saying how humbled and grateful he is. MELT.

“Kaitlyn is a firecracker.” I WAS CALLED THAT ONCE. She is teaching him to floor hip hop dance. He’s wearing a suit. lol. can we stop now.

Chris said that she impressed him, is down to earth, and has “all the qualities he wants in a future wife.” SO I’M ASSUMING HE LIKES CRASS COUNTRY WOMEN??????? I’M SCARED.

Bo, the plus size model, talks about her curves, because what else is new.

There are like seven thousand women and most of them haven’t talked to Chris and the night is almost over.

CAN ANYONE EVEN RIGHT NOW???????

“I wish i was a polygamist right now.” -Chris. we freaking know, dammit.

I don’t know how to say this but there is a normal looking girl talking to the camera with a psycho look in her eye about how everyone needs to be “cut and peeled back like an onion” then proceeds to interrupt Chris talking to the DIVA girl. It was excruciating to witness because she tried to offer that girl a rose (picked from nearby bush) so she would leave. help me.

now she is talking to the camera hallucinating about onions/?? saying the wall next to her needs to be peeled??? where do the producers find these women??? she is going to GET CUT FROM THIS SHOW LIKE AN ONION.

OH GOD NOW SHE IS PICKING POMEGRANATES FROM THE GARDEN.

guys i’m not kidding, google the onion girl on episode one. and then try not to murder yourself.

A girl just asked Chris what alfalfa is, saying she’s never heard of it. She asks if it’s organic. She’s from Maple Valley so maybe there isn’t internet there, let’s put her in our prayer circles.

Tara (shorts and boots girl) is wasted, and says her best friends are all bottles of alcohol. 23 is hard.

“The way she makes me feel is why I’m here.” Chris says grabbing the first rose. HE GIVES THE FIRST ROSE TO THE GIRL WHO CRIED WALKING OUT OF THE LIMO. GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD so they kiss.

She really is stunning but like SHE CRIED WHEN SHE SAW YOU. COULD ANYTHING BE CHEESIER.

All the girls hate her HAHA. girls are hard i hate girls.

KAY GUYS STAY WITH ME, CHRIS IS ABOUT TO CUT SOME FEMALEZ FROM THE SHOW.

The girl who asked him to plow her field got the first rose. And you’re reading this and you’re probably single. So think about that. Let it sink in.

Tara is about to puke. she is so drunk. This is so great. Omg. She is literally about to fall over.

I think the hardest part HAS to be remembering all those names. like you just barely met them. Impossible.

Tara is so sloppy rn guys I’m scared for her.

CHRIS JUST WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM WHAT IS GOING ON. tara hiccups.

i really don’t want him to give tara a rose, i’m sorry. I’m sry.

HE GAVE THE GIRL WHO DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ALFAFA WAS A ROSE. AND YOU’RE SINGLE.

ugh he gave tara a rose. I AM MAD. All the girls are mad.

OH GOD HE GAVE THE ONION GIRL A ROSE. I OFFICIALLY CAN’T WITH CHRIS. WHAT IS HIS DEAL. WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM. WHAT IS HAPPENING. NO. NO.

He also cut the girl who had my favorite outfit on, Amanda, the one who told him to close his eyes as she walked out. Bummer.

OH GOD. KIMBERLY, WHO JUST GOT SENT HOME, WALKED BACK IN THE MANSION. btw, it is like 5 or 6 am by the time roses are handed out and women are cut. They start cocktail hour at night, then they film all night through morning i swear. so i if i was drunk girl, i’d by swaying too.

And apparently we don’t get to see what kimberly said until next week. Then in the previews of upcoming episodes, we literally see EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL. BAWLING. DOES HE DIE/??????????

me rn kinda

I need Xanax.

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