They say every day is a holiday. Sites like this will confirm that notion. What most people don’t realize, is that every day, somewhere in the world, is a white girl’s birthday. Every single day, dare I add “literally” to that statement.
As a white girl, I’m forced to attend a lot of events to celebrate said occasions. It’s despicable. I’ve decided to capture real-life, anecdotes, and life lessons events that happen when you celebrate a white girl’s birthday. Prepare yourself.
The different types of “late” that white girls run.
Oh, you thought there was only one type of running late? You’re so glad you have me. Allow me to list the types of late that it is actually possible to be on any given night with a white girl.
- The standard “just running 30 minutes behind” late. A common kind of white girl. Always tell this girl the party is 30 minutes earlier than it actually is.
- The “I’m sorry I was at XX” late. This white girl is barely fitting you in her busy schedule. This might be her 3rd stop of the night, and it’s not her last. There will be other places she has to go before the world ends at 2 A.M. Plan on said person showing up HOURS late and having to text you 5 times while she’s on her way there to make sure you haven’t bar-hopped.
- The “Where are we going again?” late. There’s nothing like someone who doesn’t read texts or Facebook events.
- The “I’ve been here all along, but I ran into XX” late. THIS PERSON HAS ACTUALLY BEEN AT THE LOCATION FOR AN UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME, BUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE, YOU’RE WELCOME.
- The “You guys started early!” late. Some people have a hard time drinking between the hours of 6-9 P.M. Because that blurs the lines between day drinking and night drinking, and those gray hour areas are why God invented Happy Hour. If your party starts between 6 – 9, most people won’t know what to do with their hands, and won’t show up until 11 P.M.
You’ll meet other girls at the bar who are also celebrating a birthday.
One of them will be wearing a matching sash and crown.
Taking pictures doesn’t require a masters but it should.
HOW many white guys does it take to get a non-blurry, decently centered photo, worthy for a white girl’s instagram? I’LL TELL YOU. A FREAKING MILLION. Nothing causes a bigger scene than asking a stranger to take 17 photos, all on different iPhones, all different poses. Bless everyone involved and may he who labors bear the fruits of his work.
The HAPPY NEW YEARS!/Kim Kardashian circa 2006 girls.
Spotted: 8 long sleeve sequin mini dresses in skyscraper heels. Don’t get me wrong — I’m ALL about the power of a #GNO outfit that makes you feel fabulous and fierce. But it IS possible to be fab and fierce without cross dressing.
You will scream at the top of your lungs when a new friend arrives, like you haven’t seen them, or breathed, in years.
The surrounding 20-30 people will hate you but you love attention of all kinds, you Basic you.
Everyone will have obnoxious spirit for their alma matter.
Blessed is he who begins a successful RAIDER POWER chant in public. That happens often, but those WOOP Aggie people are also infamous for disgusting things like this.
Someone will be drinking a skinny margarita.
(spoiler alert: it was me last time). Is this a Mexican food restaurant? Is there a mariachi band around? No? THAT WON’T STOP A WHITE GIRL FROM ORDERING A “SKINNY MARG,” I TELL YOU THE TRUTH. Even if it’s the LEAST south of the border bar in Dallas, this is Texas, and almost everywhere serves freaking margaritas.
I really didn’t learn how to drink to match the environment until after college. Which is weird because basically everyone in my family is an alcoholic, so I don’t know how that life lesson hit me so late. I vividly remember sitting in Triple J’s, in Lubbock circa senior year of college, and ordering a vodka cranberry. AKA the undergrad white girl drink of choice. I look back at that and think “Okay then.”
You’ll meet actual Benjamin Button.
So you’re at the bar. Where you’ve been for what seems like seventeen years. And you meet a guy about your age, who looks pretty cute, even in his flat bill hat. wait, am i into flat bill hats? you ask yourself.
After talking to said guy for a bit, he inevitably tells you his age, and he is 33. EDITORS NOTE: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING 33.
But your mind is blown because he doesn’t look a day over a young-looking 24, so you’re convinced this man is aging backwards, and in a few years he’ll be in his 40’s but look like a teenager. Also, only GOD knows what’s under that flat bill.
You’ll meet a stranger who you have mutual friends with and your brain will explode.
This is real life. Dallas is a small, small, small little tiny place, full of people who all know someone who knows someone who dated their college roommate on Tinder recently.
“Pretend you’re my boyfriend!”
Ahh yes, there comes a time in the night when a white girl gets hit on (GASP!!!!) by “a creeper” and has to pretend to be grossed out, and needs another white male within the friend-group to “be my boyfriend pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
This tactic is uncannily flirty, however said fake boyfriend is usually gay.
People will tell you their names but you’ll name them yourself.
Also known as people I’ve met recently:
- Beard #1
- Beard #2
- Beard #3
- Beard #4 (yes I met 4 bearded men in one night recently, it was exhausting)
- Kendra Scott girl
- Lesbian motor-cycler
- Really wants to wash her hands girl
- Don’t block her view of the TV lady
- Man with baby
- Guy from Not Somewhere In Texas
- Spiked hair
- He has a girlfriend guy
good luck and happy birthday to all the white girls today is ur day good luck sky’s limit