It’s not easy. I understand. Red wine is hard. It’s stressful. I know many of you stay up at night, tossing back and forth, wondering when the day will come. when will i like red wine??? when will i be classy in photos on facebook drinking the red wines????????
I was once in your shoes. We can start a support group or whatever, but I’m here to help, I live to serve you, and if you believe you can achieve.
And here is where I insert motivational work out memes, but I want you to apply these meditations to drinking red wine. You can do it.
A Step by Step Guide to Go From Moscato to Merlot
just kidding, i don’t even drink merlot, but this title was necessary, just go with it.
STEP 1: PUT THE CUPCAKE MOSCATO DOWN
I had a solid Moscato phase junior year of college, but we all had to grow up, and develop our frontal lobes, and graduate college, and move on from Moscato.
STEP 2: NOW WATCH ME CHARDONAY NAY
I once heard that Chardonnay has a lot of added sugar. I have no idea if that’s actually true. Google it. But I fully believe it, because my headaches don’t lie.
Chardonnay will be your stepping stone. Your stepping stone away from sweeter white wines. This is your new go-to white wine. Then get Sauvignon Blanc (I had to google had to spell that but I have a bachelor’s degree idk it’s fine). Say words like “buttery” and “oakey” which will really impress your Bumble date.
While you’re on step two, take some time to appreciate all the pop culture references to Chardonnay.
Enjoy your times with these lyrics, because your chardonnay phase will soon come to an end.
STEP 3: PASS THE EPIDURAL AND A PINOT NOIR
That quote is from nowhere, except me in my mind, when I imagine myself in labor. anyways.
It was last New Years Eve, 2015 A.D., when one of my best friends from high school had a come to Jesus with me. Specifically, how embarrassed she was for me and my Chard habit. She told me it was time for me to grow up and be a man and order the reds.
Pinor Noir is the gateway red into all the reds. You’re not going to like it. It’s going to be hard. You’re going to need to meditate and pray about it, but then you’ll just need to shut up and drink it.
STEP 4: HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT
This is where your real motivation needs to set in, or you’ll be stuck in the Pinot Noir phase the rest of your basic life. Don’t stop your good progress. Don’t quit now.
Make your second drink of your next wine night a solid cab sav (and by solid, I mean any wine bottle over $15, and by cab sav I mean cabernet sauvignon). Yes, that’s right, order a cab after the noir, and repeat that until you’re just ordering the cabs.
Stay tuned as we all figure out how to embark Merlots and Malbecs together, I’m just not there yet, please pray for me.
I hope this helps you concur your fears and live life to the fullest. Can’t wait to see ur classy red wine Facebook pic.
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