Bachelorette Becca: Let’s Do The Damn Th–Wait, No, Don’t, Let’s Not

I can’t and yet I am rn.

I haven’t watched The Bachelorette since JoJo was in the white house. I mean mansion. So I know nothing.

I think Becca is very pretty, and I have very high standards for Bachelorettes. They are on the same level as Miss USA and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and First Ladies, JK about First Ladies, Lol too far. But rly, I have high standards for Bach girls, because they’re ALWAYS so GD gorgeous, and like, no matter how progressive our nation becomes, no matter how many Lena Dunhams and Leslie Jones and Amy Schumers conquer the world, there will seeemingly never be an average-looking girl star in this show. One Does Not Just Become The Bachelorette. These girls are ALWAYS drop dead gorg.

And so are we. Because drinking wine on the couch with no make up and a high bun after a fat memorial day weekend is its own special type of gorg ok anyways back to the show.

Here’s everything I know about Becca:

1. She’s white.
2. She must be from the south.
3. She somehow looks like all the previous bachelorettes combined.
4. Her heart was broken by Ari.
5. Ari is gay.
6. Ari is a horrid name.
7. Becca might be 6’6″.
8. She has a hand tattoo that I keep expecting to rub or wash off any minute, but apparently it’s permanent.

My favorite scene of of the Bachelor nation and the history of television ever is when the previous bach girls come back to give the new bachelorette advice. AKA all of them pointing, “I kissed my fiance in this spot! This spot too! But this spot was our first kiss!” Also, apparently it’s not cool to be married. It’s only cool to be engaged. Evidenced by all of them not being married and enjoying their never ending engagement and the multitude of opportunities to wear white swimsuits that say Feyonce and use mugs that say Feyonce and wear shirts that say Feyonce.

Let’s not forget that the previous 3 bachelorettes found real, actual love on the show, seemingly genuinely happy and in love. So odds are Becca’s season will not go well for her.

Becca is 28 so that means she needs a man who is at least 30, and mentally 26. Chris said this is the most dramatic season, and I know he “says that every season” but I actually believe him just because everyone knows they can get away with anything on this show, and that no matter what they do, they WILL be Instagram famous enough for #ads, and really, what more could you ask for.

Night one at the mansion. Feels good to be back. Becca is wearing a wedding a dress, maybe I’ll wear mine too. 

Grant’s first impression was cute and gentlemanly and normal so she should just get it over with and marry him tonight. That’s all it really takes.

I’m tired of everyone saying, “Let’s do the damn thing” tbh.

Jean Blanc is a “connoisseur” so like if this doesn’t work out for him, he could apply for Queer Eye.

Okay my mother in law just had to explain to me that “Do the damn thing” is Becca’s catch phrase so wow not having cable is hard.

Joe talks like everyone’s fat drunk uncle and he must be disqualified immediately. But I also kind of want her to marry him.

Everyone’s falling in love with her because she is in a literal wedding dress and also not wearing a bra. So I remember my first wedding dress.

Leo has long hair and kind of reminds me of Lenny Kravits mixed with The Weeknd and I’m nervous.

Jordan is a male model from Florida and was pretty indifferent towards her. He also looks like someone the guys will chop up and dip in ranch for a snack if they get hungry later. He has talked about his suit to the camera for a solid 5 minutes.

Lane just showed me a tweet that reminded him of me and it was really funny and now I’m behind on the men.

But a white dude with a man bun brought a cut out of Ari so I guess he is trying to get stabbed tonight.

Cookies is sleeping next to me like a baby angel.

Someone drove up in their own car, I’m not sure why. His name is Garret. OH IT’S A MINI VAN. FILLED WITH A SOCCER BALL AND GOLF CLUBS. ALL CAPS. He just wants to be a dad so hard. She liked it tho. I think she would like anything any guy did for a first impression. I mean, if she didn’t kick out the guy who brought a literal life-size cardboard cut out of her ex-fiance who dumped her, standards are low.

Omg Cookies is so cute I can’t. handle. it.

Kamil is a “Social Media Participant” who LITERALLY MADE BECCA WALK TOWARDS HIM BECAUSE RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD MEET 50-50, AND THEN HE MADE HER WALK FURTHER FOR 60-40. Also, AS A LITERAL SOCIAL MEDIA PROFESSIONAL, I AM OFFENDED BY HIS CHOICE OF OCCUPATION. And his name is Kamil so he never had a chance with me from the start.

Trent is a realtor who JUMPED out of the limo and said he “LITERALLY DIED” when he found out she was the bachelorette so Trent might LITERALLY be me.

A 25 yr old venture capitalist whose name I didn’t catch dressed as a chicken and keeps saying “B-caaaa” because becca get it. I kno this is tragic of me, but he’s my favorite so far. Except there is no way he is a venture capitalist, rite? That must be an exaggeration.

There is a gospel choir singing now. I don’t even know how we got here, but I’m just waiting for Donald Glover to pop out and shoot them.

Just finished 2 glasses of wine don’t @ me.

Male model said Becca looks like a “tall glass of champagne in that dress” and he is literally more in love with the dress than her. It’s hard being a gay white male model. I would know because I am one.

God we’re finally done meeting men now we can all just drink and mingle. There are a lot of black man in this group of men. Is that racist to say. Becca likes chocolate. Is that racist. Like honestly, if she doesn’t get engaged to a black man in the finale, it’s going to be insulting.

One of these guys just said he’s a software engineer and “MADE THE APP FOR VENMO” SO IS THAT CASUAL? IS THAT NORMAL?

Now Becca and another man are playing basketball. He dunked over it, it was impressive, and he gets one of my roses. Now a bunch of guys are playing basketball and this whole thing suddenly has nothing to do with Becca.

We’re an hour into the show and I’m too tired to keep going. Lane is litearlly reading a book next to me so how bored can you get. I want to see the Mama Mia sequel. I’ve actually never seen the first one HERE WE GO AGAIN! MY MY! HOW COULD I EVER LET YOU GO idk.

Jean Blanc wrote her a poem on what looks like a coaster and he is v suave, he gets a rose from me.

Drunk Uncle is cute, I don’t care what he says, he gets a rose from me.

Pink blazer guy from Denver and Becca are holding hands while they talk and it’s making me very uncomfortable. But she really likes him.

I miss Chad.

The chicken’s name is David. He is 25, which means he is mentally 20 with a lot of money, WHICH MEANS RUN FAST AND FAR, BECCA.

Garret teaches her how to fish in a pool in a mansion in California.

Finally, one of the guys here is backstabbing another. Is it just me or is this episode v v slow and low on drama. I have seen more drama happen in early service at church. Apparently one of the guys here “isn’t here for the right reasons” which like …………………………………….. if ur here for any other reason than to one day be granted the right to put “#ad” in  your IG caption, you can get out. That’s the only right reason that matters amirite.

The man not here for the right reasons is named Jake and Becca is calling him out privately. He is in a bowtie. They’ve met before. Becca kicked him off which should have been more dramatic than it was, but Cookies is sleeping on her back and I took enough photos to send one to everyone on the show.

Becca givest he first impression rose to Garret. Garret is the man who taught her how to fish in the pool, AKA the man who reminds her of her father. IT’S ACTUALLY V COMMON FOR GIRLS TO CHOOSE MEN THAT REMIND THEM OF THEIR FATHER. Garret is also the guy I called drunk uncle earlier. He is all of our fathers and drunk uncles and exes and spouses.

There are so many chic, suave black men here it’s overwhelming. We need another hour to do a spotlight on them all and also another reality show. Like Queer Eye but only straight black men. Black Eye. Sry stopping now.

ROSE CEREMONY.

Lincoln gets the first rose!!

One of these men was a former Harlem Globe Trotter, says Lane. I don’t know what that means, but I assume a sports team.

Venmo app guy gets a rose.

Chicken gets a rose.

Man bun gets a rose.

Lots of other insignificant men get a rose.

LAST ROSE.

Chris R. gets the last rose and I don’t know who that is.

Social Media Participant Kamil got let go. Thank god. Also, it’s daylight. It’s the next morning. I know we all know that already, how they stay up all night to do this, BUT IT’S STILL BLOWS MY MIND.

Zero of the guys left are blonde. Becca has a type and that type is tall dark and handsome.

The upcoming scenes of the season are what Bachelor Nation dreams are made of. These cuts. I should have asked this team to do my wedding video. They’re geniuses. We learn that one of these men are virgins (not waiting until marriage, just the right girl). We learn who the season villain is, and it’s Jordan, the male model. We learn Becca cries a lot. We learn someone slams a large piece of furniture on the ground. We learn someone gets taken to the E.R. We learn apparently Becca only wears white. We learn she falls in love with 2 guys. We learn white girl problems are hard.

This blog was not funny, I’m so sorry.