Category Archives: The Bachelor Chris Soules

The Bachelor season finale: Everything is literally exactly what it seems

Blogging is hard. Here were random thoughts I had throughout the finale. Pls don’t expect complete thoughts/sentences or competent grammar. 

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The Bachelor, Episode 9: I can’t, I have my guard up

IMG_1793

Is this a food blog now? i’m a food blogger. quitting my day job and food blogging.

Listen. I have something extremely important to say. I made chili tonight without following the recipe and I’m so impressed with myself it hurts.

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Episode 8: Am I crying?

Age: 25 Occupation: Chiropractic Assistant Height: 5’5″ Tattoos: Two

The episode opens up with Chris taking out Becca, the most forgettable character on this season of the Bachelor.

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Where are the bachelor blogs?

Oh, I’ll tell you.

Episode 5 & 6 are missing blog recaps. it’s hard.

Truth be told, I still haven’t watched episode five. Which is a shame because that was the episode where Calry and Chris had an awkward sex guru date, and also when they all went to Santa Fe AND SOMEONE THOUGHT NEW MEXICO WAS IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY IT’S FINE I’M FINE I’M NOT FROM NEW MEXICO AT ALL.

I watched episode six, and even blogged about it. Then my computer died. and 80% of the blog was deleted. And i haven’t found a spare 4 hours in my life to dedicate to rewriting that. It’s hard.

And then the producers of ABC are really doing everything they can to kill us by having a special THREE FREAKING HOUR episode of The Bachelor ON THE SABBATH, but more importantly, DURING SNL’S 40TH ANNIVERSARY EPISODE.

MURDER ME

MURDER YOU

MURDER ALL OF US

I watched the special episode and recorded SNL because a friend who gets actually paid to write about The Bachelor needed my cable. But i did not have it in me to blog it. I was le tired. I slept in and napped twice yesterday, but it wasn’t enough sleep to acquire the energy it takes to blog a three hour episode. I just. You know. Sometimes. I just. I can’t. Bye.

it’s in these hard times i like to softly sing “Cowboy Take Me Away” to myself, while staring at flying cat gifs

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The Bachelor, Episode 4: We get it.

This blog is two weeks in the making so I waste no time jumping right in. Episode 5 recap to follow later this week. Tnk U 4 Ur Pati3nze.


“I’m interested in seeing how outdoorsy the girls can be and see them in nature,” -Chris.

NO. YOU WANT TO SEE THEM HALF NAKED AND FROLICKING IN A LAKE. WE GET IT. They aren’t building campfires from scratch or making hats out of skunks, this is basically troop beverly hills, like PLEASE SPARE ME from the “outdoorsy/nature” talk.

i phCKing love this movie tho

Leave it to Kaitlyn to feel the most NaTurEy and take her swimsuit bottoms off in front of everyone before jumping in the lake.

Which just about annoys me.

Like if you’re going to take your clothes off for comedic effect on television, why are you half assing it, LITERALLY HALF ASSING IT??? why not just completely skinny dip????? ARE YOU TOO MODEST, KAIT??????????????? and by the way WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THIS what are you trying to prove???? OKAY, YOU’RE FUN, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, WE GET IT.

Then everyone finally put their freaking pants on and real things started happening. Interesting things. On this group date, Chris brings in his three sisters. The Soules women will meet one-on-one with all the girls pick who goes on a date with Chris.

They show up unannounced to the mansion. All three of them are blonde. Crossfit Jillian girl complains that she didn’t want her first impression on Chris’ sisters to be of her in a tiny swimsuit.

Says the girl who has to be censored even when she’s not wearing a swimsuit. DON’T WORRY JILL, YOU WOULD’VE MADE A BAD IMPRESSION NO MATTER WHAT i’m sorry.

ABC questionnaire: If you could be a fictional character, who would you be? Iron Man — because he’s Iron Man! I want the suit and to be able to save people and fly around.

Then ABC shows scattered clips of different girls being interrogated by the Soules women, until it’s Jade’s turn.

she looks like someone i know and i can’t

Jade, not a blonde, starts getting grilled by the women with basic questions. She tells them she’s a model and casually just launched her own organic make up company. Like ok I could rub vaseline and petals in a mason jar and call it call it my own line of vegan chapstick if I wanted to.

They said, “Oh wow lot’s of special talents,” verbatim.

the sisters

Then they get serious and ask her how she is in relationships. Her safe, cliche responses really do the trick because they just drool over her, and it ends in hugs so ok. (then again, how would anyone respond to that?????? HI, I’M A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELOR, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM IN RELATIONSHIPS????? IF I WAS GOOD IN THEM I WOULD BE IN ONE AND NOT TRYING TO DESPERATELY DATE YOUR BORING SON ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.) sry

THIS IS HOW I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, SISTER SOULES

Back at the lake/campsite, Chris is having the women split into two teams and set up tents. I was about to type something insulting, then realized I don’t know how to set up a tent either. But I know how to call an Uber and gtfo out of a campsite ammirite. unless there’s no cell service but you get it we get it.

Now it’s Karli’s turn with the Soules women. Oh. HAHA. “I’ve never had a guy really be nice to me,” was literally the first sentence out of her mouth. She starts getting choked up. Soft piano music starts playing. Behind the scenes, she tells the camera that she “wants Chris’ affection.”

NO YOU DON’T. YOU WANT ANYONE’S AFFECTION LITERALLY ANYONE WE GET IT.

This is Carly and she is cute and sweet and from Arlington and my friend wrote a funny blog about her date on episode 5. (click the pic to read it)

Can you imagine if this was real life. If your parents sat with all the guys you were dating and then picked the one you would go out with. ISN’T THIS HOW IT ACTUALLY WORKS IN SOME CULTURES THO??? ARRANGED MARRIAGES ARE REAL.

I shudder to think what my parents would ask my “sUiToRz” (HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF THEM), and maybe it could be a reality television show in and of itself. We’ll call the show Boom Dating because our baby boomer parents pick who we date. YOU CAN REACH ME ON THE GMAIL, MTV PRODUCERS.sryimdone

Back from commercials. A card is brought to the house and JADE WAS THE CHOSEN ONE. Chris’ sisters picked her to go on the ~*~SpEciAL~*~ Cinderella date.

Is anyone else moderately surprised by this? I was expecting them to pick a feisty blonde (or any blonde) not a shy brunette.

Cut back to the campsite. Do I even need to blog about this part? It’s extremely predictable. The women are drinking whiskey, Ashley S. is talking about aliens, and the virgin Kardashian (Ashley I.) cannot stop talking about being a virgin while also forcing her tongue down Chris’ throat.

The Kardashian later sneaks into his tent and ruins all of our lives. She tells Chris over and over how she’s so “innocent and inexperienced.” #WEGETITCANYOUNOT

ashley I.

First of all, Chris is too stupid to pick up on hints and insinuations.

Secondly, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ALL OF US AT HOME?????? CONGRATU-FREAKING-LATIONS WE ARE ALL VERY PROUD AND EVEN MORE SKEPTICAL.

Chris later tells the camera he had no idea what she was talking about. We know, Chris. We know.

Now all the girls are at the mansion. An old woman with pink hair and a possy of gay men barge in the house and I suddenly feel like I’m watching America’s Next Top Model. Except the girls are prettier on the bachelor (lol i’m laughing at myself sue me).

Then something really annoying starts happening. The perfect date, I THINK IT’S A GREAT DATE, SUE ME. SUE ME. They roll out tons of gowns, designer shoes, jewelry, the works. Jade gets to pick out everything. She tried on an amazing partly-sheer sequin gown. All the girls are sitting around gawking and jealous. And by all the girls I mean all the girls on the show and all of us at home.

THEN THE PINK HAIRED GOD MOTHER TELLS JADE SHE GETS TO KEEP EVERYTHING SHE WEARS. LITERALLY, DIE JADE. UGHKLSFKJLFDJKLDLSKJFKJFKKSFDLJKFDS

Then Jade picks out the ugliest dress you’ve ever seen in your life and about 782 pieces of product placement find their way into the show. Cinderella paid for all of this, we get it, ABC.

I’m actually mad about the dress she picked. I’m still mad. It’s so bad.

I’m still mad. ugh

ALL of the girls hate her so much right now.

It’s daylight out when Jade leave to go on her date with Chris. THE CAMERA SHOWS CHRIS PRACTICING THE WALTZ BY HIMSELF AND IT IS HONEST TO GOD ONE OF THE FUNNIEST BACHELOR SCENES I’VE EVER SEEN I’M SORRY.

Because no one pushes the cheese factor quite like ABC, grand music plays while Jade walks down a 100-step staircase. I’d give anything to see her trip i’m sorry. They have a candlelit dinner alone in a really large, dark room and it feels very beauty and the beast. There is a glass slipper on a table nearby. ohmygodwegetit.

During dinner, Jade tells Chris she was engaged once. Chris said he was too. HELL, I WAS TOO AT THIS RATE. It’s possible Chris doesn’t even know what they’re talking about and he’s just agreeing and saying “me too” to everything.

I literally hate Ashley I. Sorry. she’s going around the house wearing a ball gown, complaining and eating an ear of corn. ok.

Chris tells the camera that while Jade is pretty on the outside, her inner beauty is what really stands out to him. SO CHRIS THINKS YOU’RE FUGLY, JADE, HOW DOES IT FEEL. Then he gives her a rose and I’m bored.

Now they’re waltzing to a full symphony on a tiny circular stage. A scene from the upcoming Cinderella movie is playing in the background. They kiss. I tweet about frozen yogurt.

Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 8.27.41 PM

The clock strikes midnight and she runs out. we get it, abc. they’re really outdoing themselves this episode.

Now the girls are dressed in long white gowns, I assume wedding dresses from ghosts of divorced wives past. They have to complete a muddy obstacle race wearing the dress because of course they do.

“HERE IS A WEDDING DRESS AND HERE IS THE MUD, AND THIS DRESS IN THE MUD IS THE ANALOGY OF YOUR LIFE.” -subliminal message from ABC producers.

Truly, I would rather die than do an obstacle course of any kind. Like where is the nearest margarita machine.

Jillian is jumping, leaping, par-koring, sprinting, and flying. Karli cheated and is still far behind everyone. Jillian crosses the finish line and kisses her biceps and I’m cringing.

Sometimes when a girl is so extremely opposite me, I find her weirdly fascinating and I think she’s so cool (Hi Kate Middleton, Blair Eadie, and a singer at Truck Yard who sounds exactly like Janis Joplin) and sometimes when a girl is so unlike me, I don’t comprehend what’s happening and it’s too painful to watch with two eyes, so I squint at her through my fingers with one eye. And that’s how I feel about Jillian.

this is blair eadie because all of you already know what KM looks like

Chris feels the same way. Because after their date, she didn’t get a rose.

It’s still sad when he breaks up with her and she cries and tells the camera she just wants the person she’s supposed to spend her life with.

😦

Then Chris opens to the camera about being single at 33 and how he’s wanted to be married for a long time, and he’s worried this won’t work out for him and how he’ll be “concerned for his potential in life.”

😦

And then you pause from laughing and making fun of everyone on the show and remember that they’re all here because they really need someone/something to fill a gap.

YOUR SELF WORTH IS NOT BASED ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS. AM I A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER??????? SHOULD I DO A TED TALK?????? SOMEONE GIVE ME A MIRCOPHONE ANYONE ok stopping now.

Now it’s cocktail hour and three things happen.

  1. Ashley I. FINALLY tells Chris what she’s been trying to say in plain English. SHE’S A VIRGIN. DOES ANYONE CARE ANYMORE. Then he acted weird, more so because she’s insane an less because she’s supposedly a virgin.
  2. Becca is also a virgin. In other news, WHO TF IS BECCA. WHO IS SHE.
    • I’M A VIRGIN TOO NOW.
    • SO IS CHRIS AND BY CHRIS I MEAN EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD EVER sry.
  3. Britt is jealous of all the alone time Kaitlyn has had with Chris. So she pulls him aside and let’s him know “what all the girls are thinking” AKA that he is just making out with everyone and not taking it seriously.

This is exciting because it means we might see Chris get angry. Which means he might show a real emotion. But when he finally confronts the room of women about it, I was disappointed. It was more like an impression of anger. Like what he thinks anger is supposed to look like. I felt like he wasn’t actually mad????? I WANTED HIM TO KIND OF BREAK A PLATE OR SOMETHING BUT IT’S FINE.

Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. are then sent home.

this girl’s ex husband died so no one is allowed to make fun of her on the internet

bye nikki also who are you

I’m about to get on my soapbox just when you thought this post was over. See below.

Let’s talk about Ashley S.’ Bachelor form, something they all have to fill out for fun when they apply. See here.

Ashley S.

Bachelorette – Eliminated Week 4

Age: 24
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Hometown: Brooklyn, NY
Height: 5’7″
Tattoos: None
Can’t live without: Lip gloss, coffee, my journal, people I love, sunshine
Biggest date fear: Having nothing to talk about

I love it when my date shares intimate conversation.

I hate it when my date is constantly on the phone.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?
Help my uncle and my grandmother…and of course buy some amazing Italian shoes.

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be?
Thumbelina, because she’s persuaded by so many families to become a part of theirs, but in the end of the fairy tale she follows her heart. My favorite childhood story.

Top 3 all-time favorite movies?
Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Sex and the City, and Seven Pounds.

What does being married mean to you?
It is the highest honor to a relationship and 100% commitment.

SO I’M GUESS I’M JUST CONFUSED ABOUT HOW NORMAL AND RELATABLE THESE RESPONSES ARE???????? DID SHE EVEN FILL THIS OUT HERSELF???? WAS SHE FAKING BEING MENTALLY INSANE THIS WHOLE TIME?????? THOSE ARE GREAT MOVIES SHE PICKED. ITALIAN SHOES ARE AMAZING. SHE JOURNALS.

I DONT GET IT. WE DON’T GET IT.

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The Bachelor, Episode 3: can you not

Episode 3

It’s dark. It’s quiet. All are sleeping in the crisp, early morning.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east. And Jimmy Kimmel is the sun.

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 10.05.49 PM

I’m so happy rn. We needed to bring in a comedian. Jimmy wakes up Soules in the early morning and whispers sweet hilarious nothings into his ear.

“….Are you naked? ….We’re about to start a glorious journey together….” -Jimmy to Soules

listen guys i’m not a transcriber, Jimmy said more funny things but that’s all I captured ok

Jimmy walks into the room and everyone loses their shit and he says “hello sister wives” and i actually fell in love just now I’m fine.

I’m going to help his decision by making love to each one of you.” -Jimmy

LOL. Cue millions of thirsty women signing up to be on the next season of The Bachelor. Then Jimmy starts an “Amazing Jar” which is a huge glass jar and every time you say the word “amazing” you have to put a dollar in it.

First date: Kaitlyn (field plow/dance instructor from CA)

Age: 29 Occupation: Dance Instructor Hometown: Vancouver, BC Height: 5’4″ Tattoos: Five

She is pretty you guys. She has good hair. Middle part with that trendy tousled wave that all the chic girls are doing now. Oh, they’re drinking already. It has to be like only 11 A.M.

They arrive at Costco (ok then) and the driver gives them a grocery list from Jimmy Kimmel. I actually love grocery shopping so I’m excited rn I guess. She is wearing a white crop top with a plaid shirt tied around her waist because you never know when you’ll need to break out into a 90s Britney Spears musical.

i’m not that innocent

“There aren’t many girls I know who can handle a date like this with such class and make it so incredible.” -Soules

YOU’RE AT AN EFFING GROCERY STORE, NOT VOLUNTEERNG IN A BIG BROTHER MENTOR PROGRAM LIKE WAT

Now they’re rolling around in a blue ball that I don’t know how else to describe. They load the groceries in the car. I’m ready for her to enter this decade and change clothes now. can she not

“I’ve done weirder things.” -Kaitlyn

OH HAVE YOU/???????? ARE YOU SURE/?? BECAUSE GROCERY SHOPPING IS DEFINITELY THE WEIRDEST THING THAT’S EVER BEEN ON REALITY TV??????

HI KAITLYN CAN YOU NOT

Now they’re cooking together and drinking wine. I think Soules is slurring.

“Who needs helicopters when you have Costco?” -Soules

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. I swear to God he’s drunk. I get it, alcohol, I really do, but if all your dates with all these pretty women involve alcohol, then NO WONDER the bachelors always fall in love with ALL of the women.

i kno this b-cuz I’m rly wise and i once went on 3 whole, entire dates with a guy and then the 4th date I was as sober as an actual nun and i realized i did not even like him. it was hard on all of us.

WE NEED TO HAVE SOBER DATES WHERE THEY GO TO CHURCH TOGETHER OR LIKE FOLD LAUNDRY OR SOMETHING THAT TAKES SOBRIETY. why can’t these couples have dates at watermark i guess i just don’t get it.

Jimmy walked up on Soules and Kaitlyn making out. Jimmy asked if Soules was cheating on him and I laughed.

Kaitlyn still hasn’t changed out of her 1997 baby gap suit and I’m mad.

Jimmy brings up the fantasy suite and asks Kaitlyn what she would do if she wins, then finds out if Soules slept with other girls as well during the show. She lied and said she wouldn’t mind and uttered the cliche “test driving a car” phrase.

GO AHEAD, K, TELL SOULES WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR.

Soules starts to give Kaitlyn her rose with a long, cheesy speech. Jimmy told him it sucked and made him start over omg let’s all just date Jimmy. Soules starts over and literally says amazing twice because he doesn’t know any other positive adjectives.

“Were there people on the farm or just animals?” -Jimmy to Soules

HAHA DYING

I’m mad. It’s all of us normal girls watching this on the couch that deserve a third wheel date with Jimmy. Let’s protest.

Now here we are, and the two of them had the best date they’ve ver had in their lives, but it’s not because of each other, it’s because of Jimmy.

Jimmy leaves. The two of them are now in the hot tub making out. HAHA JIMMY IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOT TUB EATING BACON AND I’M DEAD STOP

Back at the mansion. Julianne is working out. can you not? She is doing real life cross fit. They’re censor-blocking out her lower body on the camera because apparently her shorts are too small and I guess I’m just honestly grossed out.

i’m scared of her

She also looks like she could kill Chris with her bare ass hands.

Next group date invitation: Are you ready to eat some real party animals?

WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON??????????? I MISS HIM

All the girls are at the farm. He’s wearing a black and red checkered shirt. Jimmy explains what they’re doing and it’s all farming skills. Cracking eggs without cracking the yoke, goat milking and drinking, mason jars involved, shoveling maneur, wrestling pigs etc.

a still from the bachelor, episode 3.

Carly, from Arlington, said she is allergic to goat milk, but will compete anyway. ok then.

Cross fit Jillian is flexing at the camera and everyone hates her with good reason and hey jillian can u not

“If a girl her can’t shuck corn or get her hands dirty, she’s not for me.” -Soules

I get embarrassed for the girls when they have to compete in stupid obstacles to fight for the bachelor. it’s hard to look at.

THE PRODUCERS ARE STILL CENSORING JILLIAN’S SHORTS LIKE WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS SHE WEARING. THIS IS THE SAME GIRL WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS “STAY CLASSY.” SO.

Here is the part where we watch a basic, high maintenance white females wrestle pigs.

JILLIAN LOST AND CARLY WON LOLOL. She won a blue ribbon.

she’s from Arlington which is basically dallas which is where i live and i’m basically on this season of the bachelor

Now Carly and Soules are alone, and it’s night, and they’re wearing cocktail attire and she says “You know what, you’re a man, I’m a woman, and I want to do this.” AND SHE KISSES HIM

WHAT

WUT

WAT

then she asks him if he want to slow dance with her

NO

no

N O stop . STOP

can you NOT???? are you a GUY?????????????? Then they just stand up and make out and i’m mad.

Cut to a scene with Soules kissing another girl. Like every time I look up from my computer he is kissing a different girl I swear.

Mackenzie, girl with bad hair who IS ONLY TWENTY-ONE goes up to Soules and tells him she’s upset he’s kissing everyone.

she’s actually really pretty but like you’re twenty-one can you not be here pls 

Throughout this whole show every time someone says amazing a little “ding” sounds and it’s hilarious and amazing see what i did there.

Soules is alone with Becka and she shuts down his kiss. Minutes later he gives her a rose. So this non-kiss strategy is working

congrats on not kissing soules i guess what do you want from me stop tanning

RECAP: Carly won the competition and then threw herself all over him and did not get a rose. Let that sink in. How much would you want to die rn.

Next date with Whitney invitation: “No Wine-ing”

OH BOY MORE ALCOHOL. They’re in the limo. Whitney has the most annoying, tiny voice on God’s good earth. She has the kind of voice that makes other girls IMMEDIATELY hate you. She’s wearing hot pink which isn’t helping her cause.

i have a mental block about the color yellow so whitney can you not

They’re drinking wine by a river. Soules says something about “shooting the shit” and it was forgettable. Then they see a wedding going on in a distant field. Whitney pretends she’s spontaneous and suggests going to crash the wedding. Soules can’t act like a little pansy so he faintly agrees to. He takes large gulps of wine because we all know he is scared for his life.

They’re walking to the field and I’m in pain. now it’s night time and they’re in different clothes and i’m confused about time travel but they did it. they just waltz into the reception and cameras shoot from behind nearby trees. She puts a ring on there left ring finger and tells people she’s engaged to Soules because of course she does.

HE EVEN TELLS PEOPLE SHE’S HIS FIANCE.

This would be so much better if Whitney or Soules were actually funny or made any version of any kind of joke. But they’re just going around saying they’re engaged and the girl is REALLY good at making up elaborate stories and it’s on the disturbing side.

She didn’t catch the bouquet. Karma is hard.

Soules tells the camera he could imagine Whitney as his wife. Recap: Soules has said this about every female he’s ever met on this show ever.

He gives her a rose. They tell each other thank you. ok.

“This won’t be the last wedding we crash if we get married.” -Soules

Ok that was sweet i guess.

Now it’s the next day and Soules is working out. HE SHOULD FOR AS MUCH AS THEY DRINK ON THIS SHOW. Cue Kimmel and Soules showering together and then me dying.

can YOU EVEN RIGHT NOW??????????? LAWLS 4 DAYS

Back at the mansion with Jimmy, there are like a thousand dollar bills in the amazing swear jar. Jimmy announces that there will be a pool party instead of a cocktail party.

Now Juelia, the girl whose husband committed suicide, is telling the camera she needs to tell Soules HoW ShE FeELzZz. It is actually a really sad story, obviously, and I’m not hear to downplay that, I’m only here to judge her hair and clothes and everything she says.

She is kind of channeling Lauren Conrad circa Laguna Beach hashtag Steven. I guess darken your hair and stop tanning, Juelia. Welcome to life past 2009. sry. I’m sry.

So she pulls him away from a thousand half naked women and is determined to ruin his day with her life story. It’s daylight. He listens to her. They hold hands.

I swear this conversation took up 79% of the two hour show. I literally started checking Facebook and reading #cavs articles because I’m a man and a basketball fan now. when i tune back in, she’s bawling.

LITERALLY GUYS I JUST RESPONDED TO A COMMENT ON INSTAGRAM AND THEY’RE STILL TALKING

I GOT UP AND ATE CEREAL SEVEN YEARS LATER AND THEY’RE STILL TALKING

I GAVE BIRTH AND HAVE A FAMILY AND MY CHILDREN ARE MARRIED NOW AND THEY’RE STILL TALKING

ok

Now Britt is talking to him. now they’re making out and it’s literally steamy. THERE ARE OTHER GIRLS AROUND. Britt is the prettiest so sucks to be everyone else right now I guess.

according to her bio on abc.com, she can’t live without her bible. so. #PLOTTWIST #DIDNTSEETHATONECOMING

Jade steals him away. Now they’re in a cabin and jumping on beds. They’re touching. She’s literally wearing a swimsuit and high heels and they’re laying on a bed. I feel like I should be covering my eyes. Like I shouldn’t be able to see this.

Jade is a “cosmetics developer” so she works behind the make up counter at walgreens basically

9 seconds later, Soules is in a hot tub with Jillian. The Kardashian look alike is more worked up than that one time when Kim lost an earring in the ocean.

I just ate a piece of white chocolate and I am so happy I could die. The Kardashian lookalike is crying and I guess I just wish I cared more. SOMEONE GIVE THE GIRL A PIECE OF WHITE CHOCOLATE.

this is like her 87th reality show can every one just leave her alone pls

Now she and Soules are talking but all I can think about is Chris Harrison and if he’s ok and why no one has told me where he is.

The Kardashian starts laughing and then immediately crying. Soules asks is she’s okay. All of these girls need to see a doctor for mental health. She’s laughing again. NOW THEY’RE MAKING OUT BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE. She says “I feel so much better.”

DO YOU???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

god. i’m exhausted just sitting here.

OH MY GOD CHRIS HARRISON IS HERE FINALLY AND HOLDING CHAMPAGNE AND GOD BLESS AMERICA. Now it’s man time. Harrson, Jimmy, and Soules are talking to each other before the cocktail party. I’m kind of distraught that Ashley hasn’t had a mentally unstable crisis this episode.

kill/marry/f

COCKTAIL HOUR TIME.

Jade gets the first rose. Mackenzie gets a rose later on, proving that guys literally do not care about your hair. Britt gets a rose (I call she’s in top 3). Juelia. How could he cut her after that. Carly. Glad to know she didn’t drink goat’s milk for nothing. ASHELY S. AKA ONION GIRL AKA HELP JUST GOT A ROSE WHY GOD WHY.

Jimmy walks out and announces it’s the final rose.

Ashley I. gets a rose and I swear has more attitude than a teenage Avril fan.

THE ROSELESS

the only black girl on the show got cut HAPPY MLK DAY. She was the only girl who was REALLY upset about leaving tonight. Sad, slow piano music involved. Soules don’t like chocolate.

another normal girl gets cut. some guys just like ’em crazy. 

idk who this is so

the best part of the episode is when Chris Harrison “cuts” Jimmy, and he “cries” in the limo screaming WE SPENT FOUR DAYS TOGETHER.

bye.

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The Bachelor, Episode 2: Fabric softener has nothing on Chris Soules

Episode 2

Chris Soules, before being eaten alive and manipulated by the only women he’s ever been around, right before our eyes on national television.

The show jumps right in. Like no intro. I was a little confused and thrown off, it was so abrupt. Like hi ok then catching breath now.

As we all saw on the last episode, Kimberly walked back into the mansion AFTER she got cut, circa 5 A.M. Now we get to see what happens. I can’t think of anything worse than still wearing heels at 5 A.M. being cut after staying up ALL night.

this is kimberly and in case there is any confusion, Soules does NOT love her

*Kimberly and Chris standing outside in the daylight wearing cocktail hour clothes*

“I feel like I’m supposed to be here … I can’t walk away that easily.” -Kimberly
Chris sighs. 

*Cut to Soules pouring his heart out to Harrison*

“If I let her stay, what kind of message does that send to the other girls?
Then Harrison said the deepest thing ever. “This is your life so there are no rules.”

Chris Harrison is a God and I am not and I just thought that you would know.

*Cut to Kimberly saying she feels bad putting Chris in a tough spot*

OH so the YOGA TEACHER doesn’t want to “put him in a tough spot” OH OKAY. EYE ROLL FROM ALL HER YOGA CLIENTS WATCHING THIS AT HOME.

HE decides to keep her because he is literally the softest marshmallow at the campfire. Newsflash: Soules is going to be eaten alive by these women. Everyone is going to manipulate the actual shit out of him.

Photo taken of Chris Soules circa 2014

Souls walks out in the hottest pink button up top i’ve ever seen and while I can respect a man in pink, I’m not just happy right now. In fact, I’m sad.

Harrison spends at least 18 minutes, I swear to God, pumping the women up, and tells them that Soules is living just down the road, to which they all lose their shit. Is it THAT exciting??????????????? It’s not.

The first group date is announced. Message: Show me your country

This is where I start to get annoyed. This tells me Soules is looking for a girl to fit this “type of girl” this idea in his head. which MEANS ALL THE NON-COUNTRY GIRLS  ARE GOING TO FEEL UNWANTED AND OUT OF PLACE. i’m not a country girl i’m not biased to hating this date at all.

“I’m more kardashian than i am country.” -Ashely I, the virgin. no same Ashley, like I get it.

it’s funny when I say I’m a Kardashian, but when Ashley I. says it, you have to double take and think about it, because she might ACTUALLY be one.

KIMBERLY BETTER IMPRESS MY ASS OFF ON THIS GROUP DATE.

I also can’t stand girls who refer to Soules as “my future husband.” die in a fire.

Now all the girls are in bikinis because everything about this show is absolutely predictable.

What exactly about being in a pool half naked together is country?????????

Kimberly and Soules talk alone. They’re both still half naked. Nothing significant happened in this conversation.

Back at the mansion, Jillian and Megan are running off together causing mischief and my only question here is WHAT IN GODS NAME IS GOING ON WITH JILLIAN’S BIKINI BOTTOM?????? THE PRODUCERS ACTUALLY HAD TO BLACK IT OUT. HOW HARD IS IT TO WEAR A BIKINI BOTTOM WITH COVERAGE??????

WHY. LITERALLY I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I'M SCARED AND NEVER WANT TO UNDERSTAND. HELP.

WHY. LITERALLY I DON’T UNDERSTAND AND I’M SCARED AND NEVER WANT TO UNDERSTAND. HELP.

i’m so uncomfortable.

Now all the women are walking on the street in heels and swimsuits. I’m not saying I would commit suicide if I were there, I’m just saying I would jump in front of an actual moving  vehicle.

Soules of course is fully clothed.

Soules announces there is going to be a tractor race downtown. The women are basically naked, in streets of a big city, and now they’re driving tractors. There will be no visits on http://www.farmersmeet.com tonight because all farmers in America are watching The Bachelor.

I think one of the girls is drunk driving a tractor. God bless America.

Soules tell them to start their engines but like CHRIS, TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE PLEASE. I’m rooting for the Kim Kardashian look alike.

The tractors are extremely slow. and i’m bored. i actually checked Facebook while they raced but THE KARDASHIAN WON SO I WANT TO MEET KYLIE JENNER. Soules and the Kardashian leave the group.

Cut back to all the girls who didn’t win the race. One of the girls revealed that she has a daughter and an ex husband. He killed himself right after their daughter was born. She cried as she told the girls. I’m not even there and I’m incredibly uncomfortable. Hard. All the other girls are showering her in support. like what do you even say to that.

hi i barely met you but i’m sorry you went through this extremely hard time, i’m half drunk and don’t know the first thing to say to you, but i’ll see you at the ceremony tonight, hoping chris picks me over you.

I get that a lot of people have tragic stories, but if your only goal by sharing your story is to get sympathy, I’m over you. imoveryou.

After Soules and Kardashian finish their wine on the tractor, he revealed he wanted to finish the night with Mackenzie. Said the Kardashian, “I feel jipped,” because he isn’t spending the night with her after she won the race. YOU HAVE AN EFFING VIDEO GAME NAMED AFTER YOU, YOU’RE FINE.

I hope the date with Mackenzie is at a hair salon because girl is having so many follicle issues  i can’t even.

Cut to nightfall. Nice restaurant. Mackenzie is 21 with a child and bad hair. She boldly claims, “I”m suuuuuuuuuper observant to weird stuff,” and calls him out on noticing he used to have a pierced ear. He is visibly embarrassed. I love it. Then she goes on and on about how she likes men with big noses, and how he has a great nose.

“I’ve never had this conversation on a first date,” Soules tells the camera.

She asks him if he believes in aliens. He is NOT into it. And this is the guy who kept the “plow fields” girl.

Now my friends and I are arguing about whether it’s ok or not for her to be saying such weird things. My opinion: NO IT’S NOT OKAY. YES IT’S WEIRD. THIS IS THE FIRST DATE. YOU’RE ON EFFING NATIONAL TELEVISION. THE PRODUCERS ARE PAYING FOR EVERYTHING. IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO???????? FREAKING ALIENS????????? YOU’RE TRYING TO GET A MAN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU’RE RAMBLING ABOUT ALIENS. OKAY.

Then she told him about her son, and it was honestly the most normal thing she said all night. Soules tells the camera that it’s attractive how passionate she is about her kid. ok then. He gives her a rose. LOLOLOLOL

“She wore the ugliest dress the first night, then got one of the first dates, which truly shows guys don’t care about fashion.” -Paige Skinner

and GOD SHE IS SO RIGHT. AND WE’RE MAD.

The next date invite is for Megan. Message: Love is a natural wonder.

Back at the mansion, it’s girl chat with Mackenzie, where she said that Soules kissed her “FIVE TIMES.” But…. did he?? or is this is a lie??? I don’t remember this. i probably would have Snapchatted it.

Soules walks in and everyone acts like he is a One Direction band member. He is wearing a good shirt this time. Blue button up. He whisks Megan away. He takes her to a helicopter. They go for a sky ride. Where have I seen this before? Oh that’s right, every Bachelor/Bachelorettte episode ever made. 

She’s not even Snapchatting the experience. Why even go.

I can’t decide if I would even like this because I’m afraid of heights. But Megan likes it. She said it’s an opportunity of a lifetime. It’s not, Megan, but we’re praying 4 u.

She’s wearing a hot pink tank top. It’s essentially a hot pink wife beater. I apologize for blogging the graphic nature of this content and sorry for making everyone puke just now, but I mean it literally when I say HOT PINK WIFE BEATER TOP.

Megan tells Soules the story of her dad dying. It’s honestly really sad. Anyone with half a soul would think this is sad. Her dad died of a heart attack. But like…………………….

Is this REALLY first date convo material???????? I think every girl on The Bachelor always tries so unbelievably hard to prove that she’s been through something really traumatic or sad. Like I get it. But stop pls.

“It was the perfect day with the perfect person.” -Soules.

OH SHUT YOUR FILTHY F*%#ING MOUTH, SOULES.

he gives her a rose. drink your wine. Megan said she’s never felt this way about a guy. Which, LITTLE GIRLS AND IMPRESSIONABLE TWENTY SOMETHINGS AT HOME READING AND WATCHING, THIS IS NOT A VALID REASON TO MARRY SOMEONE.

The next group date is announced. Message: Til death do us part. 

HOPE SOMEONE DIES TONIGHT.

The girls arrive at a Haunted House, and scarey costumed actors are attacking them in the Limo. They all scream. It was really dumb. Then they took shots of fireball before exiting the Limo.

“I want to be on the bachelor just so I can drink for 6 weeks straight.” -KK, five seconds ago at my apartment.

It’s a paintballing date where they shoot zombies. Ashely S. (crazy onion girl) is determined to shoot other girls. Which is too amazing. I hope she does. Because this is reality TV and this is America and I’m on my 2nd glass of wine and literally everything is fine.

Zombies are attacking them, they’re shooting zombies with paintball guns, and this looks fun I guess. I would sprain my ankle, but it would be fun. I think.

Then Ashley walks around and shoots the already dead Zombies. She is whispering quietly to herself tip toeing around the silent park, shooting non-moving objects. ok.

Back to the mansion, all the girls are wasted with face masks on. Jordan is the girl “who is drunk every day,” said one of the other 984523 white girls. Jordan is now twerking on the wall. WE’RE ALL JUDGING JORDAN, BUT WE WOULD ALL PROBABLY BE HER FRIEND IF THERE,  IF NOT JUST BE HER.

Soules and Plow My Field Girl are alone. She has kind of an annoying laugh but I’m 87% sure I would be her friend. Soules calls her a firecracker. HE LOVES CRAZY WOMEN. She talks about that one time when she lived in Europe which by the way, science has proven if you talk about that one time you lived in Europe, men find you 3.5x more attractive.

Crazy girl Ashely S. needs to be medicated. She has so many issues and all the girls are freaked out by her. She goes up to Soules and says, “let’s go hide,” in a really creepy tiny voice. Even Plow My Field confirmed that Ashley isn’t acting. She’s legitimately mentally disturbed.

Britt, The Crier, makes out with Soules, who by this point has kissed 3 girls, I think. He really likes her and she’s pretty. But she’s a waitress from L.A. so we all know she’s an actress using Chris to get in the industry.

Kaitlyn, Plow My Field girl, gets the pre-ceremony rose. Which obviously pisses everyone off. hehehehehe

At this point, I’ve written over 1700 words, eaten about 14 thousand sea salt and vinegar chips, and consumed 2 wines, so I  might have 8 hands. I’m ready for a rose ceremony.

Kardashian proceeds to tell a lot of the girls that she is a virgin. I think she is doing it to get attention, and because she thinks that’s what Christ wants to hear. The girls’ reactions confirm this sentiment. If she really is a virgin, then at least we’ll know she’s not a Kardashian.

Mackenzie is telling her how jealous she is, how she wishes she was a virgin, how Chris will love that, blahblbhablhalbhlablah.

Not even 4 seconds later, THE KARDASHIAN VIRGIN is TONGUE DEEP IN SOULE’S MOUTH like i’m not making this up, he is a 45 degree angle away from laying on top of her on a couch on the porch. She looks like Jasmine barbie. This is AFTER she told him she’s a virgin, but somehow i  missed that because it all happened so fast and i’m scared.

THE CRIER, BRITT, IS, YOU GUESSED IT, FREAKING CRYING

how gorgeous is she. I think i hate her.

NOW SOULES IS MAKING OUT WITH A BLACK GIRL LITERALLY WHO EVEN IS SHE AND IS IT DECEMBER 31ST, 2014 BECAUSE I REMEMBER MY FIRST LONG SLEEVE SEQUIN MINI DRESS

the only black girl on the show so chris hates civil rights and freedom and is probably a terrorist.

Jordan is blackout. The TV just showed that her occupation is student, so suddenly it all makes sense. She’s an undergrad. She’s just treating every night like it’s Texas Tech boy’s bid night and God bless. She is wearing a long white ball gown, no doubt trying to give off a wedding vibe.

I can’t keep track of how many women Soules has kissed so I’m having flashbacks to Juan Pabs rn.

The crier is annoying but she might be the prettiest psycho this season.

A GIRL FELL WALKING TO GET A ROSE AND IT WAS JUST AS HILARIOUS AS IT SOUNDS.

“I think I deserve a rose more than the girls who are drunk or just, like crazy,” -Jade

this punk ass got a rose. jade ^^

TELL THAT TO THE MILLIONS OF DRUNK GIRLS WATCHING THIS SHOW AT HOME RIGHT NOW.

ANOTHER ALLCAPS WORTHY MOMENT: EFFING SOULES JUST GAVE ONION GIRL ASHLEY THE LAST ROSE. I’M GOING TO MURDER EVERYONE IN A HALF MILE RADIUS I’M SO MAD.

….

Girls who Soules will never marry: Jordan (who was blackout the whole episode), Kimberly (the girl who ran back into the mansion after being cut episode 1), Tara (wore denim shorts and boots episode 1 then changed into a cocktail dress and has been wasted 89% of the season), Alissa (she was cute and sweet and way too normal for Soules apparently),

i would be an alcoholic too if i was surrounded by women all going after the same boring man. also if i was still a student.

And guess what Cady, Aaron Samuels STILL DOESN’T WANT YOU.

“The girls go picked and I didn’t … it makes me second guess myself .. and it will HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE… it always ends in a heartbreak for me..”I’m used to being no one’s #1, I don’t know why I’m not used to it yet.” Guys Tara didn’t get a rose and she is going to commit suicide. There are people actually going through hard times right now who haven’t cried that hard. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM. CALM DOWN. YOU’RE FINE. Like I want to feel bad for you but I can’t because you’re too tragic. ABC is playing the saddest violin music for her pity monologue. I would cry but I can’t puke and cry at the same time.

Sorry, Alissa. You were way too normal and sober for Soules. Godspeed.

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The Bachelor, Chris Soules, and his seven thousand perfect women

Friends. Romans. Basic twenty-something white girls.

It has begun.

Episode 1

This is the PRETTIEST group of women a season of The Bach has ever had and Chris is so unbelievably screwed.

Chris Soules is the new man all the women want on season 19 of “The Bachelor.” He’s a 4th generation farmer in Iowa, drives a motorcycle, and is 33. Jesus was also 33 once.

The show begins with Chris at his ranch-ass home in Iowa. I feel like I’m watching a Luke Bryan music video.

Is he boring? Is he cute? He’s surrounded by wheat fields. He is reaping his harvest. He’s fishing. It’s almost biblical. He eats around the table with his average looking family. This is literally the G.A.C. channel. Or the old testament. I can’t decide.

Population of his town is four hundred something.

“It would take a lifetime to meet 25 women.” HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHA ok.

Has he never heard of farmersmeet.com? Real question.

He is literally doing pushups on bales of hay. this cannot be real. this is getting stereotypical. Do all farmers do this??? does HE even do this???

He just made the first “count the chicken before they hatch” joke so whoop there it is.

I really don’t want to watch this countdown to the first limo/red carpet scene, but i had to stop forwarding the DVR for Andi and whats his face. They’re still not married, with no plans to get married and that’s fine, but I remember my first gay boyfriend.

Why is she petting his back while they talk? It’s has if there is a string behind him and she’s pulling it to make his mouth move. It’s the weirdest, most deliberate back rub I have ever uncomfortably witnessed.

MARRY HIM ALREADY, ANDI, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ON. MERCY.

Wait why is Andi even there?!?! She dumped Chris in the first place?? L 0 L Z

oh shit now here’s the good stuff. Nikki (girl who wanted to marry Juan Pablo, how could we forget) talks to Chris H.

Here’s a question for you, Nikki: WHY WOULD YOU EVER MARRY JUAN PABLO(??????).

“I wanted to stand by my man.”

ok

Nikki classically talks a lot without saying anything.

“We’re just two different people.”

ok

Chris asked her if she felt like she was ever Juan’s priority. HAHA. She said she felt like she was the 7th, and continues to ramble about how they were different people.

Chris keeps pressing her. JUAN DIDN’T LIKE HER, CHRIS, LET HER WALK AWAY. you guys i can’t listen to Nikki talk like i’m subconsciously cringing my teeth and i’m about to black out it’s paining me to go on. if she keeps speaking positively about Juan, i’m going to jump off my balcony.

she’s done talking and i don’t feel good.

CAN WE JUST GET TO THE FIRST LIMO ALREADY

We start out in L.A., where again, we see Farmer boy riding a motorcycle and frankly I don’t get it. I want him to be riding a horse.

He keeps saying that this experience of being on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor has been the best experience of his entire life and that makes me actual sad for him.

I decided he’s cute, but i think I’m tired of his hair. ok.

Here come the ladies piling into the limo. I cannot wait to judge their clothes. It’s the only reason I watch this.

Chris definitely looks like the always-has-to-be-in-a-relationship type. He thirsty.

First girl: Britt, a waitress from Hollywood. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I thi.. .

oh god.

oh god

no

no

stop. shoot me. SHE IS CRYING YOU GUYS. SHE IS SHEDDING TEARS AND SAYING REGRETTABLE OBSESSIVE THINGS I AM SQUINTING BECAUSE I CANT WATCH. she handed him a note that said free hug. that’s unique.

Whitney, nurse from chicago with southern accent so i’m confused. her voice is tiny. she is really energetic and i just aged three years and two days.

Kelsey, counselor from Austin. Long blue dress. She will be cut tonight. She just has that look.

All these girls have been semi normal and pretty so far.

Meggan, make up artist from Nashville. She looks like every girl we all met and then forgot in college.

Ashley, journalist from Wayne. She is terrifying. She looks like a tattoo-les tattoo artist. She will probably win. God. I’m scared of her.

Trina, special ed teacher from CA. She is weird. Thank God. We finally got a weird one. She has bridesmaid hair.

Reagan, donated tissue specialist from CA. She is holding a cooler. OH THANK GOD, AN EVEN WEIRDER GIRL. oh shit. no. this isn’t happening…….. A;;KAFJK AS ;DFJK she opened the cooler and said “I got you a heart. just kidding. it’s fake.”

……..WUT.

Tara, sport fishing enthusiast from Ft Lauderdale. He said “uh oh.” She is wearing boots and shorts and I hate her. WELL AT LEAST HER MESSAGE IS FITTING FOR HER ONE-MAN TARGET AUDIENCE.

This is awk because all the girls hate her. here we go. She’s sipping Whiskey. This is amazing.

Amer, bartender from Chicago. SHE IS HOLDING A TEDDY BEAR. The camera goes back to Tara because screw the teddy bear.

Nikki, former NFL cheerleader from NYC, also overshadowed by Tara’s monologue about her clothes and whiskey. Oh god. Tara is about to walk out again. This time in a cocktail dress. TARA IS PSYCHO. GOD BLESS HER. SHE GOT BACK IN THE LIMO .

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHJKGAD;D

i’m in so much pain. She walked out of the Limo again. Chris winked. I cried. She proceeds to say the most basic thing we’ve all ever heard.

“You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.”

LITERALLY WE ALL REMEMBER OUR FIRST CARRIE UNDERWOOD LYRIC.

She has a shoulder tattoo of words none of us can read. GO AWAY, TARA.

The limo driver is walking towards Chris with a card, from one of the girls in the Limo. Chris opens it. He says, “ok.” A spongebob commercial comes on. He’s instructed to turn around with his eyes closed and not look as she walks by.

WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE HER OUTFIT IS AMAZING.

Then he stands there with his eyes closed for seemingly 2 more minutes and says to no one, “Can I open my eyes? ………… K.”

next girl.

Jillian, news producer from washington, asks Chris if he’s been working out. So that’s gross. Good dress.

Mackenzie, dental assistant from Maple Valley, WA, is wearing a tragic green prom dress and has a perm. I also think she might be 17.

Ashley, hair stylist from Brooklyn. She seems normal. oh wait. nope. she’s talking about a lucky penny. she put it in her shoe. oh god. she is putting it in his shoe. GOD HELP ALL OF US WATCHING THIS AT HOME

Kaitlyn, dance instructor from Vancouver, in a red body con dress because we’re all in college apparently. She tells Chris that he can “PLOW THE F*** OUT OF HER FIELD ANY DAY.”

NO. NO. NO MAM.

SHE JUST SAID “WHO IS SHE” SO SHE IS LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME PERSON AS THE BLOGGER OF JUSTPMSING.COM. GOD.

who is she

“Who is she.” -Paige M. Skinner. also, i’m available for freelance graphic designing, please, not everyone at once.

Chris doesn’t walk into the house of girls without Chris H., the host, so that was cute and sad.All the women are drinking alcohol on empty stomachs.

Apparently there are only 15 women. Kaitlyn, plow field commenter, is stealing the show. She is telling the crudest jokes I’ve ever heard. All the girls are in so much pain being around her. Megan says she doesn’t get Kaitlyn’s jokes and admits to being retarded.

We’re all freaking out. Where are the other limos? they all panic. Everyone is petrified and acting as if a terrorist will blow up the mansion any second now.

Britt (cryer) is talking to him one-on-one. She is talking about how she wants to raise a family in a small town, and how his face is making her lose her train of thought and it’s as if she memorized lines from every romantic comedy ever made and is just word vomiting them out all at once.

Chris H. suddenly walks in with the first impression rose. God bless.

oh hell it’s cutting back to the live studio audience kill me. i also just dropped ice cold lemon water down my shirt and i don’t know how i’m able to go on.

We’re back. Tiny voice girl is getting one-one-one time with Chris. Her hair is chic. She is touching his hands. Surely guys hate that. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM. RAPE.

Now another girl is with him talking about a heart shaped rock. She gave it to him. They’re also holding hands. Idea: what if we all started giving guys rocks. we would be married and there would be world peace.

Now Chris is looking for the girl who didn’t show her face when she walked out of the limo. Was this a brilliant strategy on her part?????? He is SEEKING for her????? and she is wearing the best outfit??????

He says she is stunning. Melt. Her name is Amanda. Her hair is a little 2012 but it’s fine she’s fine. I just want to comb it out. I can’t even think about what they’re saying because the back of her head is all i can see.

Now Chris H. comes for Chris S. I think all the girls are black out drunk. Chris H. tells other Chris (this is already confusing) that more girls are coming. oh hell everyone is going to lose their actual effing minds.

Mini white dress, Samantha, fashion designer from L.A. She is gorg. She says she feels #blessed 2 b heRe. Kay.

Michelle, cake decorator from Provo, is wearing an unflattering dress, but Chris calls her gorgeous. I’m officially over the word gorgeous now.

Juelia, esthetician from Portland. nothing.

Becca, chripractic assistant from CA. show moving so fast.

God all these girls are stunning. Christ is so screwed. How could any man do this. this is too much for me and i’m not even a man or a lesbian.

A girl rolls up on a motorcycle, wearing a helpmeet. Trandra from Sandy, UT. unqiue…

Alisa, flight attendant from Hamiltion. She is adorable. She brought him a seatbelt “because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” She puts it around him. Is this actually cute? Does Chris like this? Do I like this? I need alcohol.

Jordan, student from Windosr. She hands him whiskey. They take shots. ok then.

Nicoke, real estate agent from scottsdale IS WEARING A PIG NOSE AND SAYS “SHE WANTED TO HAM IT UP” TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME. LOL. kind of funny but kind of tragic.

Brittany, “WWE Diva in training”from florida is wearing THE SHORTEST DRESS ON THIS EARTH. He says she is beautiful and stunning so sorry the rest of them didn’t show up naked, Chris. She carried a sign that said #Soulesmates. So.

oh god WAIT

Carly, Cruise ship singer from Arlington, TX, in a short pink dress just came out holding a kid karaoke machine and is serenading him. She was a terrible singer. This gets more tragic by the limo.

All the girls are talking to the camera about how they can’t handle how many beautiful women are there. “If another limo of girls pulls up I’m going to cry.” WELCOME TO TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY RUSH, BITCHES. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

another. limo. pulls. up. i. might. hyper. ventilate.

all the girls seeing all the other girls.

Tracy, teacher from FL, in boring red dress. She reads him notes from her 4th grade students and they’re cute notes and this was cute i’m cute she’s cute chris is cute.

Bo, plus size model from CA.

Kimberly, yoga teacher from long island.

y’all i can’t keep up

Kara, soccer coach from KY.

jade, cosmetics developer from CA, cool dress i guess.

fingers bleeding

so many women

so little blog space

Chris keeps saying how humbled and grateful he is. MELT.

“Kaitlyn is a firecracker.” I WAS CALLED THAT ONCE. She is teaching him to floor hip hop dance. He’s wearing a suit. lol. can we stop now.

Chris said that she impressed him, is down to earth, and has “all the qualities he wants in a future wife.” SO I’M ASSUMING HE LIKES CRASS COUNTRY WOMEN??????? I’M SCARED.

Bo, the plus size model, talks about her curves, because what else is new.

There are like seven thousand women and most of them haven’t talked to Chris and the night is almost over.

CAN ANYONE EVEN RIGHT NOW???????

“I wish i was a polygamist right now.” -Chris. we freaking know, dammit.

I don’t know how to say this but there is a normal looking girl talking to the camera with a psycho look in her eye about how everyone needs to be “cut and peeled back like an onion” then proceeds to interrupt Chris talking to the DIVA girl. It was excruciating to witness because she tried to offer that girl a rose (picked from nearby bush) so she would leave. help me.

now she is talking to the camera hallucinating about onions/?? saying the wall next to her needs to be peeled??? where do the producers find these women??? she is going to GET CUT FROM THIS SHOW LIKE AN ONION.

OH GOD NOW SHE IS PICKING POMEGRANATES FROM THE GARDEN.

guys i’m not kidding, google the onion girl on episode one. and then try not to murder yourself.

A girl just asked Chris what alfalfa is, saying she’s never heard of it. She asks if it’s organic. She’s from Maple Valley so maybe there isn’t internet there, let’s put her in our prayer circles.

Tara (shorts and boots girl) is wasted, and says her best friends are all bottles of alcohol. 23 is hard.

“The way she makes me feel is why I’m here.” Chris says grabbing the first rose. HE GIVES THE FIRST ROSE TO THE GIRL WHO CRIED WALKING OUT OF THE LIMO. GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD so they kiss.

She really is stunning but like SHE CRIED WHEN SHE SAW YOU. COULD ANYTHING BE CHEESIER.

All the girls hate her HAHA. girls are hard i hate girls.

KAY GUYS STAY WITH ME, CHRIS IS ABOUT TO CUT SOME FEMALEZ FROM THE SHOW.

The girl who asked him to plow her field got the first rose. And you’re reading this and you’re probably single. So think about that. Let it sink in.

Tara is about to puke. she is so drunk. This is so great. Omg. She is literally about to fall over.

I think the hardest part HAS to be remembering all those names. like you just barely met them. Impossible.

Tara is so sloppy rn guys I’m scared for her.

CHRIS JUST WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM WHAT IS GOING ON. tara hiccups.

i really don’t want him to give tara a rose, i’m sorry. I’m sry.

HE GAVE THE GIRL WHO DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ALFAFA WAS A ROSE. AND YOU’RE SINGLE.

ugh he gave tara a rose. I AM MAD. All the girls are mad.

OH GOD HE GAVE THE ONION GIRL A ROSE. I OFFICIALLY CAN’T WITH CHRIS. WHAT IS HIS DEAL. WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM. WHAT IS HAPPENING. NO. NO.

He also cut the girl who had my favorite outfit on, Amanda, the one who told him to close his eyes as she walked out. Bummer.

OH GOD. KIMBERLY, WHO JUST GOT SENT HOME, WALKED BACK IN THE MANSION. btw, it is like 5 or 6 am by the time roses are handed out and women are cut. They start cocktail hour at night, then they film all night through morning i swear. so i if i was drunk girl, i’d by swaying too.

And apparently we don’t get to see what kimberly said until next week. Then in the previews of upcoming episodes, we literally see EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL. BAWLING. DOES HE DIE/??????????

me rn kinda

I need Xanax.

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