Monthly Archives: December 2014

Home for Christmas Pt I: The actual house

Welcome to a two-part blog about being home for the holidays. If anyone read the blog about my parents visiting me for a *WEEKEND* then lawd knows me being home for two weeks unrolls enough material for a novel two whole blogs.

This “Part I” blog will cover the living situations I’m subjected to when I come back to live in the house I grew up in for a short period of time. “Part II” will cover things that happened outside the home, you know, like my parents’ form of currency (all but trading livestock and rubies) and handing out bottles of vodka for Christmas.

my parents trying to pay for things when shopping, whether they’re in Dallas or C-bad.

absolut-ely not a commonly gifted Christmas present.

but more on that later.

We’ll start from the very beginning. I flew from Dallas Lovefield to Midland Friday, Dec. 19. I did not know until moving to Dallas how *shocking* it was that I don’t fly directly into my hometown. Mind-blowing, I know, but somehow Metro Carlsbad, U.S.A., doesn’t have its own international airport yet. It’s coming. I’m sure.

Until then, us peasants have to fly into a nearby city, and drive to where I live. It’s like living in the 1800s.

I landed, and my BEST FRIEND WHOM I HAVEN’T SEEN IN TWO YEARS picked me up, so it was really exciting (hi ryan). I told him I was tired and jet lagged and that I needed Dairy Queen. He said I landed in the same time zone but okay.

We “brunched” the next day (we ate our first meal in Carlsbad at noon and subjected ourselves to wine-based margaritas). Then he came over to my house in its pre-big-family-dinner stage.

AKA the trenches of WWII. AKA before their pack-mule-daughter-slave has had a chance to clean the house for the big family dinner. Imagine an abandoned house-size storage unit.

If you’d like to see it for yourself, JUST WALK BY OUR HOUSE THAT IS BASICALLY A FISH BOWL. IT’S A HOUSE MADE OF HUMAN-SIZED WINDOWS.

THE NEAL RESIDENCE

And don’t get me started on the Wi-Fi.

our internet provider

Maybe it’s just my house, maybe it’s the whole town, I’ve yet to bang on neighbors’ doors asking for Wi-Fi services. I swear the Wi-Fi is conducted by a hamster running on a wheel somewhere in the corner of a closet in my home. A fat, tired hamster.

It’s so bad, that even though I have Wi-Fi turned on on my phone, I’ve used up all my data for the month. ALL OF IT. 100%.

If you want to drown your overcharge-data woes in food, then good luck to you when staying at The Neals. I swear, I have no idea what my parents eat when I’m gone.

Contents of the pantry:

  • Four-six opened bags of half-eaten sunflower seeds
  • Condensed milk
  • Bags of dry rice
  • Two of the largest bins of Folgers coffee sold in the world (AKA THE COFFEE-ARMPIT OF AMERICA)
  • Apple cider vinegar (my mom “craves” this which I can’t even comment on because I’ll gag)
  • Seventy-three plastic bottles of varied syrups and honeys
  • Pam
  • Flour
  • Mayonaise
  • Angel food cake
  • One lost sweet  potatoe
  • Gelatin
  • Literally every type of nut sold in south-eastern New Mexico (walnuts, peanuts, pistachios, almonds, NAME A NUT, THE NEALS WILL HAVE IT)
  • Morton salt
  • Hot chocolate packets probably from 2007

And in case you don’t believe me, or care to see the meticulous organized fashion in which the pantry is arranged, please do see the image below.

hi

child abuse???

The fridge is no better. It’s avocados, ginger root, an full, uncovered head of broccoli. All kinds of milk except normal milk. So almond milk, rice milk, goat milk, soy milk. I’m not kidding. And then like four thousand liquid vitamins.

Murder me.

This is a come-home-for-christmas nightmare. WHERE IS HOMEMADE CHEESECAKE, DIRTCAKE, ENCHILADAS OR SOMETHING I CAN REALLY HATE MYSELF FOR EATING?????????????? I DON’T COME HOME TO GO ON A DIET, I LEAVE HOME FOR THAT. HELP ME.

staring into the fridge.

No one is safe until there is a family dinner, after which there is a surplus of leftovers.

No one is safe when you’re sleeping either.

Or at least not in my room, where A WINDOW (CONCEALED BEHIND THE SHUTTERS) HAS BEEN OPEN SINCE I’VE BEEN HOME. So when a cold draft blew in last Tuesday, I GOT A COLD AND I HAD IT FROM WEDNESDAY NIGHT-SATURDAY. Why was the window open? TO ACCOMMODATE FOR A POWER CORD FOR THE FRONT PORCH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.

HELP.

My mom actually made me the best homemade chicken noodle soup and I’m fine now but it’s hard, y’all, everything is hard.

Other than said events listed above, it’s been a lot of old movies and basketball watching since coming home. I decided I’m a ~*~ D i E h A r D ~*~ Cavaliers fan now. I even liked them on Facebook. I’ll probably blog about it. So it’s official.

I’ve also been googling the price of misc. cars. So apparently I’ve had a sex change since being home. #Basketball #Cars. #ok #bye

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It’s a Wonderful Life, but not until you get it

this advertisement is in color just like the movie oh wait

Quick catch up: I entered the “real world” when I was 22 and until that very year, I had no idea how stupid I was at movies. Apparently I haven’t seen any movie that’s ever existed. I only know this because my coworkers constantly quote movies and I can’t keep up, even though I pretend to.

I won’t say they’ve created a Google Doc of movies I need to see, but I won’t say they haven’t.

But one of the few movies my parents DID raise me on was It’s a Wonderful Life. And I love it. I watched this movie the other night for the first time since, oh, the nineties. And so I obviously had some new realizations about it. Here they are.

1. Wait, do ears really bleed like that?

i dont pop molly i rock tom ford

Remember when young George Bailey gets bitch-slapped? And his ear gushed? It kind of scarred me for life, but I’m fine. I now realize that he saved the old man’s business. Great.

I mainly took this opportunity to point out that my pierced ears bleed every time I wear earrings because it’s clear I was created for expensive metals. Someone spoil me. Anyone. 

2. Everything is war between blondes vs. brunettes

“This old thing? Why, I only wear it when I don’t care how I look.”

“I didn’t want to marry anybody else in town. I want my baby to look like you. “

Here’s a movie plot for you:

All guys want the blonde. Blonde wants the main guy. Brunette wants the main guy. Main guy wants the brunette.

Did I just describe It’s a Wonderful Life or Mean Girls idk.

While both of them definitely majored in M.R.S., Violet definitely minored in Sass. Mary probably minored in Home-ec.

Life takeaway: Brunettes make better wives but blondes are more fun? Would George have swiped left on Violet if he was dating in 2014? Because I srsly doubt it. He would have taken her to a bad date at the Gingerman like the rest of us.

3. Every good couple apparently has a song

NOW WE ALL WANT THE MOON GEORGE AND NONE OF US WILL GET IT AND YOU’RE A MONSTER

And when you’re singing your song with your boo thang, having the best time of your life, that’s when one of your parents die. It’s a wonderful life.

and when he doesn’t commit you break the memory of the song then murder him wait what

4. The actual worst possible thing in the entire world ever is that you could end up an OLD MAID”

FRANK CAPRA, I’D LOVE TO GRAB COFFEE WITH YOU AND HAVE A SMALL, CALM CHAT ABOUT THIS SCENE.

The old maid scene is actually what inspired this blog. Clarence is showing George what his life would have been like if he was never born. After Clarence went through every person in the movie, George fearfully asked what became of his wife, Mary. Clarence was hesitant. He tried to avoid it. He couldn’t bear to say it. G got violent and finally forced it out of C.

Exact words from the movie:

George Bailey: Where’s Mary? If this is all real and I was never born, what became of Mary?
Clarence: [hesitates] Well… I don’t… I can’t…
George Bailey: [grabs Clarence by his collar] Look, I don’t know how you know these things, but if you know where my wife is, you’ll tell me.
Clarence: I… I’m not supposed to tell.
George Bailey: Please, Clarence, where’s my wife? Tell me where my wife is.
Clarence: You’re not going to like it, George.
George Bailey: Where is she? What happened to her?
Clarence: She became an old maid. She never married…
George Bailey: [desperate] Where is she? WHERE IS SHE?
Clarence: She’s… she’s just about to close up the library!
[George throws Clarence to the ground and runs off]

WHERE IS SHE HE SAYS

THE LIBRARY, GEORGE, GET A GRIP. BUT OH NO, HER “OLD MAID” OCCUPATION GOT THE WORST REACTION OUT OF BOTH GEORGE AND CLARENCE. FORGET THAT THE PHARMACIST WAS SENT TO PRISON FOR 20 YEARS FOR POISONING SOMEONE, I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME IN PRISON, NBD. FORGET THAT VIOLET BECAME A FREAKING PROSTITUTE. SCREW THE UNCLE FOR CHECKING INTO AN INSANE ASYLYM. THE REAL TRAGEDY IS THAT A WHITE FEMALE IN AMERICA DIDN’T MARRY, AND, GASP, HELD DOWN A JOB. OK. IT’S FINE.

butyouveGOTtobekiddingme.

This part never struck me as disturbing when I watched it as a wee human. My frontal lobe had to develop and be single before I could understand how literally insane this idea is.

ok i think my rant is over. maybe. idk. breathing.

5. ANGELS ARE REAL THO

this part of George and Clarence at the bar is funny to me because I’m an alcoholic

When I was little I would watch this, and like everything my little human brain saw, I assumed it was real, including the existence of angels. Well now that I’ve grown up and wised up a little I believe that angels are real. still.

SO I’M STILL 5 OR WHATEVER. read:

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

Hebrews 13: 1-3

AND what’s fun and weird and blog-worthy is that I read that verse the night before finding It’s a Wonderful Life on TV right when it started #HASHTAGFATEANDSTUFF

As great as this movie is, and as much as I love the scene when the entire town gives George money, I actually cried more the other day in the episode of The Office when Michael proposed to Holly ok bye.

{Images: www.filmsite.orgsafarinocturno.blogspot.compyxurz.blogspot.comwww.gonemovies.comwww.tumblr.comwww.youtube.comwww.pinterest.com}

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Holiday cards that should exist by now

One of my favorite feelings in the world is finding the PERFECT birthday or holiday card for someone. But sometimes you don’t get that feeling. Sometimes there is no card that represents your relationship or feelings for the card receiver. And sometimes you have to blog about what holiday cards should exist to feel better about it.

To your favorite group text conversation friends

At any given moment I will be in 872 group conversations. It’s hard. But necessary.

Merry Christmas, O spirit of the omni-present group text conversation. You are with me through good and bad. You’re with me on phone and desktop. You are with me even when I’m already eating at a restaurant with my friends and we text each other at the table. May the red notifications blend cheerily with the green messages app.

me receiving texts from all the group convos

To your best guy friend that puts up with everything and gets nothing in return

Most of my best friends are guys and their suffering is real.

Have a holly jolly Christmas, dear friend with no benefits. I won’t put a present under your tree because we’re both too poor to buy each other gifts, but by the way, I need you to mount my new TV on my wall because if i knew how to use a stud finder, i probably wouldn’t be single hanging out with you as much as i do bye. 

you know who you are man-besties

To your old college friend who you run into at the bars whose name you don’t remember

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Best wishes to you, you once Lubbockite, now Dallasite you, or maybe you haven’t graduated yet, I’m not sure, maybe you’re from here and visiting for the weekend, I’m not sure, you oh you, I wish the best of seasons to… you.

BYEeee… .. you!

To your ex-boyfriends

KIDDING LOL kind of.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS I’M MORE FLAWLESS THAN EVER BYE.

To you uber driver

I owe my life to so many of you.

Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukah, actually IDK what you believe, thank you for serving, Go Cowboy’s, give me a discount, do you have an iPhone 5 charger, and a Happy New Year, speaking of which, are you working that night.

To someone you’re trying to friendzone

This actually once happened to me. The guy I had been talking to for months didn’t get me a card “because he couldn’t find one that described us.” well THEY DON’T MAKE HALF-ASS DATING VALENTINES CARDS I’M SORRY. Why don’t they make friendzone cards.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, from an arm’s length distance, may you attend many parties, with people your age, and a Happy New year, where we won’t be hanging out together.

THEY’RE LITERALLY NOT DATING

To your parent’s bosses

I had like 8 thousand million hospital bills this year and I was not going to survive them alone. To the source of my parent’s income, I thank you.

We wish you a Merry Christmas, from me my parents, and all the dogs, we wish you a merry christmas, ur the reason i eat when i go home, and i take food very srsly, and a happy new year etc

~*~#BLeSSeD~!~

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