One of my favorite feelings in the world is finding the PERFECT birthday or holiday card for someone. But sometimes you don’t get that feeling. Sometimes there is no card that represents your relationship or feelings for the card receiver. And sometimes you have to blog about what holiday cards should exist to feel better about it.
To your favorite group text conversation friends
At any given moment I will be in 872 group conversations. It’s hard. But necessary.
Merry Christmas, O spirit of the omni-present group text conversation. You are with me through good and bad. You’re with me on phone and desktop. You are with me even when I’m already eating at a restaurant with my friends and we text each other at the table. May the red notifications blend cheerily with the green messages app.
To your best guy friend that puts up with everything and gets nothing in return
Most of my best friends are guys and their suffering is real.
Have a holly jolly Christmas, dear friend with no benefits. I won’t put a present under your tree because we’re both too poor to buy each other gifts, but by the way, I need you to mount my new TV on my wall because if i knew how to use a stud finder, i probably wouldn’t be single hanging out with you as much as i do bye.
To your old college friend who you run into at the bars whose name you don’t remember
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Best wishes to you, you once Lubbockite, now Dallasite you, or maybe you haven’t graduated yet, I’m not sure, maybe you’re from here and visiting for the weekend, I’m not sure, you oh you, I wish the best of seasons to… you.
To your ex-boyfriends
KIDDING LOL kind of.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS I’M MORE FLAWLESS THAN EVER BYE.
To you uber driver
I owe my life to so many of you.
Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukah, actually IDK what you believe, thank you for serving, Go Cowboy’s, give me a discount, do you have an iPhone 5 charger, and a Happy New Year, speaking of which, are you working that night.
To someone you’re trying to friendzone
This actually once happened to me. The guy I had been talking to for months didn’t get me a card “because he couldn’t find one that described us.” well THEY DON’T MAKE HALF-ASS DATING VALENTINES CARDS I’M SORRY. Why don’t they make friendzone cards.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas, from an arm’s length distance, may you attend many parties, with people your age, and a Happy New year, where we won’t be hanging out together.
To your parent’s bosses
I had like 8 thousand million hospital bills this year and I was not going to survive them alone. To the source of my parent’s income, I thank you.
We wish you a Merry Christmas, from me my parents, and all the dogs, we wish you a merry christmas, ur the reason i eat when i go home, and i take food very srsly, and a happy new year etc