Being A Vegan Is Going Well Thanks For Asking

“Is this an elaborate punishment because I picked the Netflix movie without you?” -Lane

Two people walk into a bar, which one is a vegan? The one who announces it. I know this because that person is me, I’m announcing it, I’m vegan now, and everywhere I go, everyone I see, I tell them.

But let’s rewind and go back to the beginning. The start of my beautiful, personal vegan journey.

February 9, 2017, circa 2:00 PM CT

Lane g-chats me, “Oh I see you ordered Atkins bars on Amazon Prime?”

(SHARING PRIME ACCOUNTS IS HARD)

Yes, yes I did, Lane.

I ordered chocolate peanut butter Atkins bars. Not because I’m on the Atkins diet. Not because I’m on any diet. But because they are like crack and I buy them individually every single day for like $2 from a cafe on the first floor of my work building because they are like crack. I go back to my desk and all but snort these bars. I’m addicted.

So Lane proceeds to gchat/recite the ingredients of these bars back to me. He is level 10 concerned about my health and well being for eating these bars. Things like “CHOCOLATE COATING” and “PEANUT BUTTER FLAVOR” are the first ingredients, followed by a legion of impossible-to-pronounce words, chemicals, hyphens, and plenty of “-ulloses,” “-lycerins,” and “-extroses.”

Lane is shook.

February 9, circa 8:00 PM CT

“What should we watch tonight?” I asked Lane, settling on the couch with dinner.

“Oh I have something picked,” he said curtly. I was excited because he never has something pre-picked, what could it be, I like surprises, this is fun, I like this game.

HE PICKS A FOOD DOCUMENTARY. HE PICKS FOOD CHOICES.

I SAID:

o wow ok we gon play this game

So at this point Lane is not fucking messing around anymore. We’re watching health documentaries now. This is an intervention now. I’m being intervened. Where is Jeff VanVonderen. Great.

TWO HOURS LATER.

I’m shook.

I obviously haven’t changed my whole lifestyle, calm the ef down, but I have changed a few of my routines. I used to always start my day with an egg and have at least two of those delicious effing dessert flavored yogurt cups to get through the work day. I’ve since started eating overnight oats in the morning and fruit or veggie snacks. Because I’m scared of dairy and I cry thinking about chickens and eggs. I’m a changed woman. This week, my Instagram had ads for plant-based meal delivery services. Everything is fine.

Two nights later, Lane and I went to the Yard House (restaurant in Addison) and I’LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW I ORDERED A RED QUINOA SALAD WITH DRESSING ON THE SIDE AND TOOK SOME OF IT HOME IN A TO GO BOX. COME AT ME, BEYONCE.

Lane wasn’t concerned about me until I ordered a red quinoa salad at an establishment that sells a variety of grilled and fried cheeses.

This is how it went down.

“Know what you’d like to order?” -Waiter

“Well I’m a vegan, so I’ll have the red quinoa salad.” -me

“Oh, would you like the cheese to be removed?” -Waiter

“Nope, I want the cheese.” -me

Lane:

The waiter walked away and Lane literally said, and I quote, “Is this all an elaborate punishment because I chose the Netflix movie without you?”

I think he was mostly kidding.

So. I’m a vegan now. I’m not looking for praise or anything tho.