You know those “Letter to myself at 18,” or “A lesson to a younger me,” articles? Well those are stupid.
Last night, single sober and home for the holidays, I was up late and sifting through my childhood bookshelves. I stumbled upon 3 diaries that I literally have not cracked since before Facebook even existed. I know. Can you even think that far back. I know.
It may be too late for 23-year-old me to go back and advise Mexico-traveling Augusta to not put her hair in cornrows, but it’s ABSOLUTELY NOT too late for 12-year-old Augusta to give me wisdom in my current quarter-life-crisis age. This blog will have direct quotes and/or wise proverbs from multiples diaries from circa 95-2004, and you’re welcome.
Circa 1995: It is absolutely possible to pinpoint the downfall of my generation
See here. I wasn’t coherent enough to write in a language that already exists, but I still gave myself the “You’re #1” sticker. A sign of self-entitlement, narcissism, and overall “A for participation,” also known as, the downfalls of millennials.
Circa ’95: You can predict your own future
Foreshadowing that I would eventually one day become an amateur calligrapher.
Circa ’99 maybe: If you don’t want someone to read something, write “The art of algebra mathematics” on the front of it
This entire book is filled with entries, but from GOD ONLY KNOWS what year. I put the dates and the time I wrote in it, but apparently, years were not important to me. The book was published in ’99 so we’ll go with that.
January 2, 1999: It’s not official unless God OR Jesus signs your contract “at any time”
Take notes, peasants.
February 5, 1999: You can’t teach people to be cool
So don’t even try
Circa 2003: Don’t commit to lockets
This diary was found like this. The picture is worth a thousand unlocked words.
September 14, 2003: How to play hard to get
At the time, it’s evident that “kool” was more in touch with teen-culture than “cool.” I should also note that above this step-by-step survival guide, I had listed the top 10 hottest guys in my class, and Ashton Kutcher was number one. #notinfluencedbymedia
I promised a friend that I would include a picture of me in cornrows in this blog and I literally cannot find a picture and my mom is rushing me to go run errands with her and my life is hard bye