This week, one of the leaders of ISIS was finally killed, but more importantly, the next Bachelor was revealed.
No. 1. Literally who is this man? I didn’t see Andi’s season. Or Kaitlyn’s season. I didn’t read Andi’s book. I don’t read Kaitlyn’s blog. And Nick has never come in contact with JoJo or Ben Higgins so he literally does not exist to me. He is a blank slate to me. He is a famous stranger to me and I can’t decide if it’s good or bad. Who are you, Nick Viall??
No. 2. How do you say “Viall”?
No. 3. Does Spencer Pratt have something to do with this? And by that I mean is Nick Viall actually Spencer Pratt? I cannot separate the two faces or bitmojis in my mind. Which brings me to my next point.
No. 4. How does it feel to have your bitmoji as your Twitter profile pic? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above using a bitmoji. I’m just above being any member of a non-baby boomer generation and having it as my profile picture.
No. 5. I always thought Nick was a villain question mark? Again, I know nothing of him, but traces of what I do know always led me to believe he was disdained by Bach Nation. He didn’t break anyone’s heart? He wasn’t rude? He didn’t date Heidi?? WHY DO I THINK THIS????
No. 6. HOW CAN YOU BE A BACHELOR IF YOU WEREN’T ON THE PREVIOUS SEASON? This breaks all the unspoken Bachelor laws I’ve ever believed to be true so now I don’t even know what’s real anymore. WILL THERE EVEN BE HOT TUBS IN THIS SEASON? HOW DOES LUKE FEEL ABOUT THIS? OR ROBBY? OR JORDAN FOR THAT MATTER? YES, JORDAN, WHO I’M CONVINCED IS STILL COMPETING FOR TNB TITLE.
No. 7. WHAT ON EARTH DOES IT TAKE TO BREAK YOU, NICK? He’s already fallen in and out of love twice on The Bachelorette and once on TBIP, SO LITERALLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? Albert Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, BUT CLEARLY NICK VIALL IGNORED ALL THE INSPIRATION POSTERS FROM HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE HERE WE ARE.
No. 8. Why haven’t you blogged in almost a year? What else do you have to do besides constantly falling in and out of love with other C-list reality stars or being a salesman for SalesForce? Yes, I looked up your LinkedIn profile, we have a mutual connection, why is that weird? Salesforce once called me three times in one week and I wanted to murder them? Was that you? I’m flattered?
No. 9. What do you mean you prefer brunettes? Do you even care that I have a platinum lob? (sorry that the direction took a turn to just being a letter to Nick but here we are) Don’t even try to deny that you don’t prefer brunettes, because I have three reasons to prove you are, and those reasons are Andi, Kaitlyn, and Jen. Rude af.
No. 10. What week of Kayla Itsines are you on? Thanks.