I Watched Ben & Lauren Happily Ever After And I Am Dead On The Inside

Empathy for the girl who has it all. 

I’m not promising to blog the whole season. But I was watching this and couldn’t stop tweeting and I can’t not write a blog at this point and I said the same thing about JoJo’s season and here we are.

The show opened up with Lauren’s audition footage,  her stepping of the limo on night one (she was the first girl he met btw), and highlights of their love story throughout the show.

She looked genuinely happy. Her eyes were always smiling even when her mouth wasn’t. Her eyebrows were thinner. Normal. Before the thick, penciled in look took over Instagram and all of our self esteems.

She even looked a little thicker back then??? Am I allowed to say that without a Twitter troll accusing me of body shaming? She is clearly thinner since becoming engaged, it can’t be because of stress or the pressure of being on TV or engaged to Ben or incessantly comparing herself to The JoJo Factor at all. At all.

Here are things that happened episode one.

Grocery shopping with Ben

Celebrities, they’re just like us! Here we watch #BenAndLauren doing peasant things like buy themselves groceries. Of course a white woman walks up to them and asks about the show AND ULTIMATELY ABOUT JOJO.

This was obviously a planned scene. It comes off as fake and that’s fine.

But YOU KNOW that this really does happen to them in IRL. People walk up to them and ask to take photos. Talk about JoJo. Ask for a selfie. Ask about JoJo.

This is Lauren’s life. JoJo JoJoJoJo JoJO JOojOjoJoJOjojo

How is Lauren not in constant shambles every time she’s reminded of JoJo? BECAUSE SHE IS DEAD ON THE INSIDE.

OBSERVE:

You would have to die a little on the inside to deal with that. Proud of u, Lauren B good 4 u, lauren b.

Lauren wants to scrub Ben’s house of all his memories and exes nest and redecorate

Lauren moved into Ben’s house in Denver. I repeat: Ben already owned a home and had a life in this home, pre-Lauren.

Lauren is also a girl, so she naturally wants to redecorate everything.

But as they walk through the house, her pointing out everything she wants to change, Benny boo boo boobooboo gets v upset.

OH I’M SORRY THAT ME WANTING TO REPLACE THE CURTAINS MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE????? WOULD YOU FEEL BETTER IF I FELL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION???????????????? DO LIGHTER INTERIORS GIVE YOU ANXIETY?? LET’S ASK THE WOMAN AT THE GROCERY STORE HER OPINION???

Marathon watching JoJo’s Bachelorette season

But just wait it gets better: A Bach producer calls and asks if they’ll go on After The Final Rose to give JoJo advice.

“That’s weird.” -Lauren

“It’s weird to give advice?” -Ben

Those two sentences are all of us.

Ben saying that is such a stupid, straight male thing to say. Like, NO BEN, the act of giving advice isn’t weird. Him saying that just implies he thinks Lauren is being jealous and crazy.

SHE’S NOT CRAZY FOR THINKING IT’S WEIRD. SHE IS HUMAN FOR THINKING IT’S WEIRD. IT IS HELLA WEIRD, BEN AND ALL STRAIGHT MALES EVERYWHERE.

And then this: Lauren lets Ben talk her into going with him on After The Finale Rose, to give precious JoJo advice. What is the 19th amendment. What is feminism.

And then it gets better: #BenAndLauren binge watch all episodes of JoJo’s Bachelorette season together on the effing couch Ben has always owned in his effing home.

I know you’re probably reading this thinking who cares what’s the big deal.

BUT CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE WITH ME FOR 2 SECONDS????

You’re with your bf. You have baggage. There’s the normal non-celeb human baggage of dealing with the fact that he has a past and exes and significant, intimate memories with girls who aren’t you.

Then there is the unique, special I-chose-to-be-on-the-bachelor baggage that is dealing with your boyfriend’s ex, who he fell in love with whilst falling for you. HAHA SPECIAL BAGGAGE.

AND NOW YOU GET TO WATCH HER IN THE MOST FLATTERING ANGLES, MAKE UP, AND CLOTHES THAT ABC HAS TO OFFER, WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. YOU GET TO WATCH MEN FAWN OVER YOUR BOYFRIEND’S EX, WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. YOU GET TO RE-LIVE ALL THE THINGS ABOUT HER THAT MADE YOUR BOYFRIEND FALL IN LOVE WITH HER, WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

Lauren is an emotional cutter, of this I am sure. And if you don’t know what an emotional cutter is, you should watch the SATC movie and shame on you.

Of course, JoJo talks about Ben like every other sentence on every episode. And finally, the iconic Bachelor Nation moment, when JoJo tells Jordan she’s scared to trust him because of Ben.

“You say you want to spend your life with me, you love me, you want to marry me, well Ben said all those things to me, too.” -JoJo

Remember, you’re on your couch with your boyfriend. Replace JoJo with his ex’s name. Replace Ben’s name with your boyfriend’s name.

Now try not to kill yourself.

This is Lauren’s life.

Every day.

The girl who has everything.

Living the dream.

And also hell.

Buying a toilet with the twins

This was mostly insignificant except Lauren saying she crosses her legs when she sits on the toilet and like what.

I go back and forth between loving the twins and hating the twins.

The three of them tried to replace Ben’s toilet. He came home. Just the twins, Lauren, and Ben, one big happy, incestuous family.

Going on After The Final Rose

The BTS cameras showed #BenAndLauren fighting literally seconds before walking into a live studio audience. It was amazing.

Ben said he “had no idea” how anxious she was about going on ATFR until “right before they went on the show”

HAHA????????????????????????????????????????

HEY BEN, SOME ADVICE:

• You Should Try Looking At Her Face?
• Like Looking In Her Eyes?
• Asking Her How She Feels About Going On The Show?
• Stop Trying To Convince Her To See Things Your Way Long Enough To Look At Her Face And Let Her Have An Opinion?

Ben cares about his image and the next TV appearance more than the well-being of his fiance. MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE GONE TO MERGE WHAT.

Ben did what he came to do on #ATFR. He gave his GD advice to JoJo. Lauren strained so hard to smile and look happy. There was literally a vein pulsing out of her forehead. While Ben was talking, Jordan would not even look his direction. And if he did, he wouldn’t make eye contact.

Even Jordan is v aware of The Ben Factor. Whether it’s The Man Who Broke JoJo’s Heart or The Man Who JoJo Loved Before Me, Jordan is acting weird about The Ben Factor.

But of course JoJo was fixated on Ben. Smiling, laughing and hanging on his every word.

Everyone’s body language and forehead veins said it all. And it was not scripted. This was everyone’s real human feelings for each other and trying to not feel them.

AND THEN. The ever-blessed BTS cameras showed #BenAndLauren fighting literally moments after he gave advice on live TV. Like they were still sitting in the audience, in earshot of white girls with access to mobile Twitter.

Their fight:

Was that an all right answer?-Ben
Yeah! -Lauren, looking at her phone
You didn’t sound like it, tho. Did I say something wrong? -B
No? What do you mean? -L
You were like ‘yeah!’ -B
I said ‘yeah’ multiple times -L
Like you wouldn’t even answer me, you just said ‘yeah’ -B
What? -L
It’s like when I asked you, you were like ‘yeah, and i was like ‘okay’ -B
I just said ‘yeah’? -L

Happy ~*~HaPpiLy EvEr AfTeR~*~

Next week, we get to see #BenAndLauren go on a double lunch date with #JoJoJo. Because of course Ben feels “like it’s important we go to lunch with them.”

And of course Lauren feels:

THIS IS WHAT REALITY TV DREAMS ARE MADE OF. THIS IS WHAT I’M LIVING FOR BUT I DON’T NEED A HOBBY.

The episode ends with a preview of the rest of the season and finally Lauren asking Ben, “So are you saying the wedding is off?”

I loved Ben until he loved JoJo 2016

I feel sorry for Lauren The Girl Who Has It All 2016

JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo 2016