This blog is two weeks in the making so I waste no time jumping right in. Episode 5 recap to follow later this week. Tnk U 4 Ur Pati3nze.

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“I’m interested in seeing how outdoorsy the girls can be and see them in nature,” -Chris.

NO. YOU WANT TO SEE THEM HALF NAKED AND FROLICKING IN A LAKE. WE GET IT. They aren’t building campfires from scratch or making hats out of skunks, this is basically troop beverly hills, like PLEASE SPARE ME from the “outdoorsy/nature” talk.

Leave it to Kaitlyn to feel the most NaTurEy and take her swimsuit bottoms off in front of everyone before jumping in the lake.

Which just about annoys me.

Like if you’re going to take your clothes off for comedic effect on television, why are you half assing it, LITERALLY HALF ASSING IT??? why not just completely skinny dip????? ARE YOU TOO MODEST, KAIT??????????????? and by the way WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THIS what are you trying to prove???? OKAY, YOU’RE FUN, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, WE GET IT.

Then everyone finally put their freaking pants on and real things started happening. Interesting things. On this group date, Chris brings in his three sisters. The Soules women will meet one-on-one with all the girls pick who goes on a date with Chris.

They show up unannounced to the mansion. All three of them are blonde. Crossfit Jillian girl complains that she didn’t want her first impression on Chris’ sisters to be of her in a tiny swimsuit.

Says the girl who has to be censored even when she’s not wearing a swimsuit. DON’T WORRY JILL, YOU WOULD’VE MADE A BAD IMPRESSION NO MATTER WHAT i’m sorry.

Then ABC shows scattered clips of different girls being interrogated by the Soules women, until it’s Jade’s turn.

Jade, not a blonde, starts getting grilled by the women with basic questions. She tells them she’s a model and casually just launched her own organic make up company. Like ok I could rub vaseline and petals in a mason jar and call it call it my own line of vegan chapstick if I wanted to.

They said, “Oh wow lot’s of special talents,” verbatim.

Then they get serious and ask her how she is in relationships. Her safe, cliche responses really do the trick because they just drool over her, and it ends in hugs so ok. (then again, how would anyone respond to that?????? HI, I’M A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELOR, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM IN RELATIONSHIPS????? IF I WAS GOOD IN THEM I WOULD BE IN ONE AND NOT TRYING TO DESPERATELY DATE YOUR BORING SON ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.) sry

Back at the lake/campsite, Chris is having the women split into two teams and set up tents. I was about to type something insulting, then realized I don’t know how to set up a tent either. But I know how to call an Uber and gtfo out of a campsite ammirite. unless there’s no cell service but you get it we get it.

Now it’s Karli’s turn with the Soules women. Oh. HAHA. “I’ve never had a guy really be nice to me,” was literally the first sentence out of her mouth. She starts getting choked up. Soft piano music starts playing. Behind the scenes, she tells the camera that she “wants Chris’ affection.”

NO YOU DON’T. YOU WANT ANYONE’S AFFECTION LITERALLY ANYONE WE GET IT.

Can you imagine if this was real life. If your parents sat with all the guys you were dating and then picked the one you would go out with. ISN’T THIS HOW IT ACTUALLY WORKS IN SOME CULTURES THO??? ARRANGED MARRIAGES ARE REAL.

I shudder to think what my parents would ask my “sUiToRz” (HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF THEM), and maybe it could be a reality television show in and of itself. We’ll call the show Boom Dating because our baby boomer parents pick who we date. YOU CAN REACH ME ON THE GMAIL, MTV PRODUCERS.sryimdone

Back from commercials. A card is brought to the house and JADE WAS THE CHOSEN ONE. Chris’ sisters picked her to go on the ~*~SpEciAL~*~ Cinderella date.

Is anyone else moderately surprised by this? I was expecting them to pick a feisty blonde (or any blonde) not a shy brunette.

Cut back to the campsite. Do I even need to blog about this part? It’s extremely predictable. The women are drinking whiskey, Ashley S. is talking about aliens, and the virgin Kardashian (Ashley I.) cannot stop talking about being a virgin while also forcing her tongue down Chris’ throat.

The Kardashian later sneaks into his tent and ruins all of our lives. She tells Chris over and over how she’s so “innocent and inexperienced.” #WEGETITCANYOUNOT

First of all, Chris is too stupid to pick up on hints and insinuations.

Secondly, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ALL OF US AT HOME?????? CONGRATU-FREAKING-LATIONS WE ARE ALL VERY PROUD AND EVEN MORE SKEPTICAL.

Chris later tells the camera he had no idea what she was talking about. We know, Chris. We know.

Now all the girls are at the mansion. An old woman with pink hair and a possy of gay men barge in the house and I suddenly feel like I’m watching America’s Next Top Model. Except the girls are prettier on the bachelor (lol i’m laughing at myself sue me).

Then something really annoying starts happening. The perfect date, I THINK IT’S A GREAT DATE, SUE ME. SUE ME. They roll out tons of gowns, designer shoes, jewelry, the works. Jade gets to pick out everything. She tried on an amazing partly-sheer sequin gown. All the girls are sitting around gawking and jealous. And by all the girls I mean all the girls on the show and all of us at home.

THEN THE PINK HAIRED GOD MOTHER TELLS JADE SHE GETS TO KEEP EVERYTHING SHE WEARS. LITERALLY, DIE JADE. UGHKLSFKJLFDJKLDLSKJFKJFKKSFDLJKFDS

Then Jade picks out the ugliest dress you’ve ever seen in your life and about 782 pieces of product placement find their way into the show. Cinderella paid for all of this, we get it, ABC.

I’m actually mad about the dress she picked. I’m still mad. It’s so bad.

I’m still mad. ugh

ALL of the girls hate her so much right now.

It’s daylight out when Jade leave to go on her date with Chris. THE CAMERA SHOWS CHRIS PRACTICING THE WALTZ BY HIMSELF AND IT IS HONEST TO GOD ONE OF THE FUNNIEST BACHELOR SCENES I’VE EVER SEEN I’M SORRY.

Because no one pushes the cheese factor quite like ABC, grand music plays while Jade walks down a 100-step staircase. I’d give anything to see her trip i’m sorry. They have a candlelit dinner alone in a really large, dark room and it feels very beauty and the beast. There is a glass slipper on a table nearby. ohmygodwegetit.

During dinner, Jade tells Chris she was engaged once. Chris said he was too. HELL, I WAS TOO AT THIS RATE. It’s possible Chris doesn’t even know what they’re talking about and he’s just agreeing and saying “me too” to everything.

I literally hate Ashley I. Sorry. she’s going around the house wearing a ball gown, complaining and eating an ear of corn. ok.

Chris tells the camera that while Jade is pretty on the outside, her inner beauty is what really stands out to him. SO CHRIS THINKS YOU’RE FUGLY, JADE, HOW DOES IT FEEL. Then he gives her a rose and I’m bored.

Now they’re waltzing to a full symphony on a tiny circular stage. A scene from the upcoming Cinderella movie is playing in the background. They kiss. I tweet about frozen yogurt.

The clock strikes midnight and she runs out. we get it, abc. they’re really outdoing themselves this episode.

Now the girls are dressed in long white gowns, I assume wedding dresses from ghosts of divorced wives past. They have to complete a muddy obstacle race wearing the dress because of course they do.

“HERE IS A WEDDING DRESS AND HERE IS THE MUD, AND THIS DRESS IN THE MUD IS THE ANALOGY OF YOUR LIFE.” -subliminal message from ABC producers.

Truly, I would rather die than do an obstacle course of any kind. Like where is the nearest margarita machine.

Jillian is jumping, leaping, par-koring, sprinting, and flying. Karli cheated and is still far behind everyone. Jillian crosses the finish line and kisses her biceps and I’m cringing.

Sometimes when a girl is so extremely opposite me, I find her weirdly fascinating and I think she’s so cool (Hi Kate Middleton, Blair Eadie, and a singer at Truck Yard who sounds exactly like Janis Joplin) and sometimes when a girl is so unlike me, I don’t comprehend what’s happening and it’s too painful to watch with two eyes, so I squint at her through my fingers with one eye. And that’s how I feel about Jillian.

Chris feels the same way. Because after their date, she didn’t get a rose.

It’s still sad when he breaks up with her and she cries and tells the camera she just wants the person she’s supposed to spend her life with.

😦

Then Chris opens to the camera about being single at 33 and how he’s wanted to be married for a long time, and he’s worried this won’t work out for him and how he’ll be “concerned for his potential in life.”

😦

And then you pause from laughing and making fun of everyone on the show and remember that they’re all here because they really need someone/something to fill a gap.

YOUR SELF WORTH IS NOT BASED ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS. AM I A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER??????? SHOULD I DO A TED TALK?????? SOMEONE GIVE ME A MIRCOPHONE ANYONE ok stopping now.

Now it’s cocktail hour and three things happen.

1. Ashley I. FINALLY tells Chris what she’s been trying to say in plain English. SHE’S A VIRGIN. DOES ANYONE CARE ANYMORE. Then he acted weird, more so because she’s insane an less because she’s supposedly a virgin.
2. Becca is also a virgin. In other news, WHO TF IS BECCA. WHO IS SHE.
   • I’M A VIRGIN TOO NOW.
   • SO IS CHRIS AND BY CHRIS I MEAN EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD EVER sry.
3. Britt is jealous of all the alone time Kaitlyn has had with Chris. So she pulls him aside and let’s him know “what all the girls are thinking” AKA that he is just making out with everyone and not taking it seriously.

This is exciting because it means we might see Chris get angry. Which means he might show a real emotion. But when he finally confronts the room of women about it, I was disappointed. It was more like an impression of anger. Like what he thinks anger is supposed to look like. I felt like he wasn’t actually mad????? I WANTED HIM TO KIND OF BREAK A PLATE OR SOMETHING BUT IT’S FINE.

Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. are then sent home.

Let’s talk about Ashley S.’ Bachelor form, something they all have to fill out for fun when they apply. See here.

Ashley S.

Bachelorette – Eliminated Week 4

Age: 24
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Hometown: Brooklyn, NY
Height: 5’7″
Tattoos: None
Can’t live without: Lip gloss, coffee, my journal, people I love, sunshine
Biggest date fear: Having nothing to talk about

I love it when my date shares intimate conversation.

I hate it when my date is constantly on the phone.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?
Help my uncle and my grandmother…and of course buy some amazing Italian shoes.

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be?
Thumbelina, because she’s persuaded by so many families to become a part of theirs, but in the end of the fairy tale she follows her heart. My favorite childhood story.

Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Sex and the City, and Seven Pounds.

What does being married mean to you?
It is the highest honor to a relationship and 100% commitment.

SO I’M GUESS I’M JUST CONFUSED ABOUT HOW NORMAL AND RELATABLE THESE RESPONSES ARE???????? DID SHE EVEN FILL THIS OUT HERSELF???? WAS SHE FAKING BEING MENTALLY INSANE THIS WHOLE TIME?????? THOSE ARE GREAT MOVIES SHE PICKED. ITALIAN SHOES ARE AMAZING. SHE JOURNALS.

I DONT GET IT. WE DON’T GET IT.